Dream Rape

So, I would like to state that I have never found the thought of Ashton Kutcher naked a charming or alluring thought. Which may be the reason I was greatly disturbed upon awaking from slumber last night.

Let me explain.

Ashton made an appearance in one of my dreams last night. Sadly, I was going to write about my other dream, which was truly frightening, but it seems to have slipped my mind. So you get the Ashton dream.

I don’t really remember the whole thing, except that I had just moved into an apartment that resembled a Motel 6 room. (Creepy.) There was something having to do with hiding from some people who were after me, and then- there was Ashton. Apparently he was in the same situation of hiding as I. So here we were in this tiny apartment place, and then we were doing it. Very rambunctiously, I might add.

(I will clear up here that I have had only 2 other sex dreams in my life- one of them being not actual sex, but a dream with a shirtless Chris Meloni, so the fact that I started going at it hardcore with Ashton Kutcher in a dream has shaken me to my core.)

While we were making the bed bang up against the wall, (I said hardcore, and I meant it.) we were laughing and giggling, and then I heard a voice in my head say, “You guys are too in love, you’d never be able to make a porn outta this.”

(I wish to be clear again, I am NOT in any way in love with Ashton.)

But after the voice in my head said that, (I’m glad the voices make appearances in my dreams too and not just in real life) I started thinking, I bet I could get Ashton to shave and cut his hair and resemble someone who is not a goon. Why would I think THAT in the middle of him sticking his un-requested boner in me, I wonder?

Anyhoo, that’s all I can remember of my dream, but again I maintain that Ashton Kutcher raped me in my dream. Even if I DID enjoy it.

P.S. If it would have been the sexy Calvin Klein model Ashton of yesteryears, I perhaps wouldn’t have minded so much; but it wasn’t. It was the un-washed scruffy version of Ashton from Two and a Half Men. Blech.

Former Studs and the Women Who Ruined Them

For some odd reason, while I was saucing and cheesing at working today, I began thinking of famous men who were completely wetty-inducing BEFORE they were savagely ruined by women. Here are a few examples:

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert: Blake first came to my attention when his first album came out. Although I had no clue what he looked like, his songs They played on the radio caught my interest, and I thought, “Hey. This guy could be a great songwriter.” Then when a little song called Nobody but Me hit the charts, I was a goner. I happened to see the video for it, and despite the fact the Blake sported a semi-mullet (which he graciously covered with a cowboy hat), I found him to be irresistable.

Then came Miranda. Sadly, I believe Miranda has been ruined by their relationship too, because before Blake, she sang good songs. Now- not so much. I believe Blake was the modern-day Samson, and when Miranda talked him into cutting his hair, I believe the stylist cut his talent away with it. Now Blake no longer sings about skinny dipping with hot girls; he only sings about how God gave him Miranda. And I am convinced the loss of his hair has made his eyes bug out of his head, because I can no longer watch him sing without getting creeped out.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: I realize that Tom was probably a bit over the edge long ago. (Thank you, Scientology) but you never saw him jumping on a couch or asking to eat his baby’s placenta BEFORE Katie, did you? I rest my case.

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill: Yet another country star lost to the evil wiles of a woman. Before Faith, Tim was HOT. I liked it, I loved it, and I definitely wanted more of it. I don’t know what it is about a man in a cowboy hat singing Don’t Take the Girl, but when he sings it now with the “fashionable” beret I’m sure Faith picked out, I want to change the words to “Please take the girl.” I bet he doesn’t even OWN a cowboy hat anymore. I suppose he is still sexy in a stylish, preppy-boy sort of way, but I like my men rugged.

Brad Pitt and Angelina: I hate to say it, because Angelina is my hero, but DAMN! The man has aged. Is it because he spends all his time worrying about Angie and her male co-stars and what they may be doing? (Just remember, Brad. Karma is watching) I’m sure having six kids to chase doesn’t help.  I miss the days of a shirtless Brad with flowing hair and women killing themselves because of their love for him. Now, those days are just legends of the fall.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: I will admit, I never understood the allure of him in the first place, except for I found him to be very sweet and funny in Just Married. I no longer find him so. Perhaps if he showered once or twice this year, the fire would be re-kindled. Also, he is one of the only men who actually looks better with short hair…

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson: I realize he was a slob long before Pamela, but then he was just acting like a Rockstar. And you never heard about his Hep C before her…

Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar: You are probably saying, “Who?!” My point exactly. The bitch is keeping him all to herself.

I could go on, but it just makes me sad. My fear is that if I marry my Rockstar, he will somehow magically become one of the Studs That Used to Be.