On a regular basis, I am required to remind my Rockstar’s Daughter to brush her teeth in the morning. Sadly, I understand her ire at having to complete such a task, as my mother waited until my first trip to the dentist at the age of 5, when I was told I was the proud owner of 5 whole cavities, to properly train me on the brushing of my (then) not-so-pearly whites. To further encourage the Daughter to brush daily, I have come up with a list of reasons why it is a good idea to do so. (I admit my list may not be completely of the child-friendly sort.) :
1. Because the first coffee of the day always tastes better on a fresh breath.
I do not know the reason for such a thing, only that it has been proven to be true on many a -cranky-before-coffee morn.
2. Because you don’t want people to call you Penis Breath. Or Fart Face. Or accuse you of having Dragon Breath capable of wilting a person’s face off.
You just don’t.
3. Because you never know who will want to kiss you.
I am aware that a good number of people with significant others think they know perfectly well who wants to kiss them. What they may not realize is that there may be other people admiring them from afar. Didn’t you ever see Fatal Attraction? Old Dan was perfectly happy being a married man until he realized he could have hot elevator sex with a ‘fro-d out Glenn Close. Do you think Glenn would have been so obsessed if Michael Douglas had forgotten to brush his teeth? I think not.
4. Because if you don’t, your teeth will fall out.
And taking care of dentures certainly seems like a lot more work.
And you don’t want to wake up looking like this, do you? :
5. Because people will talk about you and your disgusting teeth if you don’t.
Not that you should care about what other people think, unless the other “people” is me. Then you most definitely should. And I recall many many conversations my friend and I had over a coworker’s lack of oral hygiene.
6. Because no one will want to kiss you.
I am aware that I’ve mentioned this reason once before, but I find it to be of the utmost importance. And you’d be pretty fuckin’ sad if Angelina showed up with puckered lips, only to withdraw in horror at the smell of butt rot emitted from your mouth.
7. Because you don’t want to be like my old district manager.
Yes, he was pretty. In fact, his looks were the sole reason I slaved away as a Pizza Slut for over two years. (Looks DO get you things, such as a well-endowed book whore who rocks at her job). Sadly, there were many long and boring meetings spent across the table from the pretty man Boss that were only made more excruciating by d’odor du poopy. I do believe he mentioned something about a mouth fungus once, which I’m sure could have been prevented by brushing.