Tag Archives: bikinis

Fashion Statement

I am composing this post to tell you all the truth…

For Women:

Skinny jeans do NOT, in fact, make you look skinny, unless you already are so. The truth is, if you possess any ass whatsoever, skinny jeans simply scream, “Look at this HUGE ass! We make it look even ginormouser by making these legs look smaller!” The only acceptable time to wear skinny jeans is when boots are paired with them.

Not everyone should wear a bikini. I realize that two-piece swimwear is all the rage, and has been so since the 60’s. However, unless you are vacationing in Mexico, (where a one-piece is the equivilant of advertising that you are a prude) I deem it perfectly acceptable to wear  unitard-inspired swimwear. I am speaking to those women buying the cutesy minute bikinis in a size 10 or larger. Just because they make ’em in that size does NOT make it ok to buy it.

Galoshes are made to wear in the rain. While I have, in the past, entertained the thought of pairing a set of patterned galoshes with a fluffy skirt and rock T-shirt, I have NOT actually done so. This may be due to the fact that, while sitting in the Denver airport, I witnessed a girl having done so. I also witnessed the reaction her choice of outfit provoked. Let me just point out- the reaction to Lady Gaga’s meat dress was very similiar.

See-thru leggings are to be worn with something over them. I (and I’m quite certain other people) do not wish to have the opportunity to discover if you’ve manicured your pussy lawn just by looking at you.

Fat people and stretchy pants- NO! Just no.

A fashion math problem: Cleavage – leg= Classy.  Leg – cleavage = Sexy. Leg + Cleavage = Skanky. One or the other, girls. Unless your trying to make some dough on a street corner.

While I encourage the wearage of sky-high heels, I do not condone wobbling around on them in public. Practice, practice, practice!

For the Men:

Flannel shirts are acceptable at specialized times, such as: when chopping wood; when ice-fishing and/or hunting; and when dressing as Paul Bunyan for Halloween. There is no such thing as a NICE flannel shirt, unles you are speaking of it’s quality in sub-zero weather.

It’s best to wear a belt when belt loops are present. If you’ve not noticed, unless you are Chris Meloni, you probably don’t have an ass to hold up your pants.

Baseball hats are also acceptable at specialized times, and should not be worn during church, at the dinner table, or because you are simply too lazy to comb your hair.

Holey and/or stained T-shirts are an unacceptable outfit choice for a first date- unless you AND your date are homeless.

While dress shirts are meant to be tucked in, I would like to point out that a man possessing a beer belly in a tucked in shirt STILL has a beer belly. I’m not quite certain how that looks less messy.








Filed under Beauty, Fashion, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

The Woes of Underpants

Underwear just piss me right off.

To little 15 yr olds: I don’t need to see the ENTIRE string of your v-string under your lowrise jeans. I realize you wish to convey to horny teen boys that you are quite ready to give up your virginity to them (or at least are the kind of girl that will do anything BUT), but there are other ways to let these lucky lucky boys know- like sexting them.

To fat ladies: panty lines under stretchy pants- not good. I understand that any v-string or thong you women would wear in an attempt to fix this disaster would be lost in the folds of excess skin that has settled around your waste, and so, to prevent my eyes from being assaulted by the outline of your granny panties, please cease to wear stretchy pants until further notified of a more favorable solution.

As far as wearing underwear: Thongs- yes, please give me something with which to floss any stray fecal matter from my crack. Bikinis – yes, I realize I have a stellar physique, unfortuneately it does not come complete with hips to hold up bikini undies. And everything else-gets bunchy under my faux leather leggings.

Buying underwear: to Victorias Secret- seriously?! $18 for a piece of string and a triangle of cotton? (Sadly, I fell for this terrible ploy and ended up owing Victoria MANY dollars before I realized I would not look like a model in her underwear) To Walmart: washing a pair of your underwear should not make them disintegrate.

THEREFORE, I claim this day as  Commando Day. HOO- RAH.


Filed under Beauty, Fashion, Humor, Life, Uncategorized