Reasons to Brush Your Teeth


On a regular basis, I am required to remind my Rockstar’s Daughter to brush her teeth in the morning. Sadly, I understand her ire at having to complete such a task, as my mother waited until my first trip to the dentist at the age of 5, when I was told I was the proud owner of 5 whole cavities, to properly train me on the brushing of my (then) not-so-pearly whites. To further encourage the Daughter to brush daily, I have come up with a list of reasons why it is a good idea to do so. (I admit my list may not be completely of the child-friendly sort.) :

1. Because the first coffee of the day always tastes better on a fresh breath.

I do not know the reason for such a thing, only that it has been proven to be true on many a -cranky-before-coffee morn.

2. Because you don’t want people to call you Penis Breath. Or Fart Face. Or accuse you of having Dragon Breath capable of wilting a person’s face off.

You just don’t.

3. Because you never know who will want to kiss you.

I am aware that a good number of people with significant others think they know perfectly well who wants to kiss them. What they may not realize is that there may be other people admiring them from afar. Didn’t you ever see Fatal Attraction? Old Dan was perfectly happy being a married man until he realized he could have hot elevator sex with a ‘fro-d out Glenn Close. Do you think Glenn would have been so obsessed if Michael Douglas had forgotten to brush his teeth? I think not.

4. Because if you don’t, your teeth will fall out.

And taking care of dentures certainly seems like a lot more work.

And you don’t want to wake up looking like this, do you? :

 

5. Because people will talk about you and your disgusting teeth if you don’t.

Not that you should care about what other people think, unless the other “people” is me. Then you most definitely should. And I recall many many conversations my friend and I had over a coworker’s lack of oral hygiene.

6. Because no one will want to kiss you.

I am aware that I’ve mentioned this reason once before, but I find it to be of the utmost importance. And you’d be pretty fuckin’ sad if Angelina showed up with puckered lips, only to withdraw in horror at the smell of butt rot emitted from your mouth.

7. Because you don’t want to be like my old district manager.

Yes, he was pretty. In fact, his looks were the sole reason I slaved away as a Pizza Slut for over two years. (Looks DO get you things, such as a well-endowed book whore who rocks at her job). Sadly, there were many long and boring meetings spent across the table from the pretty man Boss that were only made more excruciating by d’odor du poopy. I do believe he mentioned something about a mouth fungus once, which I’m sure could have been prevented by brushing.

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19 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Children, Fashion, Humor, Life, Uncategorized, Work

19 responses to “Reasons to Brush Your Teeth

  1. I never do know who will want to kiss me… but it is a safe bet that it isn’t as many people as it used to be… sigh…

  2. Question, do penises smell like unbrushed teeth?

  3. Oh man! That toothless guy gave me a fright!!! *starts brushing teeth vigorously*

    • HAHA. I think that you do not have to worry. You are beautiful enough that no one will care if you haven’t teeth.

      • That’s sweet of you! Although…I think I’d look pretty strange rocking the gummy look! I am actually a little obsessive about brushing my teeth – for the reasons above! Ironically, I have a fear of the dentist. I keep putting it off, because the thought of that scary dentist chair, and all those ear-piercing drills, frighten the heck out of me! 😦

      • The smell is actually the worst.. blech. I waited on a person the other day who smelled like the dentist’s and it made me cringe.

      • Yes! The smell of anaesthetic – just horrible! Brings back bad memories of my childhood experiences of the dentist. He couldn’t get me to sit in his chair, I was too scared, so he would give me a check up in the waiting room (in front of everyone!) Oh, the humiliation!

        …But then again, I don’t want to end up like old toothless Terry, or whatever his name might be! What a catch 22!

      • If it makes you feel any better, my childhood dentist would poke into my mouth with that silver pokey thing while gazing off into the sunset and singing Alabama songs. I believe he never actually scraped where he was supposed to.

      • Haha! That’s pretty horrendous. It’s like a scene from some twisted horror film! I don’t trust dentists as far as I can throw them! They always have this slightly crazy look upon their face! When they are jabbing their silver sticks into our mouths, you know they’re secretly getting enjoyment from our displeasure! Hmm…I feel a rant about dentists might be on the cards!

      • YAY! I shall wait with baited breath for such a rant!

      • 🙂 it might be one of my ‘long’ ones!

      • Wait… they’re not all long? 😉

      • *Looks guilty* Yea okay, they are ALL long… I can’t help it. I get lost in the moment, and before I know it, I’ve written an essay. Eeeek!

      • It is quite alright. They are very entertaining. Alas, I have a short attention span, so most of my posts are short and not-so-sweet. HA

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