Shame On You, Cinderella

So yesterday was an icy cold day yesterday in the Midwest, and I spent the day doing what any civilized child-minded person would do on such a day: I watched Disney movies with my Rockstar’s Daughter. ABC Family has become my newest favorite cable channel.
After re-aquainting myself with the story of Aladdin, (while singing under my breath to all the amazing songs written by one Alan Menken), I was thrilled to see that Cinderella was the next film to be featured. I realized as it began that despite having had the Golden Book version of the movie and having read it so much I had it memorized as a child, I had never actually seen the movie. Though the animation was aged and far inferior to that of my favorite The Little Mermaid, I appreciated the ugliness of the evil step-mother, and was inspired to in the future write the story of how she became so bitter and ugly. But nevermind about that for now.

I was of course distracted from the Scrabble game I was winning (philo IS a word, dammit!) by Cinderella when Bibbety-Bobbity Woman adorned her in a sparkling gown with look! glass slippers!  but I was even more distracted to watch the non-handsome prince immediately fall forever in love with her upon first sight. He knew he wanted to make her his queen without even knowing her name. Now I have just a little bit of a problem with that.

Yes, of course every girl (including me) dreams of being so beautiful just a glimpse of her will make a prince fall in love with her. ‘Tis true that a sparkling gown and glass slippers may aid in such a thing, but if a prince would notice such things as that, one may wonder if perhaps he should be searching for another prince. What disturbed me so about their first meeting was not that he fell in love with her, but the fact that she didn’t even say anything. There was no hint that she was a hard-working PETA member who could sing better than her ugly step-sisters, or that she was a dog-lover who could also cook a mean breakfast.

Now  I understand how a man could fall immediately in love with a beautiful woman, as this seems to happen surprisingly often to me, but I am convinced my stellar personality and DDD’s have a little something to do with that. Upon meeting me, men haven’t a chance to simply adore my supposed beauty, because they are lickety-split bombarded with questions of there origins and whether they wear boxers or briefs. My curiosity always gets the better of me.

Anyhoo, I am upset that the story of Cinderella fools little girls into thinking that all they have to do is look pretty in order to find happiness. Yes, accessorizing is a tool to help a girl cheer up when she’s feeling down, but she can’t just go around looking pretty and expect a prince to fall into her lap! She must at least be amusing, or sweet, or something! No man wants one of those bitchy pretty girls, do they?

I Had Something In My Eye

Has a book ever brought you to tears?

This was the autotopic that got me today. Excuse me, but this may lean toward movies a bit more than books, because for some reason, there is only one book that has ever made me lose my emotional marbles.

Where the Red Fern Grows: I believe I was about 13 when I read this book. If you don’t know thow story, I will sum up,  (heehee! I just quoted the Princess Bride. 🙂 ) It’s about a poor boy who grows up in the Ozark mountains and saves for 2 years to buy a pair of redbone coon hounds. He  spends all his spare time teaching them to hunt, and becomes famous in his little area. Then, one night when he’s out hunting, they accidentally track a mountain lion, which ends up mauling one of his dogs. The dog dies, and the other dog is so depressed that she dies too. Now, here is proof that I like animals more than people, because I have never cried when I’ve read a book about a person dying. But when I read this book, For the entirety of the last 40 pages or so, I had tears pouring down my face. And then I read it again. And cried. Again. Seriously, you really need to read this book if you never have. It will depress you greatly.

Now, moving on to movies. Here are just a few that stand out.

Disney’s Tarzan: Yes, I realize it’s a cartoon. But it was the most emotional 90 minutes of my LIFE. My friends dragged me to this when I was 16, and I protested the entire way. Within the first 10 minutes, I was trying to distract my friends by digging in my purse, so they didn’t notice my internal breakdown. I don’t really remember much about that movie, but I remember walking out of the theatre and feeling completely EXHAUSTED. Frequent changes in emotions will do that to a person….

The Green Mile: I will never, EVER watch this movie again. I went to the late night showing of this, and let us suffice to say that if there had been anybody else in the theatre, I would have had to leave, because nobody wants their Stephen King movie interrupted by a hyper-ventilating, blubbering pile of Sparkles. I seriously thought I was dying. So did my boyfriend.

Ghost: This is a typical Patrick Swayze love fest. But I had to include it because this is one that also made my ex cry. When I would taunt him by saying in a sing- song voice, “Are you cry-y-y-ing?!” He would wipe his eye and mutter, “I had something in my eye.”

My First Mister: Chances are you just went, “HUH?!” This is a little independent film starring LeeLee Sobieski and Albert Brooks (Nemo the fish’s dad). Leelee is a goth teen who becomes friends with straight-laced Al when he hires her at his clothing store. Spoiler alert: he dies. I cannot explain it, but after watching this movie, I can be found moping about for 2 to 5 days. By the way, Carol Kane is awesome in this movie.

The Little Mermaid: At the end when Ariel is pining after Prince Eric (which is what I call my Rockstar to his face, because that’s his name 🙂 ) and her dad realizes he has to give her up, I turn into snivelling wreck. (Fuckin’ Disney.)

Marley and Me: This I’m sure is not a surprise, because anybody who DOESN’T cry while watching this movie has no soul. However, it was not very nice of them to drag out the sadness for a whole HOUR. You’ve never experienced real life until you’ve sat in a crowded theatre listening to the entire audience snotting. For an hour.

 

A Tale of the Disenchanted

Once upon a time, there was a curly-haired girl named Sparklebumps who grew up loving fairy tales. Needless to say, this was NOT in any way beneficial to her life. In fact, the opposite proved to be true. The phrases “True Love” and  “Happily Ever After” were so imbedded into her brain that she went through her beginning years actually believing these things could really happen.

The wicked stepmother in her stories was replaced in her reality by a scary ogre of a man she called “Dad”, who worked her night and day until her muscles grew and her report card had all A’s. The occassional beating was issued whenever Sparkle actually let her personality come out, because the man she called “Dad” was trying to turn her into a Stepford Wife, and he didn’t know how else to do it. Sparkle also had a ninny of a mother who was good-hearted, but depended on “Dad” to make all her decisions for her.

When Sparkle switched schools in 4th grade, she fell deeply in love at first sight with a boy who was very smart in her class. They spent the next 5 years trying to out-do each other in the classroom, and became decent friends. Sparkle was always to afraid to let the boy know of her feelings for him, and she never told him; which is something she will always regret. The boy grew up to have a very beautiful perfect family with a very tall blonde wife.

(Skipping ahead to the better part) When Sparkle was 18, she escaped from the prison “Dad” had created for her and got her own apartment. The first night there, Sparkle was terrified to realize she didn’t even know how to write a check out or balance her checkbook. A man she mistook for her knight in shining armour helped her figure all this important life stuff out, and she married the guy.

The Mistaken Knight (or so we shall call him) had parents who owned a restaurant where Sparkle got her first job. She worked there for 12 years, each year growing more and more depressed at the thought of working there for even one more day. When her evil mother-in-law gossipped one too many times, Sparkle exploded and basically said, “Fuck this shit.” She went and found her dream job at a little used bookstore the very next day.

(More skipping) After getting divorced and finding her own personal Rockstar, Sparkle settled into her new life, a little bit wiser than she was, and jaded enough to realize that life isn’t a frickin’ Disney movie. She still found joy in the little things, and in going to her bookstore job every day, until her nemesis, the Boss, started being a fuckin’ cocksucker, and tried telling her how to do stuff, EVEN THOUGH he was never there and didn’t have a clue.

The Boss poses as a Christian, so he flaunts his Biblical knowledge and looks down upon Sparkle for living in sin with her Rockstar, but he is really just so angry because his wife is successful and can’t believe she married such a loser. She  cannot stand the thought of The Boss touching her, which results in his coming to work and complaining about his horniness.

This morning, Sparkle was all ready for a brand new day, excited to actually do some work, and bought a buttload of super-fun erotic novels from a customer. Then the wicked Boss came in and bitched her out because he says “this is a family-friendly store”, even though every single smut book we’ve ever had has sold. He then proceeded to raise Sparkle’s blood pressure by bossing her around until she wanted to stab him in the head with the scissors she was using to make a beautiful sign.

Sparklebumps is trying hard to believe there is a “Happily Ever After.”