Tag Archives: Chris Meloni

I’m Glad You’re Not Dead Yet, Chris Meloni


Dear Hottest Chris,

I’ve been searching for the perfect way to wish you a happy Entrance Into the World Day.

Since you entered this world in only the skin of your beautiful self, it seems only right that you spend your Day of Birth in exactly the same state.

That being said, I would be more than willing to come to you if you are at all uncomfortable travelling in the nude. I need only be invited.

Firstly, I would like to present to you this bottle of Jack Daniels as a birthday gift. Of course I haven’t slipped in a whole supply of Mickeys so that you will be rendered unconscious and I can ravage your naked body with no resistance. How silly of you even to think that I would do such a thing. Too, I have included a very cliche’ red rose as a symbol of my passionate feelings for you.

Secondly, I would like to present the cake I shall be jumping out of. In honor of your special day, I have decided to arrive in said cake in the exact amount of clothes you shall be sporting. Plus heels.

I was thinking, after I have jumped out of your specially-designed giant cake, you would maybe like to receive a full body massage with edible massage oils. I would make certain to include the special Triple-D massage technique wherever it is requested. After all of your hard places have been rubbed soft, (heehee) I would be more than willing to lick your deliciously-muscled bod clean of any wayward flavored oils.

As I’m quite sure you will be sleepy by this time, (because of the massage, NOT because of any Mickeys I haven’t slipped into your drink) I feel it would only be fair for me to allow you time on your day to lay down and take a nap. Therefore, I would make sure that you are positioned nicely in your bed before you pass out fall asleep.

While you are passed out resting, I would only do things to you that you would allow me to do while you were awake, like: nibbling your nipples, rubbing your feet, stroking your manhood, giving you a head massage, and massaging your hands with my boobs.

After your birthday nap of ten or 12 hours, I would be more than willing to stay in your home as a French maid; I promise you shall be amazed at my dominatrix   cleaning skills.

That being said, I would like to point out that I am daily amazed that at your age of fifty-one, you still have the ability to make my panties wet just by scowling.

Love,

Sparklebumps

5 Comments

Filed under Entertainment, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

Random Thoughts on Celebrities


Do you think Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman actually ever did It? After all, she is a foot taller than him…is it even possible?

Disney makes child actors grow into booby/panty- flashing adults. Britney, Lindsey, and Anne Hathaway are just a few examples.

Am I the only one who thinks Demi Moore looked better with a shaved head?

I totally understand why Uma Thurman divorced Ethan Hawke. He seems like a complete pussy, even when he’s playing a bad ass.

Audrey Hepburn and Jimmy Stewart should have made a movie together.

Do you think Angelina ever looks at Brad and thinks, “Gee, he’s just not as hot as Billy Bob.” ?

I believe Charlize Theron would still be stunning if she were completely bald.

Pierce Brosnan is not as pretty as he thinks he is.

I don’t care if every man ever thinks she’s hot- Megan Fox has fucked-up thumbs.

Would American Pie still have been a hit if they has used a meatloaf instead?

Ryan Phillipe fucked up.

Do actors ever get turned on when they are filming sex scenes?

What happened to Harrison Ford?

I would love to hang out with Quentin Tarantino. He is delightfully disturbed.

It’s fun to say Keanu Reeve’s first name three times fast.

I would like to wash my skivvies on Ryan Reynolds abs.

I wonder if Al Pacino suffer from Short Man Syndrome?

I think Taylor Swift is actually a Russian Spy intent on taking the world over.

I wonder if Chris Meloni would be flattered or terrified if he knew about me…

 

4 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Sex, Uncategorized

A Search Term Story


Instead of dragging you all down with my normal sarcastic responses to the fucked up search terms that bring people my way, I’ve decided to insert them all into a delightful tale that is sure to entertain you all for generations. The search terms will be capitalized and in bold print, so that you will know what my creative mind had to work with. Enjoy! XOXO

Once upon a time, there was a Rockstar who FELL IN LOVE WITH A HISTRIONIC NYMPHO named Sparklebumps. She caught his attention one day when she walked by him on the street and said, “LOOK AT MY FAT ASS!”

He didn’t know how to respond, except to say, “It doesn’t look like PRINCESS LEIA’S ASS IN THE GOLD BIKINI.

Sparklebumps snorted and said, “Well, you don’t have a CHRIS MELONI BUTT either.”

The Rockstar shrugged and said, “No, but I have a HISTIONIC PENIS that needs alot of attention.”

That was all Sparklebumps needed to hear. She grabbed his SUPERHERO BULGE and whispered sexily into his ear, “Are you ready for the ride of your life, you HORNY HAIRY ASS FUCK ?”

The Rockstar was so turned on by her dirty talk that he wanted to do her right that second, but she pushed him away and said, “Wait, wait! I NEVER WEAR EYESHADOW when I do men. I used to, but when I do, I magically turn into a superhero called BLUE EYESHADOW GIRL .” So she washed her makeup off.

Before they got down to business, Sparklebumps put her hand on the Rockstar’s chest to stop him and asked, “I’m not going to get REBECCA STAMOS X-MEN CROTCH from you, am I?”

Rockstar was confused. “What the heck is that?!”

“It’s the newest STD. Your cootch gets scaly and turns blue.”

The Rockstar waved nonchalantly. “Nah. I’ve only fucked SLUTS IN TRUCKS and they only have diseases like herpes and stuff.”

“Oh. Ok. then.” Sparklebumps the proceeded to administer her a speciality, a CHRIS MELONI BLOWJOB. (That’s a blowjob given with all the enthusiasm usually reserved for good ole’ Chris.)

The Rockstar screamed, “Oh! Oh my! Aaaaah!” when he blew his load, because he was trying to cover up the fact that he normally squealed when he came. Sparklebumps was surprised at his SUPERFICIAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS but she was so tired that she fell asleep immediately.

The next morning, the Rockstar woke her up and handed her a sparkly bag.

“What’s this?” Sparklebumps asked sleepily.

“Oh, I give all my WOMEN BITCHES MORNING AFTER GIFTBAGS. I do have to say though, your ass looked pretty damn good in them yoga pants, and you are frickin’ amazing in bed.”

Sparklebumps smiled.

EVERYONE CHECKS OUT MY ASS IN YOGA PANTS , but as far as amazing- I WAS TOLD I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK at the Bunny Ranch.”

“Well, I disagree. But anyhoo, do you wanna be in my band? It’s called LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER and we write IRANIAN RACIAL EPITHETS .”

“Yeah, man, I’ll be in your band!. I have a great idea for an album title. What do you think about ‘POKING EYES OUT: THE SOCKET DREAM ?’ We can put a phot of my tits on the cover and that would make perfect sense!”

“Awesome! We can sing about the WOMEN WE’VE FUCKED AND MUSTANGS and our lyrics will make people ask themselves, ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO A SLUT ?'”

So LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER hit #1 on the Billboard charts with their hit single, “TEAM DRIVER SUCKBUDDY ” and Sparklebumps mentored an all-girl band named the CHRIS MELONI SEVEN who opened for them on tour.

After making billions, Sparklebumps and her Rockstar bought a castle where they lived happily ever after, and the HISTRIONIC PENIS got more than enough attention.

THE END

 

11 Comments

Filed under Entertainment, Humor, Life, Love, music, Sex, Uncategorized

A Belated Valentine To Angelina


My Most Beautiful Angelina,

I realize this Valentine letter comes a day late. Forgive me. Let that in no way be a reflection of my deep and amourous feelings for you.

I am supposing that you are quite busy with your brood of multi-colored children at this point, as well as a less-than-tidily groomed Brad Pitt. I hear also that you have had adventures of directing as of late- I am sorry to say that I was unwilling to drive 100 miles to the nearest theatre that was exclusively showing  the fruits of your directorial debut. That too mustn’t be a reflection of the affection I harbor in my heart for you.

I was just wondering, if you could find the time in your busy amazing life, if you would consider being my Valentine? I would find it most exciting to sit next to you on my couch and perhaps hold your veiny man-like hand, even for a moment. If you prefer, I would be willing to cook you some Kraft macaroni-n-cheese while wearing heels and an apron. (Although that seems to have the opposite effect that I intend, so maybe we will forego that)

I have long found you breathtakingly beautiful. I would like to point out that I adored you long before the rest of the world- before the multiple marriages to the revolting Billy Bob and before the make-out incident with you brother made people believe you were nuts, (I believe you were just suffering from temporary insanity; either that or you acquired some REALLY GOOD drugs) I was there. I spent hours watching your movies Hackers and Playing By Heart, though I must admit that I couldn’t make it the entire length of your clearly mis-chosen Cyborg 2. Also, your portrayal of Gia was heartbreaking and stellar- despite the fact that I was slightly disturbed that they had such an unattractive blonde playing your girlfriend.

I admire you greatly for all the work you do in countries that you are not from. Also, what a great influence you have been on Brad. (Regardless of the influence you’ve been on his looks.) I have no doubt that if he was still with Jennifer, they would be floating around Hollywood in their own self-absorbed bubble. Instead, you have gotten Brad to think of someone other than his formerly-beautiful self. For that, you deserve a kiss. I would be more than willing to administer said kiss, if you are unable to find a more worthy Kiss Donor.

Despite the fact that in recent years you have become increasingly gaunt, I still find you attractive. For some reason, the men in Minnesota seem to find you scary and unalluring- which I find strange considering the fact that men in Hollywood OBVIOUSLY find you as appealing as I do. The fact that you portrayed my favorite gaming heroine Lara Croft may have a little something to do with my fixation for you.

I well understand your need for  numerous children, as I have had the same need for many years. Sadly, I have not yet reached Sexual Icon Status as you have, so I lack the funds to provide the proper number of nannies required for such a family. Perhaps you could just share yours? I don’t see why another mom for your children wouldn’t be an idea you would relish. The more the merrier, right?

It is my greatest wish, (aside from giving Chris Meloni a booby squish and maybe more) to have you as my Valentine this year.  If you would be willing to let go of Brad for the day, (or forever) I would gladly take his place. (And look better doing it)

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

11 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

Sparklebutt


Woo! I finally got an award I’m completely thrilled about writing about! H.E. has bestowed upon me the Glitter E. Yaynus Award! ‘Cause my ass fuckin’ glitters, or some awesome shit like that.

I have heard this award is bestowed upon people who write about themselves entirely too much. I admit that I am one of those people, because, honestly- what better thing is there to write about? You know you agree.

So. Here are the rules about this incredible butt award:

Tell people at least five things you do that would make them want to kill you, or at the very least, make them hate you for the rest of their lives.

Honestly, I didn’t really think there was any reason for people to want to kill me, but the more I thought of it, the more reason I came up with…

1. I don’t gossip (much), which pisses the People Who Gossip Off. When individuals come to me and start gossiping about a certain person they can’t stand, intent on listening to me agree with them, I just listen and then shrug. I then receive a glare from the narrowed eyes of the Gossip Person.

2. (I hate me for this one) If I have a cold, or am crying and snotting everywhere, instead of using a tissue like a normal person would, I use the end of my sleeve. Which is why I try desperately to mostly wear short sleeves- then I am forced to go get a damn Kleenex already.

3. I tweeze those little obnoxious hairs that sprout occassionally on my chin when I’m driving. (Yes, I am amazingly beautiful and all that, but you know, everyone has SOME ugly thing about them.) I maintain that I am an excellent driver that never swerves because she is executing grooming habits while driving.

4. I talk about myself alot. I’m not really sure why this would piss people off, because after all, it IS all about me, but there are always a few haters…

5. It’s all about me. The only people who want to kill me because of this are the people who want it to be all about THEM.

The next thing you have to do according to the rules is this: Blindfold yourself and walk out into traffic on the freeway.

I think one of those people who want it to be all about THEM made this rule, so I have no intention of giving them the satisfaction of getting myself smushed by a trucker named Bucky.

The third thing I am supposed to do is pick out five things that I would stick up my ass if I was forced to.

There are just so many things to choose from; how can I just pick five?!

1. Cocaine or other assorted drugs: No, I do not do narcotics, however, I hear your ass is the place you should stick ’em if you are ever travelling to a foreign country, or want  an addict digging around in your butt.

2. Anal beads: Because, you know, that’s where they’re supposed to go.

3. Beer: Because it would be funny to offer to a thirsty man a beverage that has come from my ass. (Would a man ever turn down free beer, I wonder?)

4. Candy: Because I need to maintain my sugar levels. I was going to say French Fries here, but I don’t know exactly how that would work, and the more I tried to figure it out, the more I thought, “That’s just gross.”

5. Chris Meloni’s Boner: In all honesty, no one would FORCE me to do this. I believe I AND he would find great pleasure in having this occur. My ass is ready at any time to have Chris’s Man Part shoved up it. Chris? Are you paying attention?

I am also supposed to pick 5 bloggers who I think would also like to shove things up their ass and blog about it.

This award has been handed out to many of the individuals I thought of first, so I will try to go with the ones that haven’t received it yet.

Delightfulness: I wouldn’t be a true friend if I didn’t share an ass award with you, now would I?

Brainrants: I know you secretly want to talk about shoving things up your ass. Here’s your chance. You’re welcome.

John: Because I think that you would find this award amusing.

Kana: You’re an awesome lady, Lady. Happy assing! XOXO

Breezy K: From what I’ve experienced, Canadians like to shove things up their ass. Is it because you’re kinda French up there?

 

 

13 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

A Farewell to Elliot Stabler’s Arms


My dearest Elliot, (and your Arms)

I was quite distraught to have it brought to my attention that you and your beautiful arms will no longer be starring on Law and Order SVU. I realize this letter may seem a bit belated, but I must admit that I’ve been remiss in my duty as a devoted SVU fan and have not been watching the show in recent months due to my own self-obsession.

I must tell you that my heart felt as if it had been crushed by a thousand elephant’s asses when my beloved friend Delightful informed me that you and your arms were done for after she began watching the show to better understand my obsession with your real life persona Chris Meloni. I felt faint, and had to rest my head on the make-table at work, (which was quite unsanitary, so I had to waste time re-sanitizing it. Thanks.) How can life ever be the same if I am no longer able to adore the Catholic tattoo that graces you uber-buff bicep? I will no longer be able to fantasize your upper appendages being wrapped around my naked body in a passionate embrace, or lifting me from a burning building.

I am bereaved at the fact that I will no longer be able to yell your arms through the TV, screaming, “Just squeeze Olivia already, dammit!” and the fact I will never have had the satifaction of seeing you and she crawling out of bed mostly naked after finally giving in to the sexual tension greatly perturbs me.

No longer shall my desire be whetted by watching marathons of  newer SVU episodes that I haven’t seen a million times. While Richard Belzer’s character Munch is somewhat sexy in a twisted, highly-intelligent old man sort of way, he does not hold a candle to you, Ell. (Or your arms)

My dream of one day playing a victim that you have saved, or maybe replacing Olivia as your partner is destroyed. Where am I to go from here? My life is in ruins and I am in the depths of despair.

While your real-life persona Chris Meloni may yet impassion me by starring in big-budget movies, (or True Blood, I hear) I feel that will never compare to the intimate relationship we’ve had for the past ten, Elliot’s Arms. How could you think of making such a career choice without consulting me? Do you not know how I pine for your beefiness? Do you not know of the fire that burns in my loins at the thought of your sinewy strength? My yoga pants are dewy just writing about it.

My only hope is that you (or the producers of SVU) will come to your senses, and you will yet again grace my T.V. screen on a weekly basis. I will be waiting, bereft and inconsolable, until that time comes, Elliot and Elliot’s Arms.

With all the desire in my 5’3″ frame,

A Heartbroken Sparklebumps

7 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

An Open Letter to Those Who Bring Happiness


Dear Maya Angelou- I appreciate you putting into poetry the words I so forcefully think in my head- “Life doesn’t frighten me, no not at all.” Even though there are times when life makes me want to crawl into a six foot hole dragging the dirt in after me. But nevermind about that.

Dear Lady Gaga- I greatly look up to you and your bizzare get-ups. I adore the fact that you don’t seem to care how scary you end up looking, and that you are still at the top of the charts while doing so. It will make it much easier for me to become famous now, because nobody will be looking at my style faux-pas; they will all be looking at you.

Dear my Incredible Auntie- When people say that we look exactly the same, I do not cringe, because I aspire to look like anyone who has fantastic kids like yours, has her own business that she enjoys immensely, and isn’t afraid to pray- “Dear Jesus, thank you for chow mein.”

Dear Audrey Hepburn- Thank you, thank you, thank you, for being beautiful and amazing and classy. You are proof that one or two failed marriages is not something to worry over, and proof that a “princess” is not just someone you can play in a movie. I am saddened that you are dead, because it would have been nice to meet you.

Dear Gramma- Despite the fact that you have grown increasingly blunt in recent years, I find it quite humorous when you truthfully tell me that my choice in hair color is “hideous.” I would like to inform you once again that as a child, my hair was blonde, and it never has, in fact, been beautifully natural black like you tell everyone it is. I think you are confusing me with my half-sister. Thank you for being always honest- even if it is in an Alzheimer’s patient kind of way.

Dear Prince (to clarify- the artist formerly known and once again known as)- I want to thank you for noticing that “all that glitters ain’t gold.” and for your funky falsetto, as it has greatly entertained me for many years. I find you to be immensely talented; however, I regret to inform you that though I would love to be a guest on one of your albums, I will not be asking you to produce my debut album. Your style is a little bit too messy for my taste. Kudos on the Under the Cherry Moon soundtrack though.

Dear H.E Ellis– Even though my Rockstar doesn’t find me worthy of marriage, I know you are out there ready to marry me whenever you turn lesbian. You are very good for my ego.  XOXO

Dear numerous candy-producing companies- Without you, I would have drifted through life without the benefit of sugar-induced energy. Thank you for providing me with Starburst, Butterfingers, Milky Ways, Laffy Taffy, Blow Pops (which also served me in my first attempts at learning how to give a blow job), 5th Avenues, etc…

Dear Jim Beam and Co.- Thank you for providing liquor strong enough to get my Rockstar jumping on the bed with his guitar. Also,  with your help, I found out he can sing just like Sinnead O’Connor. That was a little bit disturbing, but highly entertaining. It  gave me good fodder with which to tease him mercilessly.  You also induced the most amazing drunken sex I’ve ever had. Thank you again for that.

Dear Chris Meloni- Thank you for your beautiful scowl. And other beautiful parts of you.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

15 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Friendship, God, Humor, Life, Love, music, Uncategorized