Tag Archives: Baptists

A True and Sparkly Tale

Once upon a time, there was a land full of happy people with sparkly souls where everyone loved everyone else and no one judged anybody. The King and Queen  gave birth to a daughter they called Glitteratia. Princess  Glitteratia was blessed at her christening with the ability to make people smile, and everyone in the kingdom would go around grinning after going to visit her.

One day, some horrible people called Baptists snuck into the castle and stole Glitteratia from her cradle while she slept. They stole her because they didn’t think it was proper for a child to be raised in a place where it was ok for men to fall in love with other men, and where alcohol flowed freely. So the Baptists raised Glitteratia as their own, brainwashing her to think that sex was Evil, and that no living person would ever look at her again if she had it. The land of Baptists was filled with sad people who when around with furrowed brows who would occassionally find it necessary to confess the sexualized thoughts in front of an entire congregation of Baptists. This is how Glitteratia came to know that she was not one of them, because she lacked the desire to stand up in front of the multitudes and confess her sins.

On her 18th birthday, Glitteratia escaped with her Beany Babies and books and made her way through the wilderness to a sort of Purgatory that was filled with Republicans and just a few Democrats. While this land was not achingly beautiful like the land of her birth, she decided it was far superior to the Baptist land she had escaped from, so she decided to stay for awhile. She started dating a pretty boy who fell madly in love with her (for awhile) and ended up marrying him. The pretty boy had a sister who lacked a personality and insisted on trying to be friends with Glitteratia, even though her lack of personality bothered Glitteratia immensely.

Glitteratia grew depressed in the land of Republicans, because their favorite pasttimes were to go four-wheeling and to shoot deer. They also made a national holiday out of Election Day, and everyone would hunker down in front of the TV do view the results of voting. This is when Glitteratia realized she did not belong.

In the world that is not Glitteratia’s birthplace, people have a name for the sparkly land’s natives personalities. It is called histrionic, and here it is considered a disorder. Glitteratia’s husband was not willing to properly care for her personalitie’s needs and he did not realize that in an act of self-preservation, Glitteratia would leave him in search of someone more capable of giving her attention and appreciating her sparkliness. He was heartbroken, and was never fully healed.

Glitteratia wandered Minnesota until she found her soulmate huddled in an empty apartment all alone. He was called Rockstar, and had been stolen from Glitteratia’s homeland also when he was just a babe. They came together, and were never parted, no matter how many times his Daughter tried to run Glitteratia off. Since Rockstar was older, he had been away from the sparkly land for much longer, and had a hard time finding the sparkliness in his soul. Glitteratia was convinced this is why she found him; so that he can realize his true identity and they can live happily ever after.

Glitteratia now blogs under the psuedonym Sparklebumps.


Filed under Beauty, God, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized