Daily Archives: April 15, 2014

Frozen Pizza, Pillows, Tiggs, Spiders, Robots, Color Sounds, and Dancing Ninja Grandmas

Welcome to the longest blog post title of all time. This is what comes of being completely uninspired.

I was chatting on Facebook to my boss from the grocery store, and asked him what subject I should post about today. The above title is what he came up with. (To clarify, my boss spends a goodly amount of his time in an alcohol haze, and rarely remembers any text conversations we have. That being said, he’s a pretty cool guy with above average intelligence.)

We will begin with frozen pizzas.

Frozen pizzas are gifts from the gods. If you disagree, you are either a heathen, or a vegan.

What should you eat when you’ve had a hard day at the office, swinging around on that silver pole, trying to fend off the pervs who only have ones, and your illegitimate child is starving and doesn’t want to wait for a lovely healthful meal? Frozen pizza.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind after you’ve pounded back a few beers and realize it would be safer to turn on the oven than to try to satisfy that late night drunken craving on the stovetop? Frozen pizza!

If you’ve just moved, and are looking for a quick bite to stop you tummy rumblings, but you haven’t unpacked the contents of your utensils drawer, what do you buy?

Pizza bites! (No pizza cutter required!)

Ok, enough about that.

Next subject. Pillows!

What would a nap be without a pillow? It would be a pass out, that’s what.

A pillow is the thing that takes you from a trashy drunk slut to a snoozing angel.

A pillow is the thing you long for while you’re slaving away, making minimal tips in a thankless job.

What fun would men (and some women) have without “dirty pillows” to lay their heads on, and squeeze and pinch and fondle?

(Sidenote: The Marriot is the hotel with the best pillows. If you have never experienced a pile of angel feather under your skull, the Marriot is the place to do so.)

Now it’s time for Tiggs!

I did not know what this was until my boss explained it to me, but apparently Tiggs are that group of individuals obsessed with Winnie the Pooh‘s Tigger. I must say that I have always found Tigger to be extremely creepy, and possessing of superfluous amounts of energy, so I exercise my right to plead the fifth on the subject.

Spiders, too, are a dreadful sight to behold. I’ve not much to say on the idea of arachnids, other than there should never be another movie featuring¬† spiders of the gargantuan sort, or a storyline that consists of hordes of the little buggers. Not cool, bro. Not cool at all.

I’m going to skip over robots, because soon enough the world with be run by them, and they will be the only thing we hear about. To be fair, I direct you HERE, where there is the beginning of a short story about a cyborg, which is basically the same thing.

Sounds of colors are the next subject on the list, and there is so much to say about this that it must be revisited in another post sometime in the future. For now, I will say that purple sounds like the Artist Prince, black sounds like any form of war, green sounds like a lawn mower, glitter sounds like me, and red is not, as Taylor Swift states, “loving you”, but maybe red IS the sound of me ripping Taylor’s unmusical vocal chords out of her scrawny little neck and shoving them somewhere the some don’t shine. Like under a bushel.

Dancing ninja grandmas is the best subject ever! Which is why I fully intend to be one someday, even if (to quote Phil Collins) “I can’t dance”, even if I have no grandchildren, even if I never have Chuck Norris come on over and teach me a few things. Imagine me, Gramma Sparkle, bouncing and capering around silently in my vibrantly colored ninja outfit. Booyah.



Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Life, Uncategorized