“Breaking Dawn”: A Review

In another life, I believe that I should have been a movie critic. My belief is only confirmed when, year after year, completely uninteresting movies are nominated for Oscars (the exception being Inglorious Bastards. That movie kicked ass.) Anyhoo, time for a review.

I may have mentioned once or twice the utter abhorrence for Stephanie Meyer writings, and I do not recall if I mentioned the loathing I have for movies with “Twilight” in the title. That in no way impedes me from having watched all the Twilight movies to date. Call me masochistic, but I for some reason cannot halt myself from wasting 2 hours of my life that I KNOW will be wasted each time another chapter of this ridiculous Pale Skin/Doggy-style/Lack of Personality love triangle unfolds on screen.

I am proud to say that I restrained myself from wasting my hard-earned $9 an hour at the theatre for this last one, and waited patiently for it to come to Red Box. My embarrassment at renting such a load of crap was kept to a bare minimum, since I ventured to Red Box in the dead of night after closing at work last night.

I must admit, while reading Breaking Dawn a few years ago, I couldn’t put it down. Simply for the fact that I couldn’t believe the storyline could get any worse than it had in the 3 previous books. How wrong I was. I honestly believe the book should be kept in the HUMOR section of any good bookstore, because there were many instances when I burst into uncontrollable laughter. But we are not talking about the book.

I awoke this morning a bit groggy, until I remembered that I had rented such a deliciously foolish film to waste my time with- then I was instantly awake. I served myself up a bowl of the finest Cinnamon Toast Crunch and hunkered down to rot my brain.

The beginning of the movie started off with ugly Bella Swan getting married to an equally ugly Edward Cullen. I forgot to check the credits, but I have no doubt in my mind that Stephanie Meyer contributed to the writing of the screenplay, because it was as badly written as the book. Perhaps some people have a horrific aversion to the idea of marriage, but I have yet to meet an 18 year old girl who is one of them. This being said, Kristen Stewart perfectly portrayed a teen with no personality dreading marriage. She showed no excitement whatsoever over the beautiful wedding provided her (way to marry into money, girl!) Edward, (I’m sorry, I refuse to use the boy who played him’s actual name) equally seemed unthrilled to be marrying such a douchey bride. (Understandably so) I am slightly disappointed in Taylor Laughtner’s performance- he was superb in the first two movies, but I believe the dread of being a part of such a horrendous series has leaked into his acting. (Or maybe he was just sucking so as not to offend the other stars with his superior acting)

Part of the reasoning I had in watching this movie is the promise of seeing vampire sex. As the movies are geared toward young adults, I understood that there wouldn’t be the hard-core ass pounding that there should have been. (Or that I wanted to see) However, I do believe after a century of living like a priest, ANY vampire would have a little bit more reaction than, “Oops, I cracked the bed frame and hit you with a feather pillow.” There should have been AT LEAST one “Fuck yeah! I’m gettin’ laid, baby!” (You are allowed to say “fuck” once in a PG-13 movie) All I can say is, Bella must have been REALLY frickin’ bad in bed to have Edward completely refuse her after breaking the sex seal. (Call me up, Bella. I’ll give you some pointers)

I had thought on occassion, that Kristen Stewart couldn’t really look any worse than she did. (I think it’s the constant look of constipation that gets to me) I was wrong once again.

The story goes that they do sex once and then she is pregnant with a demon baby that is eating her from the inside out. I must say that the computer editing they did to make Bella look skeletal was excellent, she indeed looked worse than she did before. There’s not really too much to say, since they stretched out a book where not much happened into two movies where the same amount of nothing happened. There was alot of “Kill the fetus!” and “I’m keeping my baby!” and “Damn you, Edward! Everything is your fault! If she was with me we’d be having hot dog sex right now.” That is, until the baby was born- then it was, “Damn! That baby’s hot! I’m going to marry her one day!” (The werewolf imprinted on the baby. Don’t even get me started. Just read the book if you want to be greatly disturbed.)

Since it’s been awhile since I read the book, I didn’t recall exactly what went down after the gruesome labor scene (Kudos, Stephanie, you should really write horror), but I knew it was something like Bella almost died, blah, blah, blah.

Just when I was getting thrilled at the possibility that they killed Bella off for good, she opened her damn red eyes.

 

Suckage Part 2: “Breaking Dawn” or Breaking Down?

On to part 2… Sorry, I may drag this out.

I have readily admitted that I failed to read Twilight in it’s entirety. Now will ashamedly admit that I DID read the rest of the series. I  will tell you why. Because I work in a bookstore, and so I feel that it is my job to keep abreast of the popular literature of the day. Too bad for me. That is not to say that I wasn’t entertained by Bella’s adventures in the last 3 books; actually, quite the contrary. But it wasn’t because I was drawn into the heart-wrenching love story, or the “epic” (there’s that word again) battles, or even the werewolves. No, no. It was because as the series went on, it got only more and more ridiculous, and by the end of Breaking Dawn (the 4th book) I was laughing my fool head off. (out loud)

There is not really much to say about New Moon, other than “Way to go again, Stephanie! You once again made every pre-teen girl want a debilitating relationship with a sparkly vampire.” Edward leaves Bella because he is afraid for her safety, which sends Bella into a depressive state for 4 months. Great inspirational reading for today’s kids. Don’t worry. He comes back. (I personally think he came back because what dude who hasn’t had sex in 100 yrs could stay away from a horny girl who throws herself at him?)

LALALA. I don’t really remember much about Eclipse either, except that in order to get Edward to agree to turn her into a vampire, Bella unenthusiastically agrees to marry him. I really think she didn’t want to say yes because then she wouldn’t have had a hot werewolf bugging her all the time. Points for Stephanie Meyer- she got me to wanna see what happens in the last book.

Breaking Dawn. I don’t even know how to begin.  I believe Stephanie Meyer thought that exact same thing when she sat down to write this poppycock. It begins with Bella and Edward getting married and going to stay on their own personal island for their honeymoon. They do it, (finally!) and then I have decided that Bella must have sucked (not literally) in bed, because Edward’s like, “Umm, no. We are NOT doing that again.” He gives the excuse that his rock hard…. abs and other assorted muscles left too many bruises on her, so he makes her do other fun stuff that you are supposed to do on an island. 3 or 4 weeks later, (sorry, it’s been a long time since I read it) Bella realizes, “Damn! I haven’t been on the rag for awhile, I must be pregnant!” then “AGH! My baby is growing at an extremely accelerated pace and ripping my guts out!” So they go back home to the family doctor, (yes, that was a pun) and Edward, like the normal prick he is, becomes completely unsupportive and tries to get Bella to abort. During this time, Jacob the werewolf is back and he feels compelled to stay by Bella’s side at all times. So in less than a month, Bella ejaculates this perfect baby and dies. (Hallelujah!) But no. Stephanie couldn’t have just been smart and left her dead. She made Edward turn her into a vampire. The coolest, slickest vampire that ever lived. (or didn’t live, if you wanna be technical) By the way, she still has no personality. And in the time that it took her to turn, Jacob fell in love with her baby. Yeah. I’ll repeat it. Jacob, who is 17, is “in love” with the baby. WTF?!How did the only character who had a personality in the book end up being a pedifile?! They blame it on this thing called imprinting, which I think Stephanie just threw in there to keep Bella from looking like a major cunt because she didn’t have the balls to tell Jacob to go away. Anyway, the only thing I can think of is that Stephanie Meyer did some acid, or smoked some really good weed before she figured out what she was going to name the baby. She named it Renesmee. Say it out loud. You will laugh too. It’s supposed to be Bella’s mom’s name intigrated with Edward’s mom’s name. It just ends up sounding like Bella was drunk. Anyway, the kid grows up to be a three-year-old just like that, and there’s almost another “epic” battle, (that doesn’t matter) and everyone lives happily ever after.  I read through this book so hastily, waiting to see how it progressed, and I was not disappointed. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any stupider, it did. I was so wildly entertained that I told everyone I worked with about the “worst book I had ever read.”

I’m sorry I didn’t post something more interesting, but I gots lots to do today at work. Be happy! XOXO