Things I’m Thankful For

Since this is kind of a jacked- up Thanksgiving, (I’ll post about that after I eat pizza) this will be a little harder than I thought.

Music- because without it the voices in my head would be confusing me. Instead, they sing, and that’s not so bad.

My Rockstar- because without him, I would never have understood the term “Making love”, and he cleans off my car when it snows, which no one has ever done for me before.

My Rockstar’s Daughter- because without her, I would never know what it’s like to be an evil stepmother. The one in Cinderella is really misunderstood…

Candy- because without it, I would never come close to orgasm because of food.

My Readers- because without you, I would just be some 30 yr-old writing a diary, and that’s kinda pathetic.

Shoes- because without them, my outfits would never look as good as they do.

God- because without Him, I would have killed myself years ago; now I realize He just likes to fuck with me, and it keeps my life… interesting.

Church- because without it, I would never get to hear, “We LOVE your music! Thank you so much!” Also, I get my fill of hugs for the week in less than an hour.

Work- because without is, I could never afford shoes. And it’s good to be useful sometimes.

Books- Because without them, I would really be so much dumber.

Chris Meloni- because without him, I wouldn’t have a celebrity crush other than Angelina, and Chris is really aging so much more gracefully.

My Square-haloed People- I will give an explanation. My pastor described square- haloed people as angels on earth. They are the people that make me feel that I’m worth knowing.

OK, I guess that’s all for now. I loves you all and have a great holiday, my fellow Americans.

November the 1st

Happy November, my Lovelys! I have decided that this day shall hereafter be proclaimed a worldwide Sparklebumps holiday, along with the day after Thanksgiving, the Saturday before Halloween, and my birthday. Today shall be called Half-Off Candy Day. Yes, I no longer shall feel bitter about the diminutive bowl of candy that my Rockstar nefariously stole from me, AFTER I stole it from his work party, because I have just come from the Aisles of Target, where all Halloween candy has been marked down for my convenience.

I was going to attempt a trip to Walmart, since their Aisle of Candy dwarfs any other retail store’s, but I was not fully prepared to have my eyes assaulted by Walmartians today. So off to Target I went, where customers of every ilk were zooming the Halloween aisles, preparing for next year’s Monster Bashes. I weasled my way through carts with squalling babes, and old women sorting through the pumpkin-shaped cookie cutters, to procure exactly 7 bags of the best and most saliva-inducing treats. I realized that I should have gotten a cart, or at least one of those annoying little basket things that weigh a ton after you have placed one item in them.

I was slightly flustered by the Halloween Edition Barbie that my eyes beheld, as the box she was in proclaimed “HALLOWEEN TREAT! BARBIE”. I looked closer and saw no candy included with Barb; the only “treat” I could almost see was the one that was beneath her disturbingly short puff skirt- this is a time when I am gladdened that Barbie is not quite anatomically correct. However, I feel that they should have placed Barbie’s treat in the Man Aisle, because any woman who would buy for her kid a Barbie that was dressed to turn tricks should be shot.

Anyhoo, as I made my way to the front of the store, with my arms laden down with my sugary loot, I noticed people staring. I’m not sure if it was my greasy hair that I didn’t have time to wash before going to town, or the fact that I was carrying enough candy to feed Australia. But I raised my chin up in an act of defiance at their judgemental stares, and proceeded to the checkout, where I received the same look from the girl behind the counter. I said, “What? I like candy. And this is just enough for me. If I had to share, there would be more.”

P.S. My Rockstar has let me know that he does not wish to know the amount of candy I bought.

A Seditious Act

Today, My Lovelys, I must reveal to you the atrocious misdeed that was committed against me. I woke up the morning and my mammoth bowl of candy was GONE. (To know of which mammoth bowl of candy I speak of, refer to the P.S. in my previous post “Party or Bust”.

My Rockstar had the gall to return this colossal basin of candy to his work, and now I am left candy-less. I will explain to you why I feel so bamboozled, and why things can never be the same between us.

To begin, I must state that candy is at the top of my food pyramid. Nevermind if I am remiss in eating the other 9 food groups- if I have candy, I shall not be hungry, or short of energy. I believe my metabolism is completely screwed up and I remain non-obese because I have made it a habit in my life of eating a bag of candy in one sitting on occasion. While this is probably not the most beneficial for my health, I am neither diabetic, or lard-assed and I have all my teeth, so I do not believe taking nourishment from copious amounts of candy sporadically is harmful. My Rockstar does not agree.

Last night, I was enjoying a lovely supper of mini Twix and bite-size Snickrs, when my Rockstar stated, “I should really take all that candy into work so you don’t eat it all.”

This irked me, because although he has never hinted or come out and said that I’m fat, I know that he is worried about weight issues in general, and I believe that was what he was getting at. I told him if he was implying that I would get fat from eating all that candy, I could also imply that beer is not exactly great for HIS physique either, but that I would never do that because it isn’t nice and he is the boss of his body. (except for when I’m on top.)

He then asked me if I had never told my ex-hubby he was fat (he was 270 lbs.) I told him no, my ex’s weight had never been an issue to me, and the only time I mentioned it was when HE himself complained about it, and then I only suggested ways in which he could help himself. Anyhoo, this is not my point.

In the past while, I have had to forego my ocassional snarfing of candy, because I have been putting my candy money toward healthful groceries for my Rockstar and his Daughter. I want to take care of them, but shame on him for not allowing me MY treats when I took the initiative to steal them from a drunken party.

Secondly, I have never and WOULD NEVER tell him what he should or shouldn’t eat. He is his own person, an adult, and I am not his mom. If he want to kill himself on beer and cheese, who am I to stop him? So I resent the fact that he hasn’t the respect to do the same.

In my defense, in my drunken stupor, when I found that bowl of candy in the first place, not one person had eaten out of it. The party was almost over at that point, and it would have been a terrible shame to let it all go to waste. Other guests at the party saw me taking it and didn’t say anything, and I DID offer some to anyone I came across on my way to deposit it in the car. Now, it sits at my Rockstar’s workplace, where the only person who will be eating it is the man my Rockstar has described as a human Hoover. I am convinced I need it more than HE does.

I will not let this treachery go unpunished. Justice will not be served until my Rockstar buys me a 20 lb. bag of candy and he receives in the least a sound lashing. And the next time he buys a case of beer, I’m going to bring it to work with me and see how HE likes it.

P.S. I guess the next time I rob a bank, I won’t be telling him about it, or he’ll probably feel the need to bring a bag of cash to work and give it away…