Why I Really Just Don’t Care What You Think

I know, the title of my post sounds very rude. I certainly didn’t mean it to, but I have a serious case of the Fuck-its today, so too bad.

I’ve heard that a woman with confidence is something to behold. Men flock to them, and women want to be just like them. This second fact is the reason I would not necessarily consider myself a Confident Woman, because I am convinced only a completely insane person would wish to be just like me; however, I HAVE come up with a few reasons why I don’t completely suck, and why I really don’t give a fuck what people think. (But I still love you and think you’re all awesome! XOXO)

1. I know the definitions and correct spellings of such words as concubine, scintillate, and a plethora of other words many normal people don’t know, including plethora. I also know how to correctly pronounce oneiromancy.

2. I will dye my hair blonde, or red, or black, or orange, or pink, and just shrug when someone says it looks bad, because it keeps me from being bored with my otherwise normal-looking self. I also don’t mind resembling the Little Mermaid or Jessica Rabbit.

3. I can tell you who wrote Polonaise in A Major, when he wrote it, how he died, and if you wish, I can play it on the piano for you. Or I could play the theme song from Alice in Wonderland by Shinedown.

4. I can eat more than a family of four; therefore I do not waste food. Ever. Those starving people in Africa that your mother told you about? There’s nothing left for them when I get done.

5. I can work a 12, or 15, or 17 hour day and still give a shit what my place of business looks like when I leave it. But I am also not afraid to sit on my ass and do absolutely nothing and admit it when I have a day off.

6. I am the most stubborn person on the planet. Some of you may like to point out that this isn’t a good quality, but if we have a second Holocaust, or I am caught and tortured to give up the location of our nuclear weapons that could destroy the population, rest assured that the hidden Jews will be safe andhumanity  will live.

7. I can aim and shoot a gun, which doesn’t really do me any good unless a Zombie Apocolypse occurs.

8. If you are my friend, you will remain my friend, even if you are a complete Assface who treats me as a fair-weather friend and only call when you need something. However, chances are I may not answer your call the next time you need me to save you from a burning building.

9. I am not too hard on the eyes. I’m not saying I’m as pretty as Marilyn or Audrey, but I’m cuter than at least some women you know. And even if I think you’re more beautiful, I say to myself, “I’m cuter.” Even if it’s not true at all.

10. I can admit that I’m a complete dork, because I am also smarter than all those people who call me one. Including my Rockstar. (Don’t worry, he loves me because of my dorkdom.)

11. The final reason I just really don’t care what anyone think is because I can whoop their ass if they cock off. They just need to give me a reason. XOXO

Advice From My Inner Goddess

I gotta love her, because she’s where my confidence comes from, but hell, you’d be a little nuts too if you had to listen to this all day long…

Sparkle, you can write better erotica, or anything else for that matter, than anyone out there. So get off your ass and start writing already! You’re never going to get your castle if you just sit in your apartment eating french fries all day!

Yes, you can absolutely get away with wearing a short skirt even though you weigh 170 lbs, because your legs are perfectly toned from wearing your supply of shoes for hours upon hours.

You can absolutely cook anything you want to try cooking and it will turn out! (What she means is it will turn out EVENTUALLY. After I’ve tried and failed at least three times.)

Girrrrrl, you look fine in your slightly inappropriate church clothes, ’cause you got boobs! You got ’em, so flaunt ’em, baby!

Everyone loves you because you’re completely amazing and wonderful and there’s nobody else like you. Why the heck WOULDN’T everybody love you?! (I would like to point out that there’s nobody else like anybody else, so that does not exactly make me special.)

We must have been a hooker in a past life, because we are awesome in bed! You’re even good at the stuff you’ve never tried before!

Yes, all those people that you think are staring at you when you walk through the mall are, in fact, staring at you. Must I point out once again that you have boobs? Of course the’re gonna stare, quit being a weenie and suck it up.

How many times do I have to tell you- act like you look like Angelina or Salma Hayak and nobody will know what a self-conscious little ninny you are!

Even though he hasn’t mentioned marriage in ages, your Rockstar truly does want to marry you. You just have to convince him he does with your stellar blowjob abilities.

You can absolutely sing better than Taylor Swift! You just have too much other stuff on your plate, so you don’t have the time to steal all her awards out from under her.

French fries and coffee contribute perfectly to the maintainance of your sexy physique; sit-ups and excercise haven’t gotten you to where you are today. You should know this, bitch.

You have almost no friends because you are a mysterious enigma; it has nothing to do with the fact that you don’t ever call your friends.

Everyone finds you incredibly sexy, even that John guy in New Jersey. You have to realize not everyone is going to come right out and say it. (Sorry, John, she’s completely obnoxious and uncontrollable, isn’t she?)

Chris Meloni doesn’t know what he’s missing!