Nice To (Kind of) Meet You, Mr. Deniro

Dear Robert Deniro,

I will begin this letter by saying I adore you as the lightning pirate who wears corsets and can-can scarves in the movie Stardust. Though you have made a career out starring as tough mob bosses and mentally unfit taxi drivers, I must admit that I did not truly appreciate your talent until I saw you parading around with a heart-shaped mole in this film. You may star in my future films as a sexually-confused air-pirate anytime.

That being said, I would like to point out that while you were equally as brilliant in your role as Jack Byrnes in Meet the Parents  and it’s sequals, I was so disgusted with that Ben guy that I couldn’t fully enjoy your performance. He seems to end up in a lot of movies I immensely enjoy, causing me great distress.

I’ve just gotten finished watching Everybody’s Fine on Netflix, and I without a doubt think that you should have received an Oscar for your performance as a lonely widower on the edge of death. While I watched, I thought to myself that I would surely not mind being your daughter, because you did love your children so. I am glad that you did not die at the end.

Thanks to Netflix, I was also able to watch The Big Wedding, where you played a horny old man with an ex wife and a girlfriend. Might I just say here- yay for you! If you can so easily play a randy seasoned patriarch, perhaps you are not acting at all, hmm?

Side note: While my previous letters to greatly-matured actors such a Anthony Hopkins have hinted at my possible lust for them, I must admit that I bear no such funny feelings in my pants for you, dear Robert. That is not to say I do not find you to be quite smashing in other categories. So sorry.

After having adored you so in the last few films of yours I’ve watched, I have made a point to put all of your movies that were available on my Netflix list. Sadly, Cape Fear and The Deer Hunter were not among these. So if you happen to read this letter, and find it even mildly amusing, would you be so kind to send me signed copies? If not, I guess that’s ok. It was only a suggestion.

I would like to congratulate you on the fact that you haven’t aged a day in the last 20 years. You don’t look a day over…. 65. Well, there has to be a few grand actors in Hollywood who aren’t just there for their looks, right?

If at any time you wish to produce a movie that requires that I play your daughter, or hired hooker, feel free to give me a call. It would be a great honor to work with you. I would even include a booby squishin’ hug upon our initial meeting, but don’t get any ideas. I’m saving myself for Chris Meloni.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

 

Unfortunately, Kevin Costner

My Dearest Sparklebumps,

I wanted to write this letter to apologize for the irkedness and offense I’ve cause you throughout the years.

I cannot think of what has made you detest me so. I’ve given great thought to it, and there was only a few reasons I could come up with.

First of all, I would like to seek forgiveness for Waterworld. There was really no excuse for that. I would just like to point out that I got swept up in the idea of starring in the most expensive movie of the times. Let me repeat, I’m so sorry.

I have come to realize that my less-than-outstanding acting ability may have something to do with your displeasure with me. I agree that it is totally reprehensible of me to continue accepting starring roles that will further alienate you from me. I didn’t think I did too badly portraying John Dunbar in Dances With Wolves, and trust me, I was disappointed in the choice of actress they used for my love interest, as well. It is true, my performance in Dragonfly was mediocre at best, and the only thing that saved me was the screenplay writer. I should know better by now to turn down any more western roles, but, Sparkle, I keep accepting those roles because I want to play a badass- it’s no use. My weenie-dom seeps through.

I understand how tiresome it is to continuously hear of my utter gorgeousness. You know how your Auntie gets whenever I come onscreen. There is a multitude of other women (and I’m sure men) who are brainwashed into thinking I am much more beautiful than I am. (including me) You know as well as I that just because millions of people say you’re pretty, that doesn’t make it so. I try as hard as I can to convince them I AM, in fact, sexually appealing, but unlike They said in Field of Dreams– if you build it, they will come- I know within my heart that, despite my best efforts, I will never make YOU come. Your blatant revulsion of me is palpable. Though there are thousands of miles between us, I feel the shudders of your abhorrence every time you realize I’m coming out with a new movie like a slap in the face.

I hope you can understand that my venture as a restauranteur was to satiate my egotistical tendencies. Opening a bar and grill in Deadwood and then filling it with movie memorabilia from only my own movies was indeed pompous and narcissicistic, but you must remember, my fans like it, even if I DO suck balls.

I will end my letter by urging you to reconsider accepting any future acting rolls you may be offered where you would costar with me. I know that my hideous acting would be distracting, but you must remember, everyone would be looking at you anyway.

Unfortunately,

Kevin Costner

Timothy Olyphant- The Man of Confusion

As I haven’t been able to post since Friday, I have several posts in my head to write today, but I suppose I should do something useful today too, so one at a time. My first shall be about the man who has beget mass confusion on my brain. No I’m not speaking of my rockstar, but he does that at times too. No no. The man is Timothy Olyphant.

Who, you say?

This man:

While you may not recognize his name (who in a drunken state my Rockstar calls the Elephant Guy) you may recognize his face.

I first became familiar with this actor when I watched to movie Catch and Release and was completely appalled when Jennifer Garner fell for this asshole man with the disgusting face. (My mother agrees with me that he was quite horrendous in this movie)

I knew not his name at the time, but his less-than-beautiful face was ingrained into my brain.

Then came along Deadwood.

When I first started visiting my Rockstar on occassion (see also: fucking his brains out regularly) I found that in his movie collection, he had all three seasons of the HBO show Deadwood. He insisted we watch them since I had never done so. While the dialogue is screen-writing after my own heart, (“Fuck”, “cocksucker” and “pussy” being the three main words uttered throughout every episode) I was disturbed to have to face Mr. Olyphant’s face once more. Worse still, not  being of flamboyant or disgusting personality, he was instead almost robotic- and he never blinked. Even odder, his character ended up lusting after a married woman, but it was only after several episodes of me screaming at the T.V.- “Fuck that nasty bitch already! I wanna see some boobies!” that he finally had his way with her; afterwards, I was even more appalled to see that his demeanor hadn’t changed in the least. He was still unblinking and cold as the Terminator. (I informed my Rockstar that this was because it must not have been a good lay.)

Soon after, my Rockstar found the movie The Crazies on Netflix and was excited to see that The Elephant Guy made an appearance. (My Rockstar seems to like Timothy for some odd reason. I suppose when I think about it, it’s probably because neither one of them seems capable of declaring love for a woman in so many words) I was surprised to see that Mr. Olyphant had, at least a tiny bit, acquired human-like qualities since Deadwood. I assumed it was because running from Zombies is quite emotional.

Then came Justified.

Another show we found on Netflix, my Rockstar insisted we watch it because the main character is “That Elephant Guy.” This is where the confusion sets in.

In this series, I find him to be utterly irresistable.

Despite the Southern accent (which I cannot stand) and the fact that he has never appealed to me even minutely because of his many characters lacking a soul (or a personality) after watching Justified, I would most certainly ravage Timothy Olyphant if he was lying naked on my bed.

Go figure.

(For the record, I still find his face appalling.)