Tag Archives: clothes

What If Those Last Five Pounds Are in my Bra?


The other day, I was vegging around being almost completely useless, when I decided to torture myself by browsing on the Victoria’s Secret website. For those of you who know me a bit better than those of you who don’t know me at all, you will understand  how this is a somewhat self-masochistic act. As I continue to pay off the $2800 I owe to dear Vicky, I have vowed not to spend a dime there until she is monetarily sated.  However, I am in desperate need of a Boulder Holder I can wear to work that is not falling apart and poking me with an exposed underwire.

As I clicked and clicked away on the website, I reminisced about the days when it seemed I had unlimited funds to spend on over-priced lingerie and  designer shoes. Did you ever notice how perfectly all the clothes fit on those models? I am convinced that just looking at Adriana Lima and that Alessandra chic convinces women everywhere that they are a size two. Luckily, though I am clearly NOT a size two, the jeans from Victoria’s Secret fit surprisingly well on me. And even though I’m certain I could find that booby-enhancing sweater in my hometown mall for a fraction of the price, there’s just something about seeing it on Douzan that makes me want to pay more for it.

While I am completely at home in my body, (after all, I DO have wonderful breasts to play with) I have made the decision that I could lose a few pounds. Sadly, the smell of French fries in the afternoon is enough to make me forget any such decisions. But as I fantasied about over-filling my virtual cart with designs worn by the most beautiful women in the world, I snapped out of it and said to myself, “No! No, Self! You don’t deserve any new clothes until you gracefully fit into all the cute ones you’ve never worn that hang in your closet!” And with a decisive finger, I clicked right on over to my unfinished novel, feeling only slightly powerful that I did not buy the clothes that I couldn’t afford.

The thought of losing weight is never far from my mind, but the thought of exercising is. When my Rockstar suggested last week that the reason for my chronic tiredness was lack of exercise, I calmly looked at him and retorted with, “But think how much MORE tired I’d be if I ran a mile or did situps!” Because of my chestly heritage, even if I DID lose some weight, the chances of my… ahem, upper portions fitting nicely into a size Medium sweater are slim to none. When doctors are weighing the heavy-chested, do they take into account that that extra 20 pounds they’re carrying around just might be in their bra?

Since I have no shortages of men lusting after me, it’s safe to say that I practically perfect at the size I am, but it IS frustrating when I go to try on clothes and nothing fits. So I will once again make a firm decision. I must learn to sew.

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Fashion Statement


I am composing this post to tell you all the truth…

For Women:

Skinny jeans do NOT, in fact, make you look skinny, unless you already are so. The truth is, if you possess any ass whatsoever, skinny jeans simply scream, “Look at this HUGE ass! We make it look even ginormouser by making these legs look smaller!” The only acceptable time to wear skinny jeans is when boots are paired with them.

Not everyone should wear a bikini. I realize that two-piece swimwear is all the rage, and has been so since the 60’s. However, unless you are vacationing in Mexico, (where a one-piece is the equivilant of advertising that you are a prude) I deem it perfectly acceptable to wear  unitard-inspired swimwear. I am speaking to those women buying the cutesy minute bikinis in a size 10 or larger. Just because they make ’em in that size does NOT make it ok to buy it.

Galoshes are made to wear in the rain. While I have, in the past, entertained the thought of pairing a set of patterned galoshes with a fluffy skirt and rock T-shirt, I have NOT actually done so. This may be due to the fact that, while sitting in the Denver airport, I witnessed a girl having done so. I also witnessed the reaction her choice of outfit provoked. Let me just point out- the reaction to Lady Gaga’s meat dress was very similiar.

See-thru leggings are to be worn with something over them. I (and I’m quite certain other people) do not wish to have the opportunity to discover if you’ve manicured your pussy lawn just by looking at you.

Fat people and stretchy pants- NO! Just no.

A fashion math problem: Cleavage – leg= Classy.  Leg – cleavage = Sexy. Leg + Cleavage = Skanky. One or the other, girls. Unless your trying to make some dough on a street corner.

While I encourage the wearage of sky-high heels, I do not condone wobbling around on them in public. Practice, practice, practice!

For the Men:

Flannel shirts are acceptable at specialized times, such as: when chopping wood; when ice-fishing and/or hunting; and when dressing as Paul Bunyan for Halloween. There is no such thing as a NICE flannel shirt, unles you are speaking of it’s quality in sub-zero weather.

It’s best to wear a belt when belt loops are present. If you’ve not noticed, unless you are Chris Meloni, you probably don’t have an ass to hold up your pants.

Baseball hats are also acceptable at specialized times, and should not be worn during church, at the dinner table, or because you are simply too lazy to comb your hair.

Holey and/or stained T-shirts are an unacceptable outfit choice for a first date- unless you AND your date are homeless.

While dress shirts are meant to be tucked in, I would like to point out that a man possessing a beer belly in a tucked in shirt STILL has a beer belly. I’m not quite certain how that looks less messy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Random Thought


I suppose I should wear a shirt today. It only took me two hours after I woke up to think this.

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