I Am Proud To Announce: Nothing


There seems to be a growing trend on Facebook.

People are constantly getting pregnant and/or getting married.

I find this deeply disturbing.

Have people always been getting joined in holy matrimony and then proceeding to get knocked up? Where have I been all these years?

I realize that the world would have ceased to exist long ago if people had not been procreating, but have they always done so at such an accelerated rate, or is this just a contest to see who can accrue the most “likes”?

Too, doesn’t anybody ever just live in sin anymore? What the fuck is all this bachelorette party nonsense and wedded bliss bullshit? I seem to remember my bachelorette party consisting of me, my best friend (who happened to be the worst Maid of Honor ever), a pregnant co-worker, and a 52 -year-old woman who didn’t drink. And the wedding? Well, we all know how well the marriage turned out, but let’s just say it’s a good thing we didn’t have a photographer for longer than an hour. (The joys of being non-photogenic.)

As I page through my Facebook main page, I can’t help but notice that on a weekly basis, my “friends” (I’ll just put it bluntly, most of those people are people I haven’t seen in ten years or more) are forever announcing pregnancies, or engagements, or more pregnancies, or weddings, or even more pregnancies, or posting about how amazingly wonderful their lives are. I took a look at my own profile, and, at first, I was distraught at the list of life achievements I’ve apparently been unable to unlock in this virtual game called life, but even more distraught I became when I noticed how few “likes” my witty and amusing updates that have little to do with my life had amassed. Apparently, you are not somebody until you HAVE somebody growing in your belly.

I took a look back on the life I’ve lived thus far, and wondered momentarily if a divorce is worthy of a Facebook announcement, before tossing that idea aside. I admit that, while I may  appear to have an incredibly entertaining life, according to Facebook standards, I am incredibly dull. At least, that is what I felt for a moment, before I made a resolute decision. I DO have an announcement to make:

I am NOT going to be stupid enough to get married, because despite what all you Facebook fuckers may say, couples DO bicker sometimes, or piss each other off, and some cheat on each other, and are not always as happy as unwedded couples. I DO NOT have a child growing in my belly, and while this may make me sad at times, I will continue to concentrate on enjoying the company of the non-Daughter I’ve been lucky enough to have a life with. I DON’T hang out with my friends and take silly drunken pictures, but my one friend I do have loves me even when I don’t feel like hanging out. And if we are going on about accomplishments, let me just point out that I have bigger boobs than most people, I have a blog that totally rocks, and my Rockstar and I did It twice today. So na-na-na-na-boo-boo.

Advertisements

1 Comment

Filed under Beauty, Family, Friendship, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

One response to “I Am Proud To Announce: Nothing

  1. Please help…
    I might lose my blog.
    My little spam joke has made WordPress very angry and they might shut down my blog.
    If you could do a post with WordPress in the title, telling them to give me a break, you might save my blog. I can’t do any new posts. They shut off my new post button. I think you can also go into the WordPress help forums and put in a good word for me. Please link to my blog. I need you!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s