Tag Archives: boner

If I Was A Superhero


If I was a superhero…

I would rid the world of Evildoers- mainly retailers that charge exuberant prices for shoes, and people who crunch their popcorn too loudly. I suppose I’d have to take out a few suicide bombers and terrorists too.

I would pose as a librarian, or maybe a Pizza Slut, during the day, but at night I would wear a shiny cape and be busting out of my shirt, like Superman. (Unfortuneately, I have that problem with button-up shirts anyway)

My super power would be my luscious buzooms, which would allow me to distract men from doing man-type of things, (such as watching football and other corrupt activities.) My other super power would be my charm, which I would use to tell women they are lovely, thereby making them realize that men are too busy watching football to fully appreciate them.

I would also know tai-chi, karate, and kung-fu which I have learned from an over-sized rat and his four turtle apprentices.

French fries and boners would be my kryptonite. Therefore, I would have to maintain a life of solitude, so as not to become distracted from my destiny. (however, my trusty rabbit vibrator will be on hand at all times.) Also, I would have to steer clear of fast-food restaurants.

My thigh-high sparkley boots would have platforms on them; such gadgetry comes in handy when trying to acheive certain goals-such as reaching the top shelf of bookcases. And my spandex skivvy-looking attire would have a zipper in the crotch to assure speedy bathroom breaks while I’m fighting crime.

My greatest nemeses would be bill collectors, white trash, and the oven.

Despite many close calls, and all the newspapers reporting at least 3 times that I have been defeated, I shall retire unscathed in the country, sitting in a rocking chair and drinking schnapps while reminiscing of my glory days as  da da da….Sparklewoman   Womanbumps  Sparklebumps the Woman!

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Of A Certain Age


Happy Saturday, my Lovelys! This shall have to be a short post today, as I have the distinct honor of training in the Girl Who Smells Like Soup today, and so I shall actually have to do a small amount of actual work today. It is also my first official night of working as a Pizza Slut, since I finished all the ridiculously asinine training videos this week. Woo.

So I got to thinking about this subject when my Rockstar mentioned that his insurance went up this morning. I reminded him, when a person reaches a certain age, instead of their car insurance going down because of good driving, it begins to go up because old people are dangerous behind the wheel. I was really just giving him shit because I do not believe 40 is “a certain age”, although with him, I’m beginning to wonder.

Firstly, he goes to bed REALLY early. As in 8:30 or 9. I suppose in retrospect, this is really not THAT early when you consider the fact that he goes to work at 5:30, but still. When a person goes to bed when it’s still light outside, in my own opinion, that is too early. Plus, he takes naps. Don’t get me wrong, I love to be in bed with him, but I prefer it to be under totally different circumstances.

Next, of course I must mention sex. I will say firstly, the man is a stallion, using his love wand in magnificent and astonishing ways, but at what age do men generally start to think other things are more important than sex? Perhaps it is because I am a nymphomaniac, but I am of the opinion that there should be much naked fun time going on at his age, (at least 3 times a day) while he still has the use of his boners without the assistance of medication.Moving on.

He still has his teeth. For now. A week or so ago, I was  greatly disturbed when my Rockstar was speaking of dentists, and he informed me that he is of the opinion that instead of getting his teeth fixed (when from what I can tell they look good), he would much rather save the $2500 a tooth it would cost and just have the dentist relieve him of his teeth and get dentures. WHAT?! I am appalled that he thinks at his age, this is acceptable.

Yes, I realize I am not that much younger that he, being now 30, but I do not yet think he is of a certain age to be acting like an old man. He needs to wait at least 5 years.

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Filed under Family, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized