My book tells me to write the lyrics of a catchy jingle, for a plumbing service. I must obey.
When you wake up to find your bathroom covered in poo,
you cover your face and cry, “Oh, what shall I do?!”
No worries! Call No Shit Plumbing!
A leak in your pipes, worse than in Gramma’s pants?
One that causes the wife to scream ceaseless rants?
Don’t fret! Call No Shit Plumbing!
When the crap won’t go down,
when the drains are all clogging,
when your too busy to deal,
’cause your submissive needs flogging,
don’t get your panties in a bunch,
don’t untie your bitch,
just go out for lunch
and call No Shit Plumbing!
Yes, yes, we all know it was the most important day of the year yesterday- Superbowl Sunday. I must admit, the only reason I know it was was because I spent the entire day cracking the whip to ensure that every person who ordered pizza received it in enough time to properly digest before having to suffer through Beyoncé’s “entertainment”. Luckily (?), I made it home in enough time to see the much-talked-about Farmer commercial. (Which would have been soooo much better if it had been for Ford.) This got me wondering: can a person advertise herself?
When I thought about it, the only individuals I could come up with that may perhaps “advertise” themselves were prostitutes and escorts. (Unless you are counting all those people on dating sites) But then I got to thinking, “Why COULDN’T one advertise oneself?” I suppose normal boring people mightn’t have much to advertise, but what about all the awesome people? Isn’t advertising for general awesomeness allowed? After all, that’s all any commercial really does.
While I began this blog just to blurb about whatever it was I was thinking about, I cannot deny that every time I find I’ve acquired another follower, I do a little happy dance. (Which you all must know makes the girls jiggle.) And since I wish to be a famous author the likes of which have never been seen before, what better way to get the word out than to show up somewhere between the Ravens and the 49’ers?
(I realize I’d actually have to finish a book, but nevermind about that.)
Here’s what I was thinking:
The commercial would start out focusing on a fabulous pair of Swarovski-encrusted stilettos, and pan up to reveal a pair of sexily-muscled gams connected to the feet in the shoes. They are the legs of a uber-hot model, or perhaps a Salma Hayek-type. She sashays past a park bench with a dorky yet slightly adorable man sitting reading a book. Suddenly, she stops sashaying and does a double take- what is that he’s reading there?! Why, it’s a Sparklebumps book! Suddenly, the nerdy dude is amazingly sexy, and the hot woman cannot resist sitting down next to him and fawning desperately over him. Then the words pop up- “Only the sexiest people read Sparklebumps. Be one today! ” And then that guy with the movie preview voice starts talking: Her latest publication is in bookstores everywhere. Buy it today!
Yeah, now there’s a commercial for ya.
Geico’s got the gecko and the “weeeee!!!!!!!!” pig, why couldn’t I have a Salma Hayek?