The Incredibly Talented Hermit Type

Here is my sequal to Joe’s Junk and Other Disturbing Search Terms. I figured I had better address these bizarre search terms before I become buried in them.

Incredibly Talented Hermit Types: Naturally, anyone searching for one of these would be immediately directed to my blog.

Who should I be freinds with: How intelligent of the internet to deliver any friendless beings to me; as I will be able to assist them in their spelling as any good friend would do, as well as be the best friend they will never have.

Strange Mormon Customs: I am assuming this led people seeking info on the Mormon faith to my blog because of my post entitled Story of a Mormon Boy. However, Stories of Mormon Boys and Masturbation as a search term for my site makes more sense, as I do not believe masturbation or posting nudey pics of your butterface girlfriend may technically be considered Mormon customs…

9 yr old girl girl bumps on vagina: this is one of those search terms that delves right into creepiness, which is why it disturbs me so that whoever searched this ended up on my blog. I am unaware of what girl bumps on a vagina would be, but if they are on a 9 yr old girl, this looks like a job for SVU and Chris Meloni- which leads me to….

Naed pics of Chris Meloni: Now I am assuming the individual searching this meant to spell NAKED pics of Chris, or perhaps NEED- which, either way, it makes sense. I certainly need pics of my man Chris on a regular basis, and I would of course never turn down naked ones. This person is my bosom friends. (No, Rants, when I say “Bosom friend”, I do not mean my booby buddy.)

Disney Princess Fuck: I admit, Ariel in the Little Mermaid was one hot piece of tail (Heehee! I am sooo funny!) but any person who wants to fuck a Disney princess is of the lowest, most twisted ilk. Like those guys who say, “Hey! I don’t even have to watch porn!” when they go to the strip clubs in that Playstation game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. (Sadly, I actually know someone who has said this.) As  of yet, Disney has not approached me with a contract to be their next damsel in distress, and unless they raise their ratings to at least PG-13, I highly doubt they will. In the mean time, these sick twisted bastards will have to be content with reading my blog.

P.S. Have any of you noticed that I am not running out of reasons yet to mention Chris Meloni? 😉

My Life as a Disney Princess

Here are the reason that I believe they could make a Disney movie out of my life:

1. I am unfailingly trusting and would of course eat whatever magical fruit was shoved into my face by a grotesque old woman. After all, my stomach is a bottomless pit, and I am not in the habit of NOT eating whatever is offered to me.

2. I,  on occassion, will burst into song when there are no other ways to express my feelings. I’ve even convinced one of the cooks at work that it will make him feel better if he does this too. He has a very nice singing voice.

3. I have a control-freak father who is convinced the outside world is going to harpoon me in the ass.

4. When I sleep, I am awakened by my Rockstar’s kiss. (except for the times when I’m not awakened. This is due to the fact that a person could lead a marching band across my face and I wouldn’t wake up… I think I must have pricked my finger on a spindle at some point….)

5. I love books, and dream of having a library with one of those ladders that slides around on shelves. This would be very beneficial to making a dramatic ending to any song I may feel the need to burst into.. *swinging around on ladder with arms up, singing* “I love my books! I have to poop!” (I may have to work on the lyrics a bit.)

6. I have no little mice friends, but my imaginary friend Kozzi Gunka would be a cool twist.

7. There are Evil Forces intent on ruining my every happiness. They are known as Bill Collectors.

8. Although not as skinny as those Disney bitches, I have the boobage that would fill out whatever ball gown I might need to wear quite nicely.

9. I don’t have a magic carpet to ride, but I have a dented Mercury Cougar that gets me where I want to go.

10. I don’t have a magic mirror that tells me I’m the fairest of them all, but I have a 9 year old Almost Daughter who tells me she is much more beautiful than me.

11. I must slave away until I magically come into a giant wad of cash.

12. I found my True Love, it just took 2 rounds. Also, I’m not sure how they could incorporate the Fuck Buddy issue into a kid’s movie….