Versatility Is My Middle Name

Here is the final post of my All About Me series. (Ok, let’s face it- there will never be a final post about me- but anyhoo…) Thanks to Archon hiding in his Den, you shall now know 7 things about me that you didn’t know before. And Archon, you may have a booby squeeze whenever you come an’ get it, but I regret to inform you that it will be slightly less enthusiastic than Chris Meloni’s, since you are, in fact, NOT Chris Meloni. (Believe me, I am as upset about that as you are.)

On to trivia about me… (I should really design a board game about me… can you imagine how sparkly and pink it would be?!)

1. I remember well the very first porn I witnessed. While I do not recall the exact point of it, I seem to remember something about strippers and ping pong balls shooting out of cooches. I also recall my friend laughing at me when I ended up running to the bathroom and throwing up after watching such things. I think the visual sequences were a bit much for my 7 year old brain.

2. I became a born-again Christian when I was 4. It was after Sunday School at the place where I had daycare, and the good old fire-and-brimstone preaching of the Baptists had my 4 year old self terrified of swimming in a lake of fire for all eternity. I still believe Christ died for me, but I also embrace all other religions, because, after all, who am I to decide which one is right?

3. I have wondered on occassion what it would be like to kill someone. No, I do not intend to find out for myself, but I mention this only because I know I’m not the only one. I’m just the only one willing to admit it.

4. I have never taken drugs, nor do I plan on it, but I have decided that if I ever did, heroin would be my first choice. I do not know why, except that if I’m going to indulge, I might as well start with the really bad stuff.

5. My knees can never be considered beautiful, because they sport numerous scars from living the life of an accident-prone child. The worst one came from running down a grass hill as full speed and totally biffing it as soon as I hit the concrete. There is a reason why I look best on my knees…

6. When looking for love, I do not gender-discriminate. In my life I have been in love with exactly 2 women and 3 men. It just happens that the women I fall in love with don’t swing that way.

7. I am not, at any time, ok with people taking french fries and other assorted foody goodness off my plate “just to try it” when I am at a restaurant. If you want some french fries, fucking order some. My french fries are MY french fries. And my ranch dressing is NOT for you!

It’s All About Me

As if you all didn’t already know that… Anyhoo, it seems people cannot get enough of reading useless facts about me, or they would be tagging me and Versatiling (I just made that a word) me. I would like all my fans to know that I haven’t been ignoring their nominations and tags- I’ve just busy lately. There are so many rules regarding the tagging and Versatile Blogger Award, and since rules are meant to be broken, I am the perfect person to be breaking them. (And I am much too lazy to actually complete all the rules. So what I intend to do is go through and pick and choose which rules I shall follow. Thanks to those who tagged me and nominated me, because without you I will still be talking about myself, it would just look much more self-absorbed.

Firstly, Megan over at VeryNormal tagged me with these questions:

1. The best moment of your life?

I am quite certain this hasn’t happened yet, because I haven’t had the opportunity to be alone with Chris Meloni,  so until it does, I shall combine all the almost-best moments of my life- every time I purchase a new used book, every time I have an orgasm while sitting on my Rockstar’s boner, every time I get a hug from my special friend Delightful… you get the picture.

2. The worst moment of your life?

I am absolutely sure this has not happened yet, but the moment that comes to mind is- a couple years ago, a month or so after leaving my husband, I was sitting in my completely empty rented apartment and my Rockstar had said he needed a night to himself. I was feeling incredibly lonely, and when I’m alone I think too much. And though I knew I did the right thing by leaving my husband, I was missing him. So I sat in my empty apartment and cried for the things that weren’t, and the things that were, and the things that had been and could have been. Poor me. What is ironic is the whole situation was of my own doing.

3. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

I would have told my ex-manager that was a moron that he was, in fact, a moron to his face as I was getting fired instead of just writing it in my blog.

4. If you could go back and tell someone how you really felt when you didn’t, who would it be?

I suppose the above could have been put here, but I’ll think of another.

I would have told the boy I fell in love with at first sight and stayed in love with all through high school that I loved him. We would have been married now, or so I like to imagine.

5. If there was someone who you could tell how you really felt now who would it be?

This is kind of the same question, and so I would like to say that because of the above answer, I now tell people exactly what I feel whenever I’m feeling it.

6. Your greatest achievement?

Getting you people to read my blog. I still don’t know how I did it.

7. Someone you wanted to be proud of you who weren’t?

I suppose at one time I wanted my dad to be proud of me, but he wasn’t and isn’t, because according to him I’m the Devil, and according to me, he’s an asshole.

8. List the best people in your life right now.

My beloved friend, Delightful, because she is always there for me, and she is always excited to see me, and she is amazing.

My beloved Rockstar, because he loves me. (I know this because even though I have taken over his apartment with bookshelves, he let me know that bookshelves are on sale at Fleet Farm this week.)

My beloved Auntie, who never runs out of things to say, even when I do.

My beloved blog readers, because without them, I would just be writing for myself.

9. Your joy in life is…

Making people smile. And french fries. And shoes. And hugs. And books.  (Was I only supposed to pick one?)

10. What you wish you could do but cannot?

Break out in a foreign accent at any given time. This would be completely useless, but highly entertaining. When I try it, I just end up sounding like a pirate. Aaargh!

11. If I gave you an airline ticket for anywhere in the world were would you go?

If you gave me a ticket, Megan, I would feel compelled to come visit you. If you were busy, I’d hop a plane on over to Ireland, because I need to start looking for a castle to live in.

I guess this is going to have to be a three-part series. Hooray for you that you get to know so much about me!

200 Words About Me

So I’m supposed to come up with a 200 word bio to include with my short story for Gillian Colbert and I got nothing. So here is your opportunity to tell me everything you think about me… I’m giving you all free reign here, so if you got somethin’ to say, just say it.