Drinking With Zombies

I began my morning a little flustered, as I was scheduled to take a Minnesota Food Safety Test, and I couldn’t decide whether a satin mid-thigh skirt was appropriate for the occassion or not. I settled instead on a ruffled lacy skirt and my new ruffly boots. (Yes, I realize that my outfit has naught to do with the results of my test, but it’s always beneficial to feel good about your clothing choices.) I chose rightly, since when I arrived at my destination, the test administer lady commented on my “adorable” outfit. The day is also beautifully springy, so it has only made the hours even more enjoyable.

After aceing my test (it is hoped), I ventured to the mall intent on spending my hard earned moneys, (even though I seem to remember posting something about NOT doing that exact thing last week). Instead of buying beautiful purply shoes to replace my well-worn ones, I purchased a bag of shrimp to make shrimp scampi for my Beloved tonight (because the fried shrimp he made last night was NOT tastefully delicious) and then I strode into Game Stop, thinking that my day would be complete if I learned from The Michael Jackson Experience the correct way to properly grab my crotch and thrust my hips. Instead, my eyes rested upon Resident Evil 5, and since Resident Evil is my all time favorite video game for any gaming console, I instantly bought it.

No longer intent on spending money, as I had a new distraction to waste my time on, I left the mall after walking by my former bookstore and snarling through the window at my former manager. Conveniently placed across the street is a giant liquor warehouse. “What a grand idea, ” I thought. And so I marched on over in my ruffled boots, only to be surprised at the multitude of old ladies crowded around the wine booth for the epic wine sale that was going on.

I rolled my eyes while thinking, “Wine is for pussies,” and proceeded to the whiskey aisle. There, I found myself among my boys- Jim, Jack, and Evan Williams. Evan decided to come home with me, as did Captain Morgan and his peachy Parrot. And no liquor store visit would be complete without purchasing a lighter with a gorgeous picture of Marylin Monroe. (No, I do not smoke, but I DO like to play with fire on occassion.)

So, I am fully armed for Drunk Monday. As I do not work at all, now seems an appropriate time to start drinking. I have informed my Rockstar that by the time he gets home from work, the rum will be drank and the zombies annihalated. XOXO

 

A True Friend

A friend will tell you you are beautiful even if you look like shit because you drank a bottle of Captain and threw up all down the front of your sparkly shirt.

A friend will say, “How was it?” not “Shame on you!” when you tell her you screwed the maintanance guy from work when you were still married.

A friend will not brag about how great her guy is when you tell her yours is sucking.

A friend will hug you and say “Everything will be ok” when you’re crying on the floor of your empty apartment after you’re left your husband and are wondering if you did the right thing.

A friend will say, “You’re a dork,” but sing along anyway when I’ll Never Break Your Heart by the Backstreet Boys comes on the radio.

A friend will tell you truthfully, “You sucked,” afteer you get done singing Proud Mary at karaoke. (For the record, that song is really tough to sing…)

A friend will go to a concert with you when you invite them- even if it IS Celtic Woamn you’re going to see.

A friend will think of you once or twice when she’s in Vegas with her boyfriend, and bring home those complimentary shampoos and lotions the hotel gives for you because they are pink, and you like pink. (I love you, Delightful!)

A friend will tell you you’re worth marrying, even if your Rockstar boyfriend doesn’t think so.

A friend will not judge you if you wear turquoise lame’ leggings because they are shiny and make you happy.

A friend will let you veg out on her couch and not make you talk if you don’t wanna.

A friend will not gawk at you and think inwardly, “What a piggy” when you inhale a large pizza in under 15 minutes.

A friend will tell you you’d make a great mom, even though you are telling her how you are on the edge of strangling your almost-step daughter.

A friend will tell you you look amazing naked, even though you don’t.