An Appeal to Lex and Terry

Lex and Terry are the creators of a totally awesome morning show that’s on the radio in Texas. They also happen to be aired anywhere that’s anywhere, which includes St. Cloud, where I live. I’ve decided it’s about time they knew about me.

Dear uber-sexy bald man Lex and slightly less-sexy-but-still-awesome-in-a-creepy-way Terry,

You are the Gods of Morning Radio, and should be told so every day. I love listening to you whenever I happen not to be a lazy ass and actually get outta bed before 9 am.

Lex, your voice is so silkily smooth and deep that I am forced to turn down  my radio when you speak, because it causes the bass speakers in my amazing yellow truck to rumble, and I do not want to be mistaken for one of those infantile morons who blows their entire paycheck on subs for their vehicles. I adore your perfectly-round head, and anytime I think about it, I want to rub my hands (and perhaps some other choice body parts) all over it. You are like a shorter, slightly-less-buff Christopher Meloni. Morning radio would be forever jaded if you happened to wreck your vocal chords. (Or dent your impeccable head.)

Terry, I must admit that your radio voice terrorizes me on a daily basis- but it’s not for me to judge those who chose to put you on the radio. Clearly, you make it work, which shows us all how clearly awesome you are in other aspects; aspects I have yet to determine. I’ve come to notice that when you guys play Name that Tune off of your ipods, you happen to have just horrendous taste in music, and the fact that you would consider me obese based off of my weight makes me chagrined to meet you- but I think when you realize that 25 of that poundage is in my bra, you will quickly reconsider.

I want to applaud you boys for employing such a seductive creature as Dee. He and his big black ass are an amazing asset to your show, and when he makes me laugh during your Round Table Raps, I just wanna squishhimtodeathwithmyboobiesandsmoochhislittlehead! He won my heart when he did a spot on rendition of a Jet song awhile back, complete with verbal instrumentals.

The point of this letter is to  let you  guys know that I and my DDD’s would be a lovely addition to your show. I seem to remember you used to have Drunk Girl Friday. Let me assure you, I AM your Drunk Girl Friday. Technically, when I am home, I drink on Tuesdays, but if you flew me down every Friday, I most certainly be willing to adjust my libation schedule. I’ve been told that I’m quite entertaining when I drink, (although “entertaining” is perhaps not the word my Rockstar would use) and I believe your show needs a big dose of womanliness. (I was going to put femininity, but it doesn’t look right when I spell it.)

Which brings me to another matter.

You may have noticed I failed to mention the female portion of your little team.

I must admit that I question your judgement(s ?) daily for hiring Sarah as your radio gal. Her lack of personality is very apparent  on the radio, or perhaps she HAS personality that just isn’t apparent on the radio. Every time she mentions her lizards or carried on about her Love Boat boyfriend in the past, I just wanna climb through my truck radio and squeeze her little neck til her head pops off! I’ve been told that the women from Texas are the hottest in the world- I must be frank- Sarah is not one of them. Although she does have a very fun tattoo. I’m sure if I was to meet her, we would get along swimmingly. (Or tear each other’s clothes off, which I’m sure you wouldn’t disapprove of.)

Anyhoo, I’ve rambled on enough. If you guys feel like adding a few cup sizes and laughs to your show, let me know! I love ya forever!

Much Booby-Squishes and Ass-Slaps,

Sparklebumps