Jewel’s Snaggletooth, Forgive Me

Dear diaphanous singer Jewel’s Snaggletooth,
I have decided to compose this letter of apology after witnessing your operator’s performance on the ACM’s last night.
It is true that a snaggletooth such as yourself is not always seen as a blessing or an attractive thing to have. I must admit that throughout the many years of your celebrity existence, I would wince in disgust at any glimpse of your presence during Jewel’s television performances, and think atrociously to myself, “Jesus Christ, she isn’t a homeless goat herder in Alaska anymore, why doesn’t she get that fixed.” Alas, Jewel finally collapsed under the pressure of the opinions of horrid judgemental people such as I, and I am sad to see that, Snaggletooth, you are no more.
While I had heard through celebrity gossip grapevines that you had been extracted, I had not yet witnessed it for myself until last night. In the past, when Jewel would sing about her diminutive hands, (“I know”) I would harshly be convinced that it was too bad that it was you, Jewel’s Snaggletooth, that was not small and unobtrusive. And when she would wonder, “Who will save your soul?”, I would wonder, “Who will save Jewel’s lover’s dick from the terrible shredding it will surely receive from Jewel’s blowjobs?” Perhaps that question was the one that finally persuaded Jewel to journey to the dentist.
I wanted to apologize, Snaggletooth, because as Jewel was tittering on last night about her hands and starving children, I couldn’t help but notice how aggravatingly perfect her new at-least-partial dentures were. No longer when she smiled did your beastly form stick out repulsively; no, no. Instead, a straight and perfectly whitened grill filled her smile the likes of which would rival Julia Roberts. It was then that I knew I had made a mistake.
I wax infinite on the subject of beautiful imperfection, only to realize that I falsely appraise such imperfections such as yourself. Perhaps it is because I believe celebrities are to be without flaws, or perhaps it is because I do not want their flaws to be more endearing than my own. Whatever the reason, Snaggle, I wish Jewel had never disposed of you.
I believe if you were to have made it through the bitter jabs of judgmental crowds, you would have been among the Elite of Celebrity Flaws such as Cindy Crawford’s Mole and Madonna’s Tooth Gap. However, Jewel’s Snaggletooth, I regret that you have surrendered too soon. And for that I am sorry.
Regretfully,
Sparklebumps