April 20, 2017 · 11:53 pm
I remember thinking once,
“I’d never want him to produce my music.”
Fool that I was.
I didn’t realize then
that the sound I had mistaken for
messiness and chaos
was actually the character of mankind
caught on tape.
anthropology at its finest.
You entangled each one of us
in the snare of your guitar strings;
furiously jotted endless lyrical notes,
and then released us back
into the wild with a song.
You were an incomparable teacher;
you taught us to Gett Off,
what doves sound like when they cry,
and that not everything that glitters is Gold.
it seemed as though you even
controlled the weather-
it rained Purple;
it snowed in April.
A lesser man would have agonized over
such a petite figure;
but you strutted yours.
Ruffled, tailored, Purpled.
You masqueraded as a sex object,
and no one ever realized you were
preaching the Gospel while you did it.
You told us of a Park
where life won’t be so bad;
it was in our hearts,
but now we can tour the frickin’ place
for a hundred bucks.
I guess it’s just a Sign O’ the Times,
“The Beautiful Ones you always seem to lose.”
Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Love, music, Poem, Poetry, Religion, Sex, Uncategorized
Tagged as anthropology, death, guitar, music, Paisley Park, Poetry, Prince, The Beautiful Ones
April 5, 2017 · 11:22 pm
There are so many great things that come in two…
Burgers on a Big Mac, eyes, hands, elbows, boobies (since we’re on body parts), balls (unless you’re Lance Armstrong), twins, high heels…
… and my kid. There are not two of him, but he is now two.
Like, seriously, where the fuck did those two years go?!
I suppose they were lost in the melee of diapers, animal flashcards, and Playdoh. As much as I’d like to admit that I’m mostly the same person that I was before him, I really am not. I talk to other mothers about their kids now, (sporadically) and get a ridiculous thrill out of the fact that my boy mimics every word that comes out of my mouth. (I still retain my sailor’s vocabulary, but at least only I realize it when my kid is yelling “FUCK”. )
In other ways, I am still me. I don’t like to cook still, and very closely resemble Cher’s character in the movie Mermaids when it comes to preparing meals. (Finger foods, finger foods.) I still enjoy whiskey at times, and other assorted adult beverages, and sometimes wonder if, as he gets older, my kid will recognize the tell-tale signs of my tipsiness.
I am glad that I now have a little person to drag around to fun things like the zoo and the science museum, as I did not exactly enjoy coming off as a creeper/pedophile when frequenting such places before motherhood. Too, I like this having a young one to throw themed birthday parties for. (We just had a Dr. Seuss one.)
Clearly, I have lost my edge when it comes to writing, because it seems that I am rambling now, and have written a post of little or no interest, so I think it’s time to say goodbye for the night.
So farewell for now, dear readers. I just wanted to let you know I’m still around.
Filed under Children, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized
Tagged as babies, birthdays, Boobies, kids, life, motherhood, rambling, rearing children, thoughts
January 14, 2017 · 10:33 pm
My esteemed Alan,
I would have referred to you as Al in my opening, since it feels as if I’ve known you since I was a wee thing, but you are English, and are much too refined for nicknames.
I wonder if you noticed that I refer to you in the present tense, despite the bitter fact that you left us one year ago today. I do so because, to me, you are very much alive on my movie shelf. I would like to thank you for that.
It’s true that you played an angel with no private parts in the movie Dogma, (a scene which, incidentally, is the only I remember of the entire movie) and a villain on several occasions, (Die Hard and Robin Hood); however, I will remember you most fondly as Colonel Brandon from Sense and Sensibility. It is really quite odd- the first time I watched you in that role, I despised you immensely.
I remember, I was at a friend’s for her birthday party when I was fifteen, when all of us decided to watch that film. Given my age at the time, it makes sense that I did not immediately appreciate your less-than-obvious good looks. It was a time when Freddie Prinze Jr. was a more apparent heartthrob…
It was a few years later when I again watched Sense and Sensibility when I realized how perfectly you pined for Kate Winslet’s character- I actually ended up detesting her after realizing how rude she was to Colonel Brandon. Still, I suppose I should be happy that you finally got the girl, even though I find myself a little jealous.
My jealousy of fictional characters was only compounded by your portrayal of Professor Snape in all the Harry Potter films. My hatred for Snape in the first six films was completely wiped away in the last, where you instantly forever and “always” became my favorite character. (Oh, to be loved as Lily was…)
You also happened to star in my favorite Christmas movie, Love Actually. Though I have nothing to say about your performance because your character ended up being kind of a douche. I suppose you played the part well, since that was how we were supposed to feel about you?
I mustn’t forget your voice; that voice that resonates within my mind whenever you are mentioned- what am I supposed to do now when I finally write a screenplay that needs a man who’s voice can “talk a woman out of her knickers by just whispering her name, or scare the living shit out of children”?! Damn you and your pancreas, Alan!
I only jest, Mr. Rickman. I’m just upset that in a few short months I will be writing a similar letter to our dearly departed Prince. Although it’s nice to think that your rich, deep voice and his ridiculously high falsetto are blending in the far beyond.
Filed under Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized
Tagged as Alan rickman, death, Freddie Prinze Jr., Harry Potter, humor, jealousy, letter, life, Sense and Sensibility
November 20, 2016 · 11:07 pm
I know what it feels like
to hold the Sun now.
As I cup his beloved face,
my hands are warmed by
the most brilliant of smiles;
my arms tingle with the heat of it.
The fire spreads through my body
and I feel like Icarus,
burning up from such close proximity.
The flames of this
dance in my muscles,
causing me to hold him
a little tighter than I should.
His tiny doll’s hand reaches out
to hold my cheek,
and I wonder if he feels
of the Moon,
reflecting the glory of his Light.
Filed under Beauty, Children, Family, Life, Love, Poem, Poetry, Uncategorized
Tagged as Beauty, Children, fire, life, Love, my son, Poetry
October 2, 2016 · 11:30 pm
We sold their lives today.
Sixty years of collecting,
lying there like so much rubbish,
just waiting for someone to make an offer.
Selling memories is heartbreaking business.
First it was two for a dollar,
then six for a quarter,
ten for a penny.
I waded through
salvaged coffee cans, flower pots, and garden tools.
Shame on you, Grampa.
We all thought Gramma was the pack-rat.
Everything is half off.
I watched her struggle to maintain composure
when the offers were low;
she wanted to hold on to that tiller-
the one he used for so many years.
I wanted to scream “NO!” for her
when she sighed consent
and hung her head,
too weary and old to
So many times she heard it-
“Do you want to keep this?”
was always her reply.
What she meant was,
“Take it, because I have to
know my memories are being held
onto by those I love.”
We hauled them away by carloads, their belongings.
Some were worth much;
others just worth the idea,
“This was Grampa’s.”
“This was Grandma’s.”
Now they’ve become our memories.
Memories of the time when
make time wait,
and our hands were useless to
Filed under Family, Life, Love, Uncategorized
Tagged as aging, estate sale, Family, gramma, grampa, life, memories, Sadness
September 12, 2016 · 10:36 pm
Hey there, Strangers.
It’s been a long time. If you, my lovely readers, and I were in a relationship, you’d have every right to toss me aside for someone who doesn’t neglect you as I have the last few months. But, let me tell you something- after five years, relationships tend to go through a stale time before they get stronger. For yes, WordPress has informed me that it has been five years and a few days since I did begin a little online rant called sparklebumpsthebookwhore. Said action forever changed my life, I believe, completely for the better. It is hoped that it did, too, change all of your lives for the better. My histrionica convinces me it most certainly did.
Though I have not yet found life-altering fame, I will say that I am taking baby steps (sometimes very literally) to expand my horizons and experience new things I’ve never before experienced. I’ve thrown my best friend (who I met through my blog several years ago) a rather fabulous bridal shower, and just this past weekend joined her and her other favorites for a bachelorette party that included a horse-drawn carriage ride through the city. (Numerous Uber rides were also a first; I shall never forget the four of us piling into a Ford Fiesta driven by a friendly individual resembling Austin Power’s Fat Bastard. Good Times.)
My life has vastly improved in the last half-decade; this is mainly due to a little man who resembles me too closely at times- mostly when he’s butting his head against whatever’s nearby when he’s pissed off. Yes, I have the mental maturity to not actually smash my head against inanimate objects, but, I promise, I’m doing it in my head constantly. Perhaps this is the reason I sometimes forget what I’m saying mid-sentence, and find it hard to focus on pretty much everything….
Yes, my Babe is too much like his mother, but in some ways, that’s great. (in my opinion.) His constant growling and attacking his stuffed animals and the dog proves that his wild imagination is intact, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Things with my Rockstar are less sexy that I’d necessarily wish them to be, but that will happen when there’s a toddler about and our work schedules are completely opposite. He still has amazing hair, and a habit of buying very expensive guitar gear. Ah, well. Boys will be boys.
My Rockstar’s Daughter is now officially a high-schooler (cringe), and I have come to realize that for the most part, we will have to ignore each other for the next four years for both of us to make it out alive. That’s all I’m going to say about that for now.
I’m still masquerading as a waitress until I finish my book, but as of this week, I got a $3 an hour raise, so I can’t really complain…even though one of my joyful “managers” refers to me as a “stupid fucking cunt” to whomever will listen. Let’s just say the feeling is mutual. Even if he is a dude.
I am making more of an effort to use my time more wisely toward writing, which should go swimmingly unless they add an unknown season of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix, so you shouldn’t have to wait so long again for me to entertain you again. We’ll have to see if being a mother has drained me of my general amazingness.
Filed under Children, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Money, Uncategorized, Work
Tagged as blogging, blogging anniversary, boys, catching up, cunt, life, musings, parenting, relationships, Work, writing
March 15, 2016 · 12:02 am
I suppose I am still Her, at least a little bit. That girl who blurbed on and on about mostly herself in all those previous posts that were so entertaining in a car-crash-sort-of-way. My biggest problem now is navigating WordPress’s new look. It has been many moons and a daylight savings time since I’ve thought much about my blog. Aye, me.
To say that I have the perfect baby would be a crude understatement. Yes, at least most mothers would say as much about their own spawn, but how many can actually say they are being honest when they say it? Of all the lies I will never admit I may have told in my life, this is not one of them. My Boy is the essence of everything good that is in me, and all the good that is not in me, too. He bears no hint of the darkness that resides in me, and is forever ready with a smile for anyone who pays him any mind. If there is any evil in him, it may only be heard in the demon shriek he has perfected, which he really only uses to entertain himself.
My life in other aspects is somewhat more bleak. In my previous post, I hinted of dissention in my relationship. ‘Tis not the stuff of beloved Rom-Coms these days, unless we are referring to the part in such movies where the lovers spat. Yes, it is safe to say that there is much spatting going on. Let’s just blame it all on the Rockstar’s Daughter.
Ok, it’s not entirely her fault, but I do believe her existence begets a black hole of exhaustion that sucks in everyone she comes in contact with. Even the dog is bone-weary. Ha. I made a joke there.
That being said, I felt the need to brief you all on the goings-on of your Bookwhore. I cannot say with any certainty that I will be back in any capacity closely resembling the former Me, but I have been feeling the need to once again take up my quill and write. (Something other than just my book, that is.)
Until We Meet Again,
Filed under Children, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized
Tagged as blogging, Children, exhaustion, life, motherhood, musings, relationships, writing
March 3, 2016 · 10:55 pm
That’s a long ways
how your opinion of me
exactly the same.
Those laughing tears,
the ones we both shed
after discussing Catholics
(I know you remember them)
They left a dusty,
unloving heart behind.
The question is,
is it your heart
Filed under Family, Life, Love, Poem, Poetry, Uncategorized
Tagged as breakups, life, Love, memories, musings, Poetry, relationships
November 1, 2015 · 8:39 pm
Hmm. I don’t write on here so much anymore. This makes me sad. So I shall begin anew.
I suppose I would do well to update you all on everything that’s been happening in the last, well- the last really long time. But in the words of Inigo Montoya: “No, there is too much. Let me sum up.” –
My baby is a seven months and a little bit old. Holy shit. And even though I lost every bit of weight I gained when I was pregnant with him, I do not find myself motivated enough to lose the extra 50-60 lbs. I had before that. So sadly, I have not yet reached my goal of ultimate M.I.L.F. status. But, ya know- I’m still awesome. And I have the best kid who is so smart and funny and adorable. And I’m not even being biased. Let me prove it:
Things between my Rockstar and I have not been the stuff of romantic comedies of late. Unless you’re thinking of the part in the movie when the couple argues and breaks up. No, we haven’t broken up; in fact, I suppose technically we’ve never even argued- you can’t argue with a person who doesn’t respond to your gripe. But in recent times I find myself bitching to myself over his lack of interest and general laziness in the relationship. After having expressed myself to him, I realize I’m kinda over it. A person can only take so much disappointment. And since his daughter now lives with us full-time, I am not in quite as good of spirits as I once was. Boo.
On a lighter note, I now work with an adorable hot chic that says I’m her favorite, and I have been approved for six new credit cards in the last two months, which is something I’m not quite sure is a good thing yet- other than the fact that finally after six years, I actually CAN get approved for things. Sadly, in those six years, I have not learned restraint, and also not-quite-but-almost maxxed out all said credit cards. BUT! I have a beautiful new copper loveseat in my perfect library that’s sitting in front of my very expensive electric fireplace I ordered with my Menard’s card.
Also, my most amazing friend Delightfulness is almost engaged, and apparently has a ridiculously large wedding budget that I get to help her plan with. Such a wedding will have no room for chubby bridesmaids, so I must force myself to not eat in the coming year, which will help with the whole M.I.L.F. thing. Life is good.
Too, I am completely re-inspired to finally finish writing my book, though since I have an adorable little boy who has inherited my need for attention, the only time I have to write it is after work, when I sit down in front of my computer and get distracted by Facebook and Pinterest. Aye, me.
Filed under Books, Children, Family, Friendship, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized, Work
Tagged as baby, Books, Credit Cards, kids, musings, relationships, Rockstar, wedding, writing
August 5, 2015 · 12:28 am
I think you are most beautiful
while you sleep-
arms stretched “this big”
and legs splayed, frog-like.
But then you awaken,
and I see
how completely wrong I can be.
and even though your mouth
is as empty as an old man’s,
that smile holds
the whole world within it;
and I cannot help but
hold your tiny grinning face
in my hands.
I can scarce believe
that without a single intelligible word,
you make me fall in love
over and over again.
There are times
when I’ve felt a failure;
but looking into your beloved face,
I realize that whatever may come,
I’ve already succeeded.
Filed under Beauty, Children, Family, Life, Love, Poem, Poetry, Uncategorized
Tagged as Beauty, Children, happiness, life, Love, motherhood, Poetry, success