My Dearest David Tutera,
It is confounding to me that up until a month ago, I was unaware of your fabulous existance. My friend Delightful was unendingly rambling on about your expertise and general amazingness as the famed wedding planner on your show My Fair Wedding, and I foolishly brushed off her suggestion that I watch your show at first. It was not until I was completely bored that I decided to check out your show on Netflix, and at that very point in time, my life was changed forever.
I am desperately in love with you, and cannot imagine life without you. I cannot eat, and I cannot sleep, because I am so obsessed with watching all the beautiful weddings you’ve created unfold on my TV screen. My blogging has suffered because of you- for I would rather watch you create amazing experiences for beautiful (and sometimes not so beautiful) brides, than to concentrate on writing something entertaining. You would think that the lack of my pursuit of fame would make me despondant; but no, it matters not, because I have wasted many hours of my life admiring your reality TV persona.
I must admit, my heart was crushed when I looked you up on the Wikipedia and my suspicions were confirmed that you are, in fact, gay, and in a relationship. What a lucky lucky man you have in your grasp. While the relationship between you and I could never be one of tradition, I would gladly be your female beard if you ever fancied to take one.
While most women would watch your show and fantasize about you planning their wedding, I do not do so. It seems my opinion of weddings and marriage have been slightly marred because of past experiences. Instead, I dream of planning weddings with you, or at least being your chauffuer, or some other person in slight servitude to you, so that I may be close enough to maybe only touch the hem of your fashionably -forward garment.
You are a beautiful man, with a beautiful heart, (and a beautiful faux-hawk.) I love you so because you are so ensconced in creating realities out of the dreams of brides everywhere. Since I am assuming that you are desperately in love with your man partner, would you at least consider being my best friend? What wonderful memories we could make shopping for shoes and watching Wizard of Oz. If at any time you feel the urge to change your sexual orientation, please know that I am waiting here for you, ready to prove that women aren’t so bad.
Love,
Sparklebumps
P.S. If my Rockstar DOES ever propose, please consider this letter an application to your fabulous show. No one could plan a wedding between a Rockstar and a should-be-princess better than you. XOXO
Sparklebumpsthebookwhore 