I was wasting time and money the other day by deciding I needed to buy more books, so I took a trip to Goodwill. As soon as I passed through the doors, I aimed myself at their newly-remodeled bathrooms because I had to pee like a racehorse. (Don’t worry, this is more about my thoughts, and less about my bodily function, I promise.)
After ensuring that the dear Goodwill employees were keeping this bathroom “clean for my convenience”, I dropped traugh (didn’t spell that right) and waited for the inevitable to happen. I was just noticing the lack of soothing elevator music that sometimes invades one’s ears at such establishments, when as soon as I started peeing, said music began to play. I nearly fell off my comfortable ass-shaped seat in surprise. I couldn’t help but wonder if at last I had discovered it, the holy grail of superpowers, the epitome of human supremacy!!!- musical urination.
Yes, I realize the more correct assumption would be that one song on Goodwill’s shitty Muzak account had ended and another began, but let me dream, dammit.
What’s so great about pee that sings, you ask? Why would I be excited that the discharging of my bodily wastes might invoke melodious tunes? Just think about it!
You could just be going along in your hum-drum day at work, “la dee da”, and decide to venture off to the bathroom just to waste a couple minutes of your minimum-wage paid time. Perhaps you are tired of listening to Taylor Swift durdling on about being 22, or wishing Rihanna would just go away as she asks you to Stay. But just conceptualize for a moment if, as you sat down (or conveniently stood, men) and you began to do your business, if maybe Rihanna and the blonde twit were drown out by say, Semi-Precious Weapons shouting “Can’t pay my rent, but I’m fucking gorgeous!” or perhaps John Mayer talking about “waiting for the world to change”. (Forgive me, I haven’t quite got a handle on exactly how changing the station on your musical pee works- I figure it has something to do with your mood- like Mood Pee). Wouldn’t your day be just a little bit better after a musical trip to the john?
Too, no longer would “breaking the seal” during a drinking binge be considered a bad thing. If you didn’t like the music being played at the party, why not go pee? You have to go anyway. Maybe it could be a great new party game! “Name That Potty Tune” or something. The question is, would the song begin where it left off, or would a new one just begin?
It could even be considered a crime-fighting act. Stop that man that’s robbing that old woman’s purse by shouting, “Stop or I’ll pee!” It is assured he would not consider this a threat, but don’t you think he’d stop if you just dropped your pants right there and the tunes started? At least long enough for you to throw a rock at his head and knock the motherfucker out.
Anyhoo, I think I’ve explained sufficiently the great power that would come along with musical urination. Unfortunately, after I left Goodwill in a rush to see if my new superpower would work at Kohl’s, I was greatly disappointed to see it had been short-lived. Perchance it only works when you REALLY have to go.