A Letter to a Modern-Day Adonis

Dear Charlie Hunnam,

As I have stated in my post title above, you, Charlie, are a modern-day Adonis, and so must be the recipient of my latest letter. Kudos to you.

It is true, you are best known as the tortured soul Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy, and while I have not been privy to much of your other work, I do believe the multitude of sex scenes with delectable ass shots in SOA may have had something to do with that. (It’s like two scoops of butter pecan ice cream…) I must admit, there are very few nude males that I would gladly torment my eyes with, (as I am very much a boob gal, and do so adore a good titty display) but you, kind sir, are welcome to remain naked in front of my vision indefinitely.

It is still a bit disturbing to me that you hale from Newcastle upon Tyne. As well-read as I am, I had no idea what the fuck that meant, but investigated enough to find that it was somewhere in England. Cheeri-o, mate! I actually hope to never hear your original accent, which I assume is British, because you seem to be so down-to-earth and not at all pompous as generally English people tend to be. However, if you ever decide you wish to share your man-meat with me in a carnal fashion, I will allow you to adopt whatever foreign crappy accent you deem appropriate. Just know that I am not quite certain what my reaction may be if I hear, “Tha’ wus fookin’ gright, love.” after we’ve spent ourselves. I may be forced to shut you up by sitting on your not-quite-shaven face.

You may be delighted to know, too, that even my very straight Rockstar has taken notice of your perfectly-sculpted physique. He does not blame you in the least for incessantly posting shirtless pictures of yourself on your official Facebook page. “After working out like hell to look like that, can you blame him?” were his exact words. I think you may just have a chance with him…

I seem to recall having watched a little-known movie a few years back starring you, in which, I’m sure, you were superb. Sadly, I do not recall you being naked, and so it was not noteworthy. Do not get me wrong, oh Gorgeous One- you need not be bare-assed for me to adore you. I can prove it is true by saying I’ve had two dreams in which you starred, neither of which you were nude in. (Sadly.) I must ask: why weren’t you naked in my dreams? I mean, for real. What the fuck?!

I do not think you are aware of my ….fetish for long-haired men. Let me only say that when your hair is of a shorter ilk, I would not so readily do you. But, if you were there lying naked in my bed, I suppose I could lower my standards a tad so as not to waste a good boner.

I applaud you for turning down the role of Christian Grey in the movie version of Fifty Shades. As beautiful as you are, not even you could have saved it from sucking balls. Although, if you had retained the role, I would have, of course, rushed out to buy the DVD no matter how terrible the film was, if only to see you shirtless and spanking someone. Do not be discouraged. I will write for you a well-written smutty book that can be turned into the biggest blockbuster of all time.

In closing, I would like to say that you, Charlie Hunnam, have almost cured me of my insane love for Christopher Meloni; I haven’t dreamed of him since you came into the picture.

Always yours, (even if it is only in my dreams)

Sparklebumps XOXO

 

June 18th, 1994

Today we went to the grocery store to get stuff for the party tonight. Travis had Cory over, and they were there. Cory saw me, and said, “What are you doing here.” and I said, “What do you think?” and Travis said, “could you talk any quieter?” and I said, “If I tried.” Boring! Oh, well, maybe next time. Cory’s sorta cute, but if he asked me to go with him, I don’t know what I’d do, because Kelly really likes him.
Haha. And I said, and he said, and then I said. Very important stuff, this.

June 17th, 1994

Then.

Kelly spent the night last night. We went to Anne Lake to go swimming, but there were boys there, so we didn’t. When we got up to leave one of them asked if we were going to swim, and Kelly said, “Not with you,” and he said, “well, golly.” and shut his trap. So we went to Spec Lake. Mom rented Oklahoma today. It’s really stupid. But a girl in it got married. Sigh. Kelly said Travis (Kelly’s brother) was having Cory over and she was really happy. I sorta wish it was me, but I think I like Ethan more. I don’t know. I can’t wait till camp. We might take one of Janet’s or Angie’s bras and over to the boy’s part. It’ll be funny if we do.

June 11th and 12th, 1994

Last week, nineteen years ago.

I spent the night at Kelly’s last night, and I met Becca. She’s really nice. We went swimming in the Rum River today. We had fun. Then Mom and Dad came, picked me up, and we went to Kevin O’Connor’s (my second-cousin) open house. I saw Jesse (Kevin’s brother). He’s soooo cute. And when he talked, his voice was really deep. I told Kelly I’d ask Cory if he likes her.

June 12th.

We went to church and then went to Cornerstone (a newly begun church at the time). Cory wasn’t there! 😦 Oh, well. I got to stay home alone tonight. Mom said Kelly could come over one time this week. Kelly called me tonight and asked me if I would go to camp this year. I said I wanted to, and dad said I could. Yea. We can get tan, lose weight, get lots of candy, and meet cute boys! Awesome! Too bad Cory or Ethan aren’t going to be there. Oh well. We’ll still have fun.

As you note my plans for camp, you can see that I haven’t really changed since I was 12. Huh.

June 3, 1994

Yesterday.

School got out today! I’m so happy. We had graduation tonight, and it was so funny. Afterwards, we went in the gym for cake, and me and Kelly talked. She’s going to Janet’s slumber party tonight, and she’s going to put one of Janet’s bras in the freezer! I was looking at Andrea (a senior) and Hannah’s ( another senior) pictures, and Andrea got her picture taken with Kevin (her boyfriend), and Hannah got her picture taken with David. I wish my picture taken with Ethan or Cory. Sigh. Maybe next year. Summer’s here!

The Diary of Sparklebumps- June 1st, 1994

What came before..

We had the school picnic today. I got pop all over Ethan. I hope he’s not mad at me! We had jumping contests, and I skinned my knees. I’m trying to go on a mile walk every day. I’m really fat. And I want to get tan too. Maybe I will. I wish Ethan would ask me. (out) But I doubt he will now.

The Diary of Sparklebumps- May 28th, 1994

I came across one of my old diaries yesterday when I was going through my endless boxes of mementos. It started a few months before I turned thirteen, and it’s frickin’ hilarious, so I have to share. I’ve changed the names, but anybody who actually knew me then would know exactly who’s who. This will be a little mini-series on my blog, because I was surprised how long I actually kept writing in it. (Almost 5 whole months!) It’s pretty sad that I was as boy-crazy as I was at that age. I included notes so you understand what the hell I’m talking about. Enjoy!

Dustin and Sandy (my best friend’s at the time brother) got married today. There were so many candles! Kelly (best friend) got to light a bunch of candles, but they wouldn’t stay lit. The bridesmaid’s dresses were peach. The Kellers (a fellow church family)  were there, and I think Jeff’s (their son) kinda cute. He’s not as cute as Cory (a boy I had a crush on) or Ethan (another boy I had a crush on) , though. I remember a long time ago when I brought my Caity (an old friend) to church a few times. We used to stare at him during the whole service. She said he had “cute little dimples.” It was so funny. Only one more week of school! I can’t wait! Next year I’ll be in Ethan’s class. I think Kelly likes him, but she likes Cory more. She thinks he’s going to ask her. Well, I guess we will find out!