Category Archives: Religion

It’s Time to Kick Some Monk Ass


Forgive me for my absence, my Lovelys, there’s really no excuse. Unless, you count the three 15 hour days I worked last week. And the Catholic wedding I had to play piano for. Oh, and the many monk nightmares I’ve had in the past week. Let me explain about that one.

So remember how I mentioned walking through the amazing and scenic campus of St. John’s University. Yeah. Nevermind about that. Those days will forever be a distant memory.

The day after our last jaunt through St. John’s, I was having a carefree conversation with a coworker and he mentioned to me that he was once a student at St. John’s Prepatory School. We were discussing the tiny Prayer Chapel that is situated alongside the lake and how it was quite a trek through the wooded pathways to get to it and find there was nothing but two chairs and a pregnant Mary statue within. My coworker then dropped the bomb that a student once hung himself within those very walls- because he was being molested by a monk at the school. I asked what punishment the monk received for such rancid behaviour, and my coworker shrugged and said, “Not much. Don’t you know? St. John’s is well-known for the monks taking advantage of the students and nothing ever being done about it. There’s a whole website dedicated to it.” He went on to with a story that when a monk is accused of heinous behavior such as molestation and the like, he is not jailed or stoned, (as he should be), but instead is forced to live in the many basements of the Abbey LOCATED ON CAMPUS and not allowed to have contact with students.

While I cannot yet deny or confirm whether this last part of the story is true, (as several people I’ve mentioned it to are convinced my coworker was pulling my leg) I CAN confirm that there IS a website dedicated to the many many victims of monkish molestation. While the complainants remain anonymous, the accused do not. The website comes complete with pictures of these disgusting pervs and lists of their many sins and disgraces. While I do not necessarily know what physical traits molesters have, I can assure you that as I clicked on each new offender, a chill of disturbance flowed through my body at the sight of their general creepiness. My Rockstar and I read through the entire website, growing increasingly bothered. ( I am certain the 100 Proof Southern Comfort I was drinking did nothing to help the situation.)

After getting our fill of repugnance at such abominations and the fact that nothing is being done about it, I tried to slumber. Yeah fuckin’ right. Do you know? I had chilling dreams of monks (who are supposed to be the servants of God) taking advantage of young innocent kids who look to these people for guidance. Needless to say, there wasn’t much sleep going on that night.

I realize this is nothing new to the Catholic church, nor is the covering up of such behaviors. I hear the Catholic Church is a powerful entity, and it’s probably not a good idea to fuck with them. But you know what? Bring it on, Pope! Because I am fucking furious. Not only have many lives been forever tainted by these monks and their ridiculous No-Sex policies that they obviously cannot deal with, but my perfect walks with my family will now forever be blackened by thoughts that some kid is probably getting ass-raped in the building I’m walking by. So fine. Nothing is being done about it? Then nothing should be done about it when I just go ahead and beat the living shit out of these fuckers. Who’s comin’ with?

P.S. If you all want to see what has so greatly disturbed and enraged me, go HERE

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Meet Gorgeous Jewish Singles!


Good evening, my Lovelys! Or rather, goodnight- as it is nearly 11 P.M. in my world. I arrived home from a gruelling day as a Pizza Hut to find this in my email Junk Box:

Meet Gorgeous Jewish Singles Now!

I applauded my inbox in rightly deciding this was Junk, as I do not recall at any point requesting information about dating Jews. Don’t get me wrong, I find Jewish people quite intriguing, what with the whole God’s Chosen and larger-than-average- schnoz aspects. I have always wondered, “Do you think God gave Jews larger noses so they didn’t get big-headed about being the Chosen ones?” Anyhoo, while I enjoy educating myself on the history and traditions of the Jewish race (Race, right?) I would like to clear up the few reasons that I would be unwilling to find myself in a relationship with a Chosen One. (Besides for the obvious reason of the existence of my Rockstar.)

1. No Christmas.

Oh, yes, I realize that there are eight crazy nights of Hannukah with menoras and dreidles and… well other Jewish things, but what about Christmas trees? And Santa Clause? And Baby Jesus? It’s just not the same putting the presents under a menora. And anyway, I cannot help but think that Jews are the grinches of the world, as it seems they wish to do away with Christmas…..No offense, my Jewish peeps.

2. Shabbath.

I suppose preparing all day to not work for a night is not such a bad idea. In the Baptist world, this is known as Sunday, but really, there’s nothing wrong with it beginning on Saturday night.

3. Adrien Brody and Adam Sandler

Yes, I know that Adrien is an Oscar winning actor who is greatly talented blah blah blah. And that Adam Sandler most certainly is not. But if these are the likes of which I’d have to choose from to procreate with if I became a Jew… well. That’s all I need to say. On the other hand, that Harry Potter kid I have a crush on is also Jewish.

4. Tasak’s Disease.

What, you ask? How does Sparklebumps know the hereditary diseases that are a risk to Jews populating the Earth everywhere? I TOLD you there were eduacational benefits to watching Eliot Stabler repeatedly! Anyhoo, chances of me creating a child with Harry Potter who has Tasak’s is very slim, since I was not born a Jew.

5. The Holocaust.

It is true that there will probably never again be such a horrid race purging as the Holocaust, but if there does happen to be, I guess that would be the one time that I would be thankful for my diluted Swedish/German roots.

Anyhoo, as you can see, there really aren’t that many reasons not to become a Jew, and as I am greatly intrigued by religions that are not my own, maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to give Daniel Radcliffe a call…

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The One Scary Thing In Life


I’d like to quote Maya Angelou and say, “Life doesn’t frighten me, no not at all.”

That would not be a lie.

While I find life to be exhausting at times, and often think that death would be quite romantic, (I never understood how death could frighten people) there’s really nothing to fear from life.

Well, I mean besides for answering phones, and venturing into unfamiliar businesses, and telling your Rockstar to his face exactly how you’re feeling. But nevermind about that.

I do not fear heights, or water, (even though I cannot swim) or snakes, (I wish to have a managerie of them one day) or spiders. (OK, that may be a bit of a fib.) I do not fall into hysterics when I glimpse a clown, and I quite enjoy rollercoasters. Since I moonlight as a superhero, I don’t even have a fear of flying. All of these are the most common of phobias, yet I face this list and simply say, “Pshaw”. (Which means oh, shit)

Perhaps it is the overly-zealous religious upbringing I had, and I’m sure all you Athiests will burst into incredulous guffaws, but demons scare the livin’ bejesus outta me.

You would think this would keep me from watching every exorcism-based movie that comes out.

(Pun intended) Hell, no.

IT is BECAUSE of my religious background that these movies enthrall me so. I also find it quite interesting that only Catholic people seem to get possessed.

I’ve just gotten done freaking myself out by watching The Devil Inside, a Blair Witch-like faux-cumentary. I must say that despite critic reviews, I found it to be pleasingly terrifying. I’m sorry, but who does NOT get chills by listening to the multi-languaged ramblings of pluralized demon voices coming from an unexpected female body? While true exorcisms are not allowed to be filmed, and I really have no intention or desire to witness one, it is easy to believe that such horrific happenings occur. (For me, anyway. You athiests may be less trusting.) Perhaps it is my childlike faith, (or my foolish gullibility) that makes me believe so.

According to what I have been taught, no demon’s gonna get me, ’cause I believe in God.

I wonder why that doesn’t work for the Catholics?

Yes, I realize that being robbed at knifepoint or threatened with an armed weapon could be just as terrifying as speaking in tongues while writhing around in unnatural positions. But believe me when I say that there is still a possibility of kicking a thug in the balls while he’s trying to rape you. What’r’ya gonna do to the Devil’s assistant when he’s IN you? Feed him?

You all probably think I’m nuts.

But let me point out something.

Just because you don’t believe in the demons, doesn’t make them not real.

And when you get possessed by Azazael or Beelzebub or some other ancient spirit named Legion, don’t be pissed when I told you so.

Just please don’t pass them on to me.

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I Am Indebted To You, Soldiers


In honor of Memorial Day, I have decided to point out just a few ways in which U.S. soldiers have assisted in making me free to be me. I will be using the U.S. Constitution as an aid.

1.Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble.

Soldiers have fought for my right to whatever the fuck I want on my blog so all you people can be highly entertained. This has given me the ability to tell you the truth about my boss, which in turn got me fired, but now you know what a weenie he was. It has also given you all a chance to read about my former lives, and given me a chance to make you wild with desire with my excellent writing skills. This amendment also states that any Sparklebumps worship ceremonies may be held without fear of persecution.

2. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Thank you, soldiers, for making it possible for me to carry a 9 mm in my orange and pink patent-leather purse.

3. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Soldiers may only stay in my house with my permission- luckily for them, I cannot deny a man in fatigues.

4.The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Soldiers have fought for my right to keep my Toy Drawer from being dug through and uneccessarily fondled or otherwise disturbed.

5. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury.

I shan’t be going to prison for … those  things I did unless the Grand Jury allows it. Whew.

6. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed.

When the Grand Jury finally catches me, they cannot try in me in Texas with a jury of unicorns. Thank God.

7. (Actually Amendment 8) Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

No one can charge me billions of dollars to bail my ass outta jail during my trial, nor can they make me eat Corn Nuts or force me to sit in a room of people chomping popcorn loudly and innapropriately.

8.  Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States.

Unless I am convicted of… those things I did, they cannot make me do things I don’t want. However, I am free to be leashed and beaten and forced to perform blowjobs if I so choose.

9. The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes.

Bastards. Soldiers, I cannot thank you for this one.

10.  No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once. But this Article shall not apply to any person holding the office of President, when this Article was proposed by the Congress, and shall not prevent any person who may be holding the office of President, or acting asPresident, during the term within which this Article becomes operative from holding the office of President or acting as President during the remainder of such term.

We have the chance to get rid of those Presidential figures that so offend us. Sadly, it may take 8 years to do so.

I suppose that just about does it. I would also like to state that if it were possible, I would give each and every man and woman who has served or is serving in our armed forces a giant booby-squishin’ hug, which I would surely be stoned for if I lived in most Middle Eastern countries. Happy Memorial Day. XOXO


 



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Lust Incarnate


There aren’t many people who haven’t heard of Lucifer; the whole story of how he got a God complex and was thrown out of  Heaven with his minions is pretty well- known.

A lot of people wonder, “What would make an angel ignore all the perfection of heaven enough to get cast out for all eternity by a forgiving God?”  Believe me. I’ve been asking myself that same question ever since God decided He didn’t want me there anymore, either. See, what people don’t realize is that Lucifer and his buddies aren’t the only ones that got banished from Heaven- they’re just the only ones who got any publicity.

People call me Zu, but my real name is Pharzuph.

I can’t say that I’m completely unrecognized. You’ll find me mentioned in the angelology texts as the fallen angel of fornication and lust. Hey, it could be worse. I’d rather be known as a whore than be stuck ruling a burning lake of fire, wouldn’t you?  I guess you can probably figure out now what got me kicked out of Kingdom Come.

Anyway, I guess God had a little soft spot for me, because he didn’t send me straight to Hell. Instead, I’m stuck here in this shithole of  reality called New York City. On the plus side, I get to do what I do best. To clear things up, I’m a high-class escort, not a two-dollar hooker. Like there’s a difference. The only distinction between the two is soap and a couple hundred bucks.

Check back for more of Zu’s story! XOXO

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If I Was God


The question has been posed numerous times throughout the history of the world concerning the “whys”  of God. Now let me ask you something- Does the being who created everything need a reason to fuck with people? I think not.

This got me to thinking. What would I do if was God?

First of all, I would never have given humans free choice. Now, I’m not saying God made a mistake with that one, but why mess with perfection? You see what happens when people are left to their own devices. People try destroying infidels by flying planes into buildings and women tempt men into eating fruit. Perhaps I would have given free choice to people and then just blown everybody up every hundred years or so when shit got really bad…

Since I’m kind of a bitch, I’d probably strike people dead with lightening at various intervals when I was bored. After an eternity of having absolute power, I’m quite certain just sitting around watching  the idiots of the world running around like, well, idiots would be quite dull unless you were screwing with people every now and again. I’m quite certain there would be many more “natural” disasters too.

One of the things that would be completely different is that the only people I would bless with children would be the ones that wanted them in the first place. None of this “accidental pregnancy” shit. Oh, yes, I realize that “oops” pregnancies may at times change people into better beings, however, I think it more often than not ends in instances of unacceptable parenting behavior. And I REALLY really tired of seeing people who shouldn’t have kids sporting an entire brood of younglings.

I also would deem it necessary to  bring back awesome creatures like unicorns and dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are frickin’ awesome, man! After I Jurassic Park-ed the entire world,  I’d just sit back and watch to see if any kid brought a stray baby T-rex home. THAT would be interesting.

While I’m on the subject of living things, I must mention that mosquitoes would NOT be among them. Woodticks, too. I don’t think any child needs to worry themselves to death over whether they will get Lyme’s disease or West Nile like I did when I was a kid. There was an entire summer when I refused to enter the outdoors after Lyme’s disease was discovered. What a waste…. And as much as I’d like to do away with arachnids, I realize some of them prove useful, so Charlotte and her other spider friends would be safe.

I would also make sure that there were many less ugly people around. I’d keep a few here and there so the beautiful people would still have something to make fun of, but for the most part, I just don’t feel that the world benefits more from having asthetically non-pleasing people, so I’d just make sure everyone turned out gorgeous.

Because I believe in corporal punishment, and everything would be all about me if I were God, (hmm, odd that me being a non-deity doesn’t affect that fact now) unbelief and defiance would be dealt with swiftly and harshly. As in- you’d better believe, bitches, or I’ll smite you down!

Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not God…

P.S. The main thing I would do would be to make everyone love one another. Just think- if hate had never existed in the world, you wouldn’t even know what it was, so you wouldn’t even miss it.

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A Valentine’s Day Beheading


For those of you that may not know, Valentine’s Day was started to honor several Christian men named Valentinus who were martyred. That somehow magically turned into a day where people are supposed to lavish cards, flowers, jewelry, and other completely unrelated shit on people they love. Instead of feeling bad about a guy who lost his head (unwillingly) in the 15th century, we now are convinced we should feel bad when our boyfriends’ overlook gifting us with chocolates, and we feel even worse when we don’t even have boyfriends to give us chocolates on February 14th in the first place.

I myself become a little perturbed each year when the red and green M&M’s of Christmas are replaced with the red and white ones of Valentine’s Day. (I realize my annoyance may partially have to do with the fact that in my adult life, I’ve only received a Valentine from my mother… but still.) The over-the-topness of candy hearts and X’s and O’s get to me because- Why the fuck do we need one day of the year specifically set aside to prove our love for someone?

I don’t know about you, but when I love someone, they know it. I don’t have to cut them out a paper heart or give them a rose for them to know they are the apple of my eye. (Or the cause of the shivers in my drawers) I realize many men (and women) are not comfortable expressing their Love Feelings like I am, and so Valentine’s Day is a perfect oppurtunity to do so. But personally, I would much rather have a big hug and a kiss on any other given day of the year than a dozen red roses (which I hate, because I like daisies, dammit) on Valentine’s Day.

Honestly, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all put less effort into loving our Beloveds on Valentine’s and tried harder to love them EVERY other day? If they are having a bad day and bitching at you, wouldn’t it be nice to have a little bit of Love saved up in your back pocket to fling at them, instead of bitching back? If flowers are absolutely necessary, wouldn’t it be nice to be original and send them to your Gal on a day when she and everyone at her work are NOT expecting it, for example, D-Day?

To those of you who read my blog, whether it’s repeat offenders or the individual who read it once and was greatly appalled- I hope you have a loverly Valentine’s Day with as much love as you get the whole rest of the year. And just know that I love you all and I’ll be your backup Valentine if you need me to be.

That being said, I  must admit that the sparkliness of the Valentine’s aisle at Walgreen always draws me in. But if anyone feels the necessity of bestowing gifts on me this day, a bag of French fries from McDonald’s would truly prove your love for me. XOXO

P.S. This rant in no way swayed me in writing a Valentine’s greeting to a crush of my choice, which I shall post shortly.

 

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When I Grew Up


I got to thinking today about the people I wanted to be when I grew up. Let me rephrase. When I was a child, there were many things that I wanted to be when I grew up. Today, I decided to write about those choices. While there are a few typically chosen careers included, there are quite a few that reflect my active imagination….

A Rancher– In 8th grade, our class was required to write a paper of our future life plan. Being the un-planning type person that I am, this was quite an easy assignment to complete. I stated that I planned on living on a thousand-acre ranch complete with horses, though I had no idea how I was going to get said ranch. I have since graduated to dreams of a castle, which leads me to my next career choice…

A Princess- Most young girls dream of being a princess when they are young. My ambitions of princesshood came later in life. As in at the age of 15 or so, when Princess Di perished.  That was the first time I laid eyes on the face of the person who was going to make  me a princess. Sadly, Kate Middleton had the same idea that I did. (Bitch) Now I have to settle for Prince Harry, but in retrospect,  I guess that’s ok, because he ended up growing into the cute Prince.

A Beach Bum- I find anyone who lives homeless to be incredibly brave. Now I realize not everyone chooses this lifestyle, but there are those who pull it off quite gracefully- like the people who live in warm states. There’s something to be said about the individuals who are fine with owning nothing and can live day to day with only the clothes on their back…

An Artist– I remember wanting to be a well-known artist when I was a child. That dream was dashed against a rock when my Third-grade friend Merry won the Fireman’s Poster Contest. I realized at that time that I would never be the kind of artist that I wished to be. (It still hurts.)

A Committed Individual- This was probably the career I put the most effort into achieving (Albeit subconsciously.) Near where I grew up, there was a campus of beautifully old buildings used for housing the insane and addicted. As my mom would drive me to school, I would point to them and say, “I want to live there someday.” At that time, I didn’t know what manner of people lived there. After I found out, my mind was NOT deterred from wanting to live there, which makes me think I would belong…

Zorro– Believe it or not, I used to want to be a masked crime fighter; however, the only one I ever truly thought had any style was Zorro. I think it was because of the horse. Anyhoo, I haven’t a horse, and I don’t speak Spanish, so I don’t think I fit the bill.

A Missionary to India- As I was growing up in a Baptist church, it was considered a great honor to be a missionary. In fact, thinking about it now, missionaries were exalted to the heights of idols in our church (Breaking one of the 10 Commandments there, Baptists) Being the good little girl that I once was, I decided that India was filled with the most people who needed saving. (The whole gold and bright colors thing was just a plus) I have since decided that I must needs save myself before I worry about anybody else’s eternal souls.

I suppose all of these choices are no longer optional, as I have decided to Peter Pan my life and refuse to grow up.

P.S. I believe the Pussycat Dolls summed up the extent of my goals nowdays when they sang, “When I grow up, I wanna be famous, I wanna be a star, I wanna have groupies.” (Just so you know, I actually thought that last part was “I wanna have boobies” until I looked up the lyrics just now.

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The Story of Jonah- A Translation


So awhile back I was inspired to translate the 10 commandments for the common fol who perhaps don’t know how to speak King James. Here’s the story of Jonah, which I chose because I got to hear it at church on Sunday:

So Jonah was kickin’ back  having a beer, when God spoke to him, saying, “Alright, Dude, listen up. I want you to go to Ninevah and tell them about Me. The people there are pissin’ me right off and I’m going to blow the shit outta them if they don’t repent.”

Jonah thought to himself, “Fuck that shit. Ninevah is Crime Central. If I go there, I’ll prolly get ass-raped, or someone will steall all my beer money.”

So Jonah decided to ignore God and got on a ship headed in the opposite direction.

That pissed God off, and He thought, “What the fuck, Jonah? I’m the boss here. I’ll show you what happens when you don’t do what I say, dumbass.”

So God created a huge strom, and the seamen (heehee, I said semen!) freaked out because they thought they were all going to die. They found Jonah taking a nap downstairs and kicked him, saying, “Get up, you fucker! What are ya thinkin’? Get busy praying so we don’t have a Titanic incident.”

Jonah  said, “Aw shit, dudes. This storm is my fault.”

Then the seamen (haha!) were like, “Well waht are we gonna do with you?”

Jonah shrugged. “Well, God’ll prolly stop this storm if you guys throw me overboard…”

The seamen liked Jonah, so they didn’t really want to toss him into the sea, but they didn’t want to die either, so they did.

Then God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah whole, and Jonah had to sit in the stinky rank-pussy smelling fish belly for three days.

While gagging from the smell, Jonah prayed to God. “God, I fucked up. Seriously, dude, if you get me outta here, I will do whatever you say, because

it reeks pretty bad in here.

God was listening, and He made the fish up-chuck. With a giant belch, the fish threw up and Jonah was tossed with a bunch of algae and shit onto dry land.

“Are you gonna do what I told you to now, you little shit?” God said to Jonah.

“Yes! I don’t wanna go through all that shit again, do I?” So Jonah went to Ninevah and yelled at all the people- “Listen up! Quit your whoring around and your gambling and whatnot, or God’s gonna wipe you out!” All the people saw what a wreck Jonah was, and they could smell him from a mile away, so they figured he was telling the truth. So they put on really bad clothes and repented, and God didn’t kill ’em all.

The End

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A Letter From God


Dear Sparklebumps,

I decided to send you a letter since you are one of my Beloved Children. I don’t usually do this, but I’ve noticed you tend to keep any letters, notes, etc. that people send to you. That was one of the great ideas I thought of when I was creating you; I thought maybe you’d keep everything, so when you become famous (as I have decided you should be) you can make one of those books about your life that have all the little pull-out parts that include letters and pictures and shit. I’d like you to include My letter, so anyone who wants to read about the famous Sparklebumps realizes it was I who made you what you were.

About the picture thing- you know you’re not very photogenic. I will tell you why I decided to make it that way. I made you adorable and smart, but I figured it would be a bit much if I added photogenic, because I know you would have gotten a big head. Also, given your tendency to take nudey pictures of yourself, I figured it was probably best if your face didn’t look great in photos, that way you won’t end up in Playboy or something. I admit that Playboy is a perfect study of the wonderful female form that I created, but it’s not for you. I plan on you making your living from your wit and your way with words, (and possibly your singing voice, if you can convince your Rockstar to start a band) NOT with your semi-hot bod.

Since I brought it up- yes, I gave you big buzooms. I did that because I know you’d be able to handle the attention that comes with them gracefully. Dolly Parton is another one that I made like that; she hasn’t forgotten about Me, and I know you won’t either. I give you permission to take advantage of your boobies, after all, why else would I have given them to you? But at the same time, don’t forget it’s your brain, and not your bra size, that makes you who you are.

I want to give you props for abstaining from all the temptations I’ve sent your way lately. You know I just like to fuck with you, right? (Heh heh) You’ve done good at only doing the sex with your Rockstar , and no one else; I know how you likes the sex and all. I also sent a few hot customers your way for you to just admire from afar, because I know you like to look at pretty things.

The Rockstar thing? You’ve figured out that I made him specifically for you. He, on the other hand, is kinda being a dumbass about the whole situation. I honestly gotta say that I made the male species REALLY bird-brained. What was I thinking? Anyhoo, I’ll try to put a bug in his ear about the whole marriage thing, but he really does love you; he’s just not trusting Me enough. He thinks you might be too much woman for him, so he’s terrified to pop the question.

If you noticed, I sent you a couple new friends, (Delightful, H.E., HR, Hotspur, Brainrants, John, and Megan) They’re kind of a fucked up bunch, so I knew you’d get along with them great. Also, I made sure Delightful lived close to you so you had someone to go to that fabulous coffee shop with. If you make an effort to stay in contact with them, I’ll make sure they make an effort with you, so they don’t end up like all your other friendships.

I wanted to talk about tithing to Me. I know you’re kind of broke right now, and so I’ll let you get away without giving me any offering. You make up for it by playing beautiful piano music to honor Me, and I’m ok with that. BUT. In the future, after you have your castle, I expect 10% of your earnings. In exchange, I’ll make sure the IRS gets off your back.

I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to bless you with children. You kind of have your hands full with your Rockstar’s Daughter, and anyway- you have alot of shit to do before you become a mother. It’s up to you to get started on all that before you reach menopause. You know what They say, “God helps those who help themselves.” (For the record, that’s not in My Word; I’m not sure where it came from.)

I guess that’s about it. You know I made you one of those people that are easy to love, so get out there in the world so they can love you. (NOT in a sexual way. I guess I didn’t make that clear to your stalkers. Sorry about that.)

Your Heavenly Father,

God (or I Am)

P.S. I haven’t quite figured out how yet, but if you keep serving Me, I’ll make sure you get to boob-squish Chris Meloni someday.

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