I Am Indebted To You, Soldiers

In honor of Memorial Day, I have decided to point out just a few ways in which U.S. soldiers have assisted in making me free to be me. I will be using the U.S. Constitution as an aid.

1.Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble.

Soldiers have fought for my right to whatever the fuck I want on my blog so all you people can be highly entertained. This has given me the ability to tell you the truth about my boss, which in turn got me fired, but now you know what a weenie he was. It has also given you all a chance to read about my former lives, and given me a chance to make you wild with desire with my excellent writing skills. This amendment also states that any Sparklebumps worship ceremonies may be held without fear of persecution.

2. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.

Thank you, soldiers, for making it possible for me to carry a 9 mm in my orange and pink patent-leather purse.

3. No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Soldiers may only stay in my house with my permission- luckily for them, I cannot deny a man in fatigues.

4.The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Soldiers have fought for my right to keep my Toy Drawer from being dug through and uneccessarily fondled or otherwise disturbed.

5. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury.

I shan’t be going to prison for … those  things I did unless the Grand Jury allows it. Whew.

6. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed.

When the Grand Jury finally catches me, they cannot try in me in Texas with a jury of unicorns. Thank God.

7. (Actually Amendment 8) Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

No one can charge me billions of dollars to bail my ass outta jail during my trial, nor can they make me eat Corn Nuts or force me to sit in a room of people chomping popcorn loudly and innapropriately.

8.  Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States.

Unless I am convicted of… those things I did, they cannot make me do things I don’t want. However, I am free to be leashed and beaten and forced to perform blowjobs if I so choose.

9. The Congress shall have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes.

Bastards. Soldiers, I cannot thank you for this one.

10.  No person shall be elected to the office of the President more than twice, and no person who has held the office of President, or acted as President, for more than two years of a term to which some other person was elected President shall be elected to the office of the President more than once. But this Article shall not apply to any person holding the office of President, when this Article was proposed by the Congress, and shall not prevent any person who may be holding the office of President, or acting asPresident, during the term within which this Article becomes operative from holding the office of President or acting as President during the remainder of such term.

We have the chance to get rid of those Presidential figures that so offend us. Sadly, it may take 8 years to do so.

I suppose that just about does it. I would also like to state that if it were possible, I would give each and every man and woman who has served or is serving in our armed forces a giant booby-squishin’ hug, which I would surely be stoned for if I lived in most Middle Eastern countries. Happy Memorial Day. XOXO

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What I Have To Say

So, I decided to be a bit less creative today and go with an autotopic that popped out at me. Here it is:

If you had the attention of the entire world for two minutes, what would you say?

Since the idea of being seen by the entire world appeals to my histrionic personality disorder, of course I had to take this topic and run with it. However, since two minutes is not a very long time, I decided I would have to talk very fast in order to get everything I would have to say in. While some of it is perhaps not super profound, I am willing to pass out copies of my speech to the presidents of the world if they are so inclined to strive for world peace. Here we go:

To all women, men, children, trannies, and monsters,

It is my hope that all the people of the world can unite and quit being judgemental cocksuckers. While I do not condone killing, I believe war to be an essential evil, if only to protect innocent people from being murdered. To those of you who do not support War, I urge you to move to a different country where freedom is more easily won. Unfortuneately, you don’t have alot of choices there, do you? I DO wish that everyone could be brought home safe, but by not supporting the war, you are essentially belittling what the men and women of our Armed Forces are giving their lives for, which is just shitty of you.

To all politicians and voters, I believe it would be beneficial to the U.S. to eliminate the parties of Republican and Democrat, because the ridiculousness with which you all conduct yourselves is embarrassing. Being President or Senator are jobs that should be taken seriously, and should NOT be done with the intentions of pursuing your own personal agenda. For this reason , I believe politician should be paid “normal people” wages, so all the greedy fuckerheads would be weeded out and the remaining candidates would be there because they actually CARE about our countries future. On that note, I do not think 2 years of political commercializing is necessary; if you have noticed, everybody knows about Kim Kardashian and that whole clusterfuck, which only took 72 or so days. Politicians just need to hire better publicists.

To those who don’t approve of gays, lesbians, bi- or transgender people I say, unless you have been in their shoes, you cannot judge, and God says to love everybody. They just want to love and be loved, exactly like everybody else, and what people do in their own bedrooms is their OWN business, so why are you making it yours?

To people who don’t read I say. You should really read, because no matter what you read, you will be a little less moronic. You will always learn something from a book, and that’s never a bad thing.

Everyone every day needs to take a moment out of their busy lives and just chill, and notice the beautiful world in which we live. If it’s not beautiful where you live, think of the beautiful people that you know.

The last thing I have to say is love. If you all treat every person you meet like your brother, (assuming that you like your brother) the world will be a better place, so the next time you see someone that needs help, help them if you can. The next time you see someone that needs a hug, hug them, because they might be me. And hugs always make me feel better.

P.S. And something really needs to be done about Taylor Swift.