Tag Archives: Brad Pitt

The Samson Effect


I am back from my hiatus. I would like to say I was filling my time learning how to use numbchucks or finding a cure for stupidity, but alas, I must admit that I have just been being lazy. Oh, and I had a cold.

Anyhoo, I was having a conversation with a coworker the other day about relationships and the characteristics that people find attractive. Did you know that men notice nice skin, or the lack thereof? Also, that men desire women that are of smaller stature than they? This second fact I knew from my many readings of fictional love stories, however, I thought perhaps it was just a fictional romantic notion- this man towering over some hot babe thing. Nay, it is truth. I wonder what the short dudes do?

The discussion turned to the fact that my Rockstar has somewhat longer hair than the average male, (though not nearly as long as I’d like). My coworker was appalled at my admission that if R was to cut all his hair off, he would become just slightly less appealing to me and my lady parts. It is shameful, I know, since he plays guitar and has a wondrously beautiful nose, and deals with all of my sparkling faults, but it is not something I can help. After I admitted my disgusting shallowness, I got to thinking of all the celebrity men who once had me in their sensual hair net (see what I did there?) only to lose me to the dastardly acts of a pair of silvery shears:

Blake Shelton: Damn Miranda Lambert! I am convinced it was the she-devil herself who urged Blake to cut his glorious curly mullet. (Ok, I know the mullet isn’t really in style and all, but it looks aright with a cowboy hat.) No longer do I care to repeatedly watch his music videos while imagining my hands entangled in the mass of Jerry-curl.

Brad Pitt: I know I am not the only woman to have fallen for Brad in Legends of the Fall. It may have been his golden shimmering locks, or his extremely well-toned six pack, but I assure you, I’ve seen him shirtless in many other movies, minus his lengthy tresses, and it just didn’t have the same effect.

Dierks Bentley: Those of you who don’t listen to country are like, “WHO?!”, and it’s true that Dierks never grew his hair out to extensive lengths, but it was to my great despair that he cut all his cherubic curls off and now looks like a shorn sheep.

Justin Timberlake: Ok, I just added him because his ‘fro was pretty awesome. He’s never had any effect whatsoever on my lady parts.

Sean Connery: This one was a surprise, even to me, since Sean usually sports a Marine-like buzz- cut. However, I was watching The Rock the other day, and was amazed to find that his 700-hundred year old grey Highlander ‘do was doin’ it for me. Who knew?

I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. I’d even go so far to say that if Steve Buscemi grew out his mane, he would be in danger of a Sparkle Attack. I have named this the Samson Effect, for once their hair has been cut, men have no power over me.

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Former Studs and the Women Who Ruined Them


For some odd reason, while I was saucing and cheesing at working today, I began thinking of famous men who were completely wetty-inducing BEFORE they were savagely ruined by women. Here are a few examples:

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert: Blake first came to my attention when his first album came out. Although I had no clue what he looked like, his songs They played on the radio caught my interest, and I thought, “Hey. This guy could be a great songwriter.” Then when a little song called Nobody but Me hit the charts, I was a goner. I happened to see the video for it, and despite the fact the Blake sported a semi-mullet (which he graciously covered with a cowboy hat), I found him to be irresistable.

Then came Miranda. Sadly, I believe Miranda has been ruined by their relationship too, because before Blake, she sang good songs. Now- not so much. I believe Blake was the modern-day Samson, and when Miranda talked him into cutting his hair, I believe the stylist cut his talent away with it. Now Blake no longer sings about skinny dipping with hot girls; he only sings about how God gave him Miranda. And I am convinced the loss of his hair has made his eyes bug out of his head, because I can no longer watch him sing without getting creeped out.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: I realize that Tom was probably a bit over the edge long ago. (Thank you, Scientology) but you never saw him jumping on a couch or asking to eat his baby’s placenta BEFORE Katie, did you? I rest my case.

Tim McGraw and Faith Hill: Yet another country star lost to the evil wiles of a woman. Before Faith, Tim was HOT. I liked it, I loved it, and I definitely wanted more of it. I don’t know what it is about a man in a cowboy hat singing Don’t Take the Girl, but when he sings it now with the “fashionable” beret I’m sure Faith picked out, I want to change the words to “Please take the girl.” I bet he doesn’t even OWN a cowboy hat anymore. I suppose he is still sexy in a stylish, preppy-boy sort of way, but I like my men rugged.

Brad Pitt and Angelina: I hate to say it, because Angelina is my hero, but DAMN! The man has aged. Is it because he spends all his time worrying about Angie and her male co-stars and what they may be doing? (Just remember, Brad. Karma is watching) I’m sure having six kids to chase doesn’t help.  I miss the days of a shirtless Brad with flowing hair and women killing themselves because of their love for him. Now, those days are just legends of the fall.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore: I will admit, I never understood the allure of him in the first place, except for I found him to be very sweet and funny in Just Married. I no longer find him so. Perhaps if he showered once or twice this year, the fire would be re-kindled. Also, he is one of the only men who actually looks better with short hair…

Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson: I realize he was a slob long before Pamela, but then he was just acting like a Rockstar. And you never heard about his Hep C before her…

Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar: You are probably saying, “Who?!” My point exactly. The bitch is keeping him all to herself.

I could go on, but it just makes me sad. My fear is that if I marry my Rockstar, he will somehow magically become one of the Studs That Used to Be.

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