Tag Archives: Depression

Survive and Thrive Workshop: Prompt #3


MM.

How many times did you autograph that monogram

and wonder,

What if they realize I’m not really

Her?

They’ll be so mad when they find out

that this piece of paper

isn’t worth a cent.

I know.

I know what it’s like when people think

you are someone you’re not.

Sure, I’ve never exactly obtained the fame you did,

or been described as the ultimate “sex symbol”.

But,

I guess I’ve had my moments.

Yes, I get it;

Wanting to drown your sorrows in a bottle of gin

so deeply

that you forget the real you

and actually become the glittering figure

They believe you are.

They say you were either

the greatest actress that ever lived

or the biggest joke ever to grace

the silver screen.

Having great tits

tends to make people not take you seriously.

And yet,

you pursued your search for love,

still working toward your goal of becoming a

“real actress”;

even in the end,

you had Them fooled.

As the ambulance drove  your adored body away,

They continued to refer to you as

Marilyn Monroe.

But I know the truth.

You were so much more than that.

 

 

 

 

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A Letter to My Mother


Since my blog is the reason my parents haven’t talked to me in over half a year, it seems only right that I would post the letter I’ve written to my mother this day.

To Mom,
I know it has been a long time since we’ve talked, but honestly, I haven’t known what to say. The last time we spoke, you were concerned about my mental health, but would take no responsibility for the reason I am the way I am. I read the letter you sent me, and Aunt Bonnie and Gramma have mentioned just a few things you guys have discussed in conversation concerning me, and I realize a lot of my feelings toward you and dad are because of things that happened long ago, but they did happen, and helped to shape who I am, whether you want to admit or not.
I know that you planned me. I know that you both gave me everything you could as I was growing up. You showed me how to have faith in God, and I always do and will,  despite the fact that dad thinks I’m “fallen so far from the Lord.” Believe me, my faith is the only thing that kept me from killing myself when I was a teenager, or doing something worse.
I appreciate that you loved me so growing up, and did what you thought was best for me, which is why I refrained from telling you both about my blog. I respected you enough to shield you from the things that would have caused you pain or sadness, but I realize now that not being straightforward with you wasn’t honest, so I will be honest in this letter.
I know that you and dad both felt you made mistakes with the past relationships you had. Which is maybe why it was that your three older children felt mistreated or unloved. I can understand why my sister would have been jealous of me, because I know the pressures felt by being the “good child”. I understand why you felt you had to keep me distanced from my brother, though I don’t agree with it. I am blessed to have a brother who loves me so unconditionally, because his is a love I have never felt from another human in my life. He really is my best friend, and I understand his depression.
I have no children of my own, and that’s an whole other issue, but I know that a child is supposed to be the MOST important thing in a person’s life, other than God. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with the way they live their lives, or approve of them in any way, but I know that you are supposed to love your child(ren) unto the ends of the earth and back, and in such a way that they feel loved, and feel good enough, and feel that they can tell you anything.
I know I was a child long ago, and the things that happened then shouldn’t be of any consequence now, but I think of my childhood every day. You tell me I was planned, but clearly you and dad did not discuss my raising to the extent that you discussed my existence, because I remember many many times when dad disciplined me with pieces of wood that splintered and broke with the force of his rage, while you pretended he was not taking his anger out on me instead of you. I remember when you both found condoms in my room, and dad literally threw them in my face and told me that “no one would ever want me again” since I was no longer a virgin. I don’t have to have a kid to know I would never, ever stand by and allow anyone to say such a thing to my child, even if it was my husband, and even if I did agree with him.
I mentioned that I contemplated suicide when I was a teen. Perhaps depression is a hereditary thing, and maybe I have it, but I can tell you that ever night when I thought about it, it was because I wasn’t allowed to do much as a teen. I don’t mean being allowed to go out and party and kiss boys and get into trouble; dad was sooo concerned about the state of my virginity that he took me out of school, and wouldn’t allow me to stay at my friend’s house because she had a brother who had friends. I will tell you, you two raised me well enough to guard my body from those who would defile it until I was definitely old enough to know the consequences of my decisions. In fact, when dad was so worried about my sex life, I was innocent enough to tell Jeremy I might never want to have sex. I was with him for a year and a half before we ever had a physical relationship, and that was after I had already left home. (I know you both think I dated him before that, but you are so wrong.) This is what I have learned: sex does not make a person who they are, and virginity or the lack thereof should not make another person treat that person like a non-human. Dad has treated me that way.
That was long ago, and you’re right- it doesn’t matter now. But I have learned that while I can forgive someone for such things, I see no reason to include such people in my life. You are my mother, and I will always love you, and I understand that you think dad is the love of your life. Maybe he is, but I know from experience that he does not treat you like a queen as a husband should, and does not treat you like his most precious gift, which you are. Do you want to know why he and I don’t get along? Because I am just as stubborn as he is, and I refuse to accept the way he treats you. He demeans you in front of people, and there is no call for that, because you are the sweetest woman I have ever known. You deserve to be near your family if you want to be, and you deserve respect from your husband. If you think you have that, then as I said before- I am glad for you. But I see the way he treats you when you both come to visit, which is why I no longer wanted to have contact with him years ago.
I love. Love is everything to me, and love given to me is reciprocated ten-thousandfold. I love my extended family, because they have shown me love always, even when they might not have agreed with me, and have always hoped that I achieve my dreams. Dad, my father, has never even been interested in what my dreams were, unless they had everything to do with God. Dreams and goals can still include God without having to be such things as missionaries and pastor’s wives. God has given me a talent for writing, and music, and painting; what I do with it is my choice, which is also something God has given to me, as he has to us all.
I love this world that God has placed me in, and I love the gay people who are in it, because God created them too, and made so many of them amazingly flamboyant and beautiful. I love all kinds of music, because God gave men the ability to write such things. I love my beloved, my Rockstar, because he is a good father and he has the talent that God gave him to be able to play the guitar without knowing how to read music, and has given him the passion and the patience to deal with and try to understand my fucked-up self, even though he doesn’t understand my sadness at all. I love that God placed me in a church that is my family’s church, and put so many people there that appreciate my talent, even if it is a church that dad doesn’t approve of for no reason at all. I have received more love from the Methodist Church in 7 years than I ever received in every Baptist church we attended as I was growing up. There is no evil in that.
Concerning my blog: when I started it, I knew not what I was going to do with it, but I knew I wanted to hone my writing skills. Through the comments and the readers I’ve received since I’ve had it, I have been able to understand myself better, and I my confidence in my talent has grown considerably. I know not that if I ever finish writing any of the many books I have started writing, people will read them, and enjoy doing so. I am more honest in my blog about my experiences than I ever have been in real life, and that has made me be more honest in real life. Sometimes, though, the truth does hurt, as I’m sure most of this letter does. This too, is not an evil thing.
I am going to stop writing this letter now, because I have said enough, I think. I am sorry if I have cause you heartache in the past months, and I hope you can forgive me. I love you, mommy, and I just want you to accept me, flaws and all.
Love, Sparkle

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It’s the End of Neuroticism as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)


To some people, their current lives are the result of one “AHA” moment in time when they say, “Enough’s enough. My life is going to vastly change from this second on.” For others, it is a back-and-forth battle with tears and much boob sweat, orgasms and sucker punches. Usually the second kind of people are suffering from mental health issues, or are born under a Libra sky. Whatever the case, I would most definitely agree that I am of the second and (in my opinion) more interesting sort- and yes, I suffer from both an indecisive Libra birth and un-medicated mental health issues.

You all know by now that of my own volition, I have been married, divorced, been called a cunt, accepted barrenness, and have made a few friends (and enemies) all while writing about it occasionally and refusing to seek treatment for my shoe and book addictions. I must admit, immediately after my divorce, my Rockstar was right to accuse me of “neediness and instability.” In my defense, after a twelve year relationship, I had every right to suffer these inadequacies. Still, I am pleased to announce that while not completely healed of my self-inflicted scars, I have accepted my faults, and since people still believe in my general awesomeness, it seems, released them.

Throughout my three year relationship with my Rockstar, it’s true that neuroticism and anxiety has reigned supreme. Perhaps it was because I was worried he might not have feelings for me, or perhaps it was because I was afraid I might be wasting my time trying to become an acceptable step-mother figure, or perhaps it was just because my Rockstar was too male-minded to realize what he’d not have if I decided to leave. I understand his irritation at tears I may have shed, as well as I understand the reason for the tears themselves. It’s taken me awhile to notice that sometimes, guys just don’t get it.

After talking to an old acquaintance the other day, despite the fact that I despise my job and sometimes my apartment, I was pleased to discover that all is right in my world. I have found the strong and independent woman who decided to leave her husband all those years ago even though she knew it would hurt, and I am perfectly content with my Rockstar, whether he will admit his Lovedom of me or not. It seems he has accepted my histrionic disorders, and tries his best to cater to them though he might not understand.

I know, you ask- “What little consequence is it to us, your readers,  that you have finally become instability-free and happy? Write about something interesting already!”

To you, I say- Without my anxiety, there will be many more delightful and witty posts for you to read. And anyhoo, this is MY blog, bitches! And while the entire world is maybe not always about me, my blog world most certainly is. So there. XOXO

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Untitled


She spent the day with her mother.

They did the things mothers and daughters do- window shopping, dining out and the like. As they were lunching on skinny fries and cobb salads, the girl almost dropped her fork when a small child of another patron nearby let out a ferocious shriek. That got her mother talking even more.

“So your cousin is planning to marry that dimwit girl even though she quit her job. I wonder how happy he’s going to be working three jobs when she’s sitting at home popping out babies?” The older woman tsk-ed once or twice before taking another bite of her salad.

“Well, he must know how pampered she is, Mom. They’ve been together since high school.” The girl tried to steer her mother away from baby talk.

” I just hate to think they’re going to have a bunch of babies when they haven’t thought about how they’re going to afford them. And that’s another thing that irks me, most of those kids at school where I teach have such horrible parents that care more about they’re dumb dogs than they do about they’re kids!” The girl hid her amusement at the fact that her mother still refused to use the word “damn” in front of her daughter, even though she was going to be thirty-two in two months.

“Yeah, well, isn’t that the way of it? All the people who shouldn’t have kids have whole herds of them when the ones that want them can’t have any.” The girl refrained from adding “including me” to the end of that sentence. She didn’t have the energy to get into that conversation today.

Her mom had a few more choice words on the subject before bouncing to another topic three or four more times before dessert came.

After her mom dropped her off, the girl walked slowly up the stairs to her apartment, the depression of the days outing weighing heavily on her heart. She couldn’t ignore the tiny tutus in the baby section of the department store earlier, or what seemed like the constant flow of new mothers with strollers who had sped by all day. She took out her keys, and let out a wavering sigh as she opened the door.

Her boyfriend was in a surprisingly good mood after having worked with morons all day, and was excited to show her the new guitar he’d found listed on Craigslist. She couldn’t help but think that the baby blue of the Gibson’s body would be the perfect color for a newborn’s nursery. After awhile, the two sat down to finish watching the last few episodes of a show they’d been watching on Netflix.

The girl was momentarily distracted from her misery as they watched the young love blossom of the two main characters on the TV screen, until the heroine’s sister decided that was the perfect time to go into labor. The girl clutched her pillow and unsuccessfully pushed back tears while the woman onscreen gave birth to a flawless baby girl, as the fictional family looked on proudly. The girl had had enough.

She had a lovely life- a job that paid her bills, a friend or two who were always there for her, a boyfriend whom she loved and loved her back, and yet she felt she hadn’t a thing in the world. She tried to push away the thought of the children she didn’t have as she slid down to her knees and slipped her lover’s boxers off before taking him in her mouth. She thought to herself before she lost herself in foreplay- She may as well play the part of a useless slut, since her body was never going to be used for a good purpose.

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Filed under Beauty, Children, Family, fiction, Life, Love, Sex, short story, Uncategorized

The Woman In His Life


I had a good talk with my beloved brother yesterday.

I’ve mentioned him on occasion, but because of my early onset of Alheimer’s that I seem to be suffering from this week, I do not recall exactly what I have written about him.

My brother is the product of my flaky mother and her first asshole husband. (Which technically makes my brother only my half-brother, but we shall not split hairs- mainly because the ones on my head are already split.) Let us just say that because of the tender age my mother was when she gave birth to my sibling, he did not receive the care he perhaps may have gotten if she had been 30 and fully matured. He was 12 when I was born, and excited to have a beautiful baby sister who was me.

I was far too young to remember much about the time he lived with us before my dad kicked him out for smoking pot, but I remember fondly the brotherly love he bestowed upon me- namely, flicking the end of my nose, (that hurt like a bitch!) and swatting my ass with a flyswatter after I repeatedly spit on his leather jacket, which I did only to show off to his friends. I did not get know truly know him until I was 18 and out of the house, because my parents treated him as a pariah, and were afraid he would be a bad influence on me. (As if I wasn’t a bad enough influence on myself.)

My Brother had a nervous breakdown at his last job, around the time I got to know him, and was diagnosed with depression and some other mental issues I fail to recall at this time. I remember the first time I went to visit him after not knowing him for most of my life, and found that he was not a normal person- mainly because he was much kinder, and more sensitive and loving than the normal people who go around only caring about themselves every day. We fast became friends, despite being complete opposites- he was raised with no structure while I was raise in an invisible churchy prison; he has no job while I have for the most part worked overtime my entire working life; I have a faith I believe firmly in, while he hasn’t an idea what to believe.

Because we did not exactly grow up as brother and sister conventionally do, we have many conversations that I’m not sure normal siblings have. We talk of love, and sex, and dreams. He told me of the one woman he truly loved, a 350 lb. black woman who he had worked with and gone to movies with who had been 15 years his senior. I told him of my deep desire to have children, and of how we should start a band, because he plays drums and I piano, and we both adore music.

When I was with my ex-husband, he could not understand why I visited my brother so often. “He doesn’t have a job” and “He lives off of disability” were his repeated statements. I tried to explain to him that a job (or lack thereof) does not make a person who they are, unless they intend it to be that way. While I do not necessarily carry a deep devotion to family, I see my brother as my brother, whether he has a job or smokes alotta weed or is depressed more than the average person.

About 9 months ago, my brother told me he met a girl, and I was ecstatic for him. It did not take me long, however, to realize from what he told me that this bitch was a crazy useless ‘ho, who perhaps unintentionally was preying on my brother’s sensitivity. I could not hide my dislike for her when he introduced her to me- after I left she was quick to ask my brother if I hated her.

I’ve not had a lot of time to go visit my brother in the last months, but we’ve talked on the phone enough for me to know he’s had a tough time letting go of this insane chic, but when I talked to him yesterday, he calmly told me he has come to a conclusion: He is convinced that I am the woman in his life.

His statement is not to be thought of in disgusting incestual terms, for he means it not in that way at all. All he meant is that I am the one woman who has always been there for  him, and never let him down, and never expected anything from him except for him to be himself. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that he has been that to me as well. He always is happy to see me, and expects naught from me except my sisterly love.

Incidentally, I’ve been together with my Rockstar for 3 years, and he has yet to meet my brother, “the man in my life.” Don’t ask me why, because I know not the reason.

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To Make A Meat Pie


If you are new to my blog, you may wish to go HERE before you read any further.

After the whole Apron Incident  of last week, my Rockstar decided to pull his head out of his ass and act like he wants to spend time with me. I am not yet certain if he DOES, in fact, want to spend time with me, but he has done well at satisfying my need for attention in the last week, so we shall not analyze it.

The day after I drunkenly shoved him out of bed and cried, “Love me, dammit!”, my Rockstar decided to come home on his lunch break. Though things were a bit awkward at first, a little naked dance took care of any uncomfortableness that remained. I’m not saying that solved everything, but my Rockstar speaks Sex alot better than he speaks Love.

He DID make the effort to take the long journey with me to church on Sunday, and seemed as relieved as I to drop his drama-inducing daughter off at her mom’s house before we went home to observe the Superbowl half-time show. (It seems that the “weenie” Eli Manning is enough to sway his interest away from a football game). While we have not talked of “The Apron Incident”, it is safe to say that things, while perhaps not exactly solved, are back to normal.

Except for Mondays, which still remain our Drunken Nights, we now work completely opposite hours. This alone is potentially semi-detrimental to our relationship. I know well the results of never seeing the individual you’re in a relationship with. Luckily, my Rockstar has realized that I still wish to interact with him the remaining 6 days of the week, so he agreed to come home for lunch this day.

I may have mentioned in the past the fact that I detest cooking. However, I love a challenge (after I’ve had coffee) so I took stock of the contents of the refridgerator, intent on making a gloriously edible lunch for my beloved. My eyes fell on a package of ground pork, and I thought, “Hmmm, I should use that up. What could I make?”

After perusing the web for recipe ideas, I decided to cook a meat pie. (How incredibly medieval of me) I had no vegetables to include in my meaty creation,  but I did find some leftover Potatoes O’Brien in the freezer that I believed would fill in my pie crust quite nicely. While I am not an expert cook, I pride myself at being able to make superb pie crust with just the right amount of flakiness. (Thanks to my amazing Auntie and her willingness to coach me on making quiche) My Rockstar, unfailing stoic when providing compliments, has actually commented on my pie crusting expertise in the past.

When he got home, my meat pie was not yet out of the oven, and he asked if I would allow him to quit his job because of the imbecility that goes on there. He was obviously in a depressed mood, so I let him stew while giving him a hug to let him know things will be alright. When my meaty goodness came out of the oven, he ate it quietly, but without turning up his nose in disgust. He even told me it was, “pretty good”, before returning to his Work Hell. (High praise coming from him)

I now realize his reaction to the Apron Incident last week was due to the suckiness of his job, and perhaps I over-reacted. (I’ve never done THAT before) I also know that I was put on this earth to make people happy, (even though I like to say it’s all about me) and so it is my hope that a hug and a meat pie brightened his day, even just a little.

P.S. I would have included a blow job in the happiness-making process, but he seemed to not be in the mood.

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Filed under Food, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized, Work

An Untitled Disturbing Poem


Woohoo! 2 postings in one day! Aren’t you all so lucky? Here is a poem a wrote in the height of my depression days. That’s the thing about unmedicated bi-polarism. You end up with poems like this. Enjoy!

Shitty black days with the sun beating down,

my brain screams in agony

and sneering smiles are all around.

All I want is to tear those smiles up.

Coming down from a high

when there was no substance abuse

The thought slams into my mind,

How can I be of so little use?

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

It hails down on my heart

the realization of never having made a mark.

It matters not if They say

“You matter. We care.”

Doesn’t matter. Not today.

Say what you want.

it don’t mean a thing.

Piece of shit. Sinner. Cunt.

In my ears,my true names ring.

Sick, twisted anger.

Rage. Despair.

These are what is left.

The only feelings there.

Maybe if for one split second

I could feel the warmth of God’s face;

but all I feel is the lick of Devil’s tongue.

And hate has taken loves place.

“Fuck him!” the furies of my head scream.

Satan’s whore. They know what I am.

But I’ll make it a dream.

I’ll don a mask of perfect peace and smile,

though I feel his teeth ripping my guts;

exquisite pain,

til a Bleeding. Broken. Heart.

is the only thing that remains.

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