642 Things To Write About: Plumbing Jingle

My book tells me to write the lyrics of a catchy jingle, for a plumbing service. I must obey.

When you wake up to find your bathroom covered in poo,

you cover your face and cry, “Oh, what shall I do?!”

No worries! Call No Shit Plumbing!

A leak in your pipes, worse than in Gramma’s pants?

One that causes the wife to scream ceaseless rants?

Don’t fret! Call No Shit Plumbing!

When the crap won’t go down,

when the drains are all clogging,

when your too busy to deal,

’cause your submissive needs flogging,

don’t get your panties in a bunch,

don’t untie your bitch,

just go out for lunch

and call No Shit Plumbing!

642 Things To Write About #3 : Three People

Once again, a day of being uninspired, so on to number 3!

Describe three people (one might be you) at three ages looking at things they shouldn’t be looking at.

Of course one of them is me! Probably, I would say, all three of them is me, but I was actually not the first person I thought of when I read this prompt.

As my Rockstar is getting on to a more seasoned age, it has come to my attention that his propensity for looking at fine ass has remained untainted. As much as I would like to say he has eyes only for my ass, I am not so naïve to believe he is that unmanned (His balls remain firmly attached to himself, and NOT in a jar I keep on my shelf). Boys like to look, and as I myself enjoy the sport of ogling hot women, I completely understand. However, I do not wish my boyfriend to be the pervy old dude young chics whisper about behind their hands when we’re out and about. So, I must train him to be not quite so obvious about his gawking. (Which may prove harder than first thought considering that eyesight is one of those things that doesn’t age so well…)

The second person I suppose shall be me, as this is my blog. I shall speak of two ages of me, so as better to acquaint you with myself.

I seem to recall a time long long ago when I was maybe 7 or 8, when my friend (who was a few years older than me) and I made a habit of paging through her dad’s collection of Playboy and Hustler. While I found this act to be highly entertaining, it’s probably safe to say at such a young age, I should not have been looking at pictures of women seemingly saying, “Look at my pussy!”

As my Rockstar ages, so must I, and while the majority of older teen girls I see still look twelve to me, there is, on occasion, one or two that I find myself silently lusting after. Oddly enough, teen boys still look like ten-year-olds to me. I believe a rewrite of Lolita with lesbian proclivities might be very interesting. (To be clear, I’ve no intentions of ever acting on such feelings of lasciviousness. I remain a pervy old lady from afar.)

Finally, I shall mention my Rockstar’s Daughter. As I am the adult (haha, that’s still so funny to me!) in charge of her in the day, I should probably be editing what she watches on Netflix. Since her dad allows her to watch a surprising collection of PG13 movies (including Without a Paddle) even though she is not yet thirteen, I see no reason why she cannot watch Supernatural. (Though from what I’ve seen, it’s kinda scary for a kid.)  Whatever the case, nothing’s as scary as all the fucked-up shit she sees when she goes to her mom’s house. I believe hearing her mom threaten to call the cops on her half-sister is more damaging that anything she’d find on Netflix.

Click heres for #1 and #2.

642 Things To Write About #2: Trouble

Since it has been many moons since my last blog post, and I am feeling completely uninspired at the moment (due to the somewhat early hour of the day), I have decided to take another writing prompt from my handy book 642 Things to Write About. This shall be the second time I’ve used this lovely little writing aid, as the first time is posted HERE. My topic for the day?

Five things that always get you into trouble.

I’m sure that if I answer this with no filter, I will get into trouble. Is that what this question is supposed to do, I wonder?

Well, here goes….

1. My mouth.

And not even in the way you pervs are thinking, so get your mind out of the gutter! Ok, well, maybe in the past my mouth has gotten me in trouble that way…. but anyhoo, I digress. What I meant to say was, my mouth is like a moving box that’s been crushed and mangled and used one too many times. No matter how much you tape it up and try to get stuff to stay put inside it, stuff just continues to fall out, even when you put your hands over the top of it. Maybe it’s not such a huge deal now, but damn. I’m fucked if I ever become famous. Prepare yourselves for the continuous controversy of Shit Sparkle Said. I just hope people don’t despise me as much as I despise Kanye West.

2. My boobs.

You knew it was coming. Need I explain? Excessive boobage has caused dispute throughout history. Just look at Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren, and Anne Boleyn. Ok, that last one was a guess, but it is probably a good assumption that a well-endowed chest had something to do with Henry VIII’s decision to renounce Catholicism and dump his first wife.

3. My histrionic personality.

Which causes me to flirt incessantly, even with people I don’t necessarily find attractive, which in turn causes feelings of adoration and infatuation to fester into feelings of malice and hostility in people unlucky enough to wander through my fickle attentions. I would not consider  myself a heartbreaker, but I’ve certainly pulverized a few.

4. My book addiction.

And my shoe addiction. Which have both been detrimental to my wallet. Luckily, I have never suffered from buyer’s remorse.

5. I suppose, my blog.

Having been fired the one and only time in my life because of my online writing, and having appalled my parents and perhaps a countless slew of others, it is safe to say that my blog may justly be included in the list of five.

 

642 Things To Write About: #1 Online Dating Service Description

On one of my many jaunts through the delightful space called TJ Maxx, I came across the most amazing of books. 642 Things To Write About is a blogger’s greatest treasure. No longer will I waste time pondering what entertaining paragraphs I shall type on a day unfilled with inspiration. Instead, I will open up my handy-dandy book of writing ideas and randomly choose one that strikes my fancy. As all the best things begin with me, I feel it only right to begin this writing journey by choosing an idea that will fully illustrate the enigma that is me. The idea I chose for today was thus phrased: Write two descriptions of yourself for an online dating service. First, be the kind of girl who’d be taken home to meet the mother. Then try a hot, sexy version. This shall be fun…

#1. Young 30-something woman looking for love and the perfect person to raise gorgeous children with. Intelligent, witty, and caring. I will always kiss you goodnight and try my hardest to cook beautiful meals for you, though I cannot guarantee that they will always turn out. It’s A Wonderful Life is my favorite movie, because I long to have a family exactly like George Bailey’s. I play piano for my Grandma’s church,  and write in my spare time. I am in charge of a restaurant, but one day hope to become a published author so I can stay home and read to my babies. I haven’t the face of a Boticelli angel, but people have told me I’m very pretty. If you envision growing old with someone and sitting on a front porch somewhere drinking iced tea in your old age with her, I just might be it.

(Ok, not that that’s done, on to the fun.)

#2 Are you looking for lust in all the wrong places? Look no further, because here I am! 5’3″, DDD, and an ass that has been described as “perfect for anything”, I’m a girl who’s always ready for a good time, and I won’t say no to any requests (other than ones that include bodily fluids.) If you prefer a taller chic, no problem. My many stilettos help me out in that area! Looking to tie a girl up? Just the thought of it makes me hot. Wanna be tied up? I’ll make you beg. I’m intelligent enough I’ll even play chess with you after we’re done. Strip poker is my game of choice, though I  must warn you that I’m excellent at it, so wear extra layers. Blowjobs are one of my favorite past times, and I will swallow if you ask nicely. If I disappoint you in anyway, please feel free to administer spankings until I learn what your desires are. I’ve been described as “gorgeous”, “pretty” and “funny”. I am a writer; I write a lot of things, but erotica seems to be my favorite these days. I’ll bake for you in nothing other than my apron, and you’ll thank me for it later. As an extra bonus, I just happen to like girls too, so invite that hottie you’ve been checking out over. A forewarning- I might not share her. You know you wanna, so just call me, already. XOXO