The Things We Must Do

Surely I am not an advocate for doing things you don’t want to do. I believe if you go through life doing things that are not necessarily of your own volition- if they are things other people want you to do, or things you feel obligated to do, you will just end up angry and frustrated and ready to shoot everyone in your path with an AK-47 or a flamethrower- kinda like Michael Douglas in the movie Falling Down.

Anyhoo, I was thinking of things of this nature this morning when I woke up, and I got to realizing that there are really quite a few things that we really MUST do in order to function acceptably in the world and not be thrown in with the crazies.

1. Wearing pants. Or really, any type of clothing that covered your gender parts.

As much as I adore walking through,  and sitting in, my apartment sans clothing, there are times when one simply must don vestments in order to keep from being arrested. Walking out to the mailbox, weddings, work- really, any time there are other humans about. It’s really toilsome to have to ensure clean and fashionable attire, especially when you just want to waltz around in your birthday suit.

2. Refraining from screaming out “I really fucking HATE this job!” while you’re at work.

Especially when you really fucking hate the job.

3. Paying the IRS.

Believe me, I have, perhaps unintentionally, tried to get away with NOT doing this. Sadly, Big Brother is a omniscient, and will TAKE your money out of your paycheck, or your bank account, or your property, if you try to screw him over. Dammit.

4. Compromising.

Let me be clear- one must solely compromise in order to keep friends and/ or relationships alive. If you are quite content growing into an old cat lady or lonely old man, feel free to refuse to compromise on where you should go out to eat, or where the TV is placed, or whether three times a week is enough for sex or not. I’m sure you’ll be happy being an old man who never goes to Olive Garden, sitting at home in front of the TV with a glare from the window jAcKiNG OFFWITHYOURHANDONCEAWEEK!!!!

5. Refraining from flicking people in the forehead when they’re annoying you.

As satisfactory as it sounds to do so, at some point, this may be considered harassment of some kind. I am still appalled to find that annoying people are not considered some kind of harassment yet.

6. Eat with your mouth closed.

Because even if I am not within earshot of you, I GUARANTEE there is someone sitting close by listening to you smack your lips in an ungentlemanly fashion who is inwardly cringing while secretly plotting how best to dispose of your newly-butchered body.

Well, I think I’ve gotten a pretty good start on educating you all on things you must do in order to be a little bit acceptable, however, if you promise to chew with your mouth closed, you can hang out with me sans pants anytime.




Filed under Fashion, Humor, Life, Money, Sex, Uncategorized, Work

4 responses to “The Things We Must Do

  1. When you really stop and think about it, we spend a lot of our days doing stuff that just keep the wheels moving forward. I like dancing to my own song, but if everybody does it, things get messy.

  2. How do you have time, in your busy day of birthday-suiting, to think of all these things?

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