Monthly Archives: September 2013

The Samson Effect

I am back from my hiatus. I would like to say I was filling my time learning how to use numbchucks or finding a cure for stupidity, but alas, I must admit that I have just been being lazy. Oh, and I had a cold.

Anyhoo, I was having a conversation with a coworker the other day about relationships and the characteristics that people find attractive. Did you know that men notice nice skin, or the lack thereof? Also, that men desire women that are of smaller stature than they? This second fact I knew from my many readings of fictional love stories, however, I thought perhaps it was just a fictional romantic notion- this man towering over some hot babe thing. Nay, it is truth. I wonder what the short dudes do?

The discussion turned to the fact that my Rockstar has somewhat longer hair than the average male, (though not nearly as long as I’d like). My coworker was appalled at my admission that if R was to cut all his hair off, he would become just slightly less appealing to me and my lady parts. It is shameful, I know, since he plays guitar and has a wondrously beautiful nose, and deals with all of my sparkling faults, but it is not something I can help. After I admitted my disgusting shallowness, I got to thinking of all the celebrity men who once had me in their sensual hair net (see what I did there?) only to lose me to the dastardly acts of a pair of silvery shears:

Blake Shelton: Damn Miranda Lambert! I am convinced it was the she-devil herself who urged Blake to cut his glorious curly mullet. (Ok, I know the mullet isn’t really in style and all, but it looks aright with a cowboy hat.) No longer do I care to repeatedly watch his music videos while imagining my hands entangled in the mass of Jerry-curl.

Brad Pitt: I know I am not the only woman to have fallen for Brad in Legends of the Fall. It may have been his golden shimmering locks, or his extremely well-toned six pack, but I assure you, I’ve seen him shirtless in many other movies, minus his lengthy tresses, and it just didn’t have the same effect.

Dierks Bentley: Those of you who don’t listen to country are like, “WHO?!”, and it’s true that Dierks never grew his hair out to extensive lengths, but it was to my great despair that he cut all his cherubic curls off and now looks like a shorn sheep.

Justin Timberlake: Ok, I just added him because his ‘fro was pretty awesome. He’s never had any effect whatsoever on my lady parts.

Sean Connery: This one was a surprise, even to me, since Sean usually sports a Marine-like buzz- cut. However, I was watching The Rock the other day, and was amazed to find that his 700-hundred year old grey Highlander ‘do was doin’ it for me. Who knew?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I’d even go so far to say that if Steve Buscemi grew out his mane, he would be in danger of a Sparkle Attack. I have named this the Samson Effect, for once their hair has been cut, men have no power over me.


Filed under Beauty, Fashion, Humor, Uncategorized

Saying The Things You Shouldn’t Say

I’ve been accused more than once of being unedited. Hell, I’ve even been fired from a job for writing the things I was thinking in my head. Sometimes, I just get really tired of people not saying what they’re thinking, so I will be the one. Sadly, by the end of this post, I may come off as a huge bitch. But sometimes a long bout of holding in what I’m actually thinking results in a bad case of virtual verbal diarrhea.

People be having some UGLY babies- Am I the only one who thinks all these babies people are having on Facebook aren’t as cute as they should be? Let me be clear- the premature ones don’t count, because they just wanted to hop outta the oven before it was time. I’m talking about all the other ones. And when people keep commenting, “Oh, I’m so happy for you, your baby is adorable!” and “What a cutie!”, I just want to comment too (in a Spanish accent, of course), and say, “You keep using those words. I do not think they mean what you think they mean.” I know people don’t have control over what their kid looks like, but GEEZ, I don’t think I want one if the majority of them look like Gollum.

If you’re completely miserable with your spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend, be done with them- This may seem harsh, and if you have children with this person, it’s a bit harder situation to get out of, but no amount of drinking or bickering or pretending is going to do any good for your kids. Yes, marriage is supposed to be a life-long commitment, but there are just some people who were silly enough to marry someone they didn’t like very much, with the idea, “Hey, it’s ok. I’ll just go out with my friends a lot and drink to drown the fact that my wife/ husband is a complete bitch/ asshole.”  Well, enjoy your perfectly pretended life. As for you all who are not married to your asshole, dump him/her immediately. And no, I am not going to be the person to make your life better with amazing sex, because I am smart enough to be with someone who does NOT annoy the shit outta me.

That chic shouldn’t be wearing that/ or SHOULD be wearing that- sometimes people shouldn’t clothe themselves the way they do. Yes, I’ve preached tirelessly about fat people in stretchy pants, but I am also including here the sermon about skinny girls with love handles who continuously wear low-rise jeans. Just ’cause you ain’t got no cushion for the pushin’ don’t mean that you’re toned. As evidenced by the cellulite once sported by my size 00 ex-sister-in-law. And Miley, put some damn clothes on, already. Yes, we get it. You’re edgy and controversial. Or suffering from multiple drug addictions.

Kids are sometimes not your entire world- I realize that since I have borne no offspring from my loins, I cannot fully understand how a child changes you and makes you devote your entire being to them; however, I have known enough people who have little to no patience for their humanoid cubs, and would rather be out partying with their friends. I know that no parent is suppose to come out and say, “I’d like a day off”, but I urge each and every one of you to realize that it’s ok to admit parenting is at times a trying and monotonous task, and is sometimes best replaced with a stripper pole and a shot of whisky. This doesn’t mean you love your children any less, it just means you have not joined the Stepford community.

Why don’t we let educated people into America?- I realize Lady Liberty is all about giving refuge to the starving and the destitute, but wouldn’t our country benefit a little by letting in someone who is not hungry and can actually support themselves? Instead of giving a bunch of monetary support to people who don’t even bother to learn our language, why don’t we give free visas to people who ALREADY know our language and have their own money? I’m not being prejudiced. The uneducated are welcome too, but they should be given the same opportunity as I- that is, the opportunity of working more than one job just to make sure I don’t have to move to Florida in order to sleep outside and not freeze to death because I am homeless.



Filed under Beauty, Children, Entertainment, Family, Fashion, Humor, Life, Money, Sex, Uncategorized, Work

10 Reason You Want to Quit Your Job and Become a Stripper

1. You don’t have to wear clothes to work. In fact, you are tipped to take them off.

2. You don’t have to get up early in the morning.

3. You have people telling you all day every day how sexy and/or gorgeous you are.

4. You can buy many many many items off of the dollar menu at McDonald’s.

5. You get to wear awesome shoes. And glitter.

6. Strippers almost always smell amazing, and have very soft skin. (I know this because girls are allowed to touch.)

7. If you don’t like a customer, you can tell security that he’s a creeper, and they’ll kick him out. (I wish I had security like that at my work.)

8. You can afford to buy lots of candy. And a Ford Mustang.

9. You get to shove your boobies in people’s faces daily. (You may not understand the thrill, but having them serve a purpose other than getting in the way would be lovely.)

10. You get to call yourself whatever you want. (Princess Mystique has a nice ring to it. Who else is named after royalty AND an X-Man?)


Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Fashion, Humor, Life, Money, Sex, Uncategorized