A Light for the Stupid People

So I was feeling very un-inspired this morning, and so I text my Rockstar nd asked him what I should write about today. He replied with “Stupid People”, I think mainly because he is at work at the moment and is surrounded by them. I thought and thought of how to write about Stupid People in a helpful and entertaining way, and then it became glaringly clear to me- I would write a guide for them pointing out the everyday obvious things Stupid People sometimes just don’t seem to understand. The more I thought of it, the more I realized that Stupid People really just seem to lack a Common Sense gene.

TO THE MUSICALLY ILLITERATE:

1. Kesha is NOT a musician.

Despite the fact that she “Brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack” as a Rockstar might, Kesha in no way is musically talented. She does not play an instrment, and her tablature of sings is comparable to the noise one might here if invited to an orgy. Ugly and disgusting sounds.

2. Taylor Swift is, in fact a musician, though not an astonishing singer.

As much as I detest her, I cannot deny the fact that the girl CAN play guiter. Now whether it is well or not? That is a question for my Rockstar. However, the fact that she as a vocal range of less than ten notes will not put her in a category with the likes of Martina Mcbride or Mariah Carey.

As there are many different kinds of Stupid People, I must be moving on to a different category.

TO THE WOMEN WHO USE SEX:

1. While it is quite possible to keep a man’s interest for an undetermined amount of time by sleeping with him, he will most likely NOT be falling in love with you, unless you have a Magical Twat.

In the past, my mind has been boggled by these women who don’t understand, “Why hasn’t he said he loves me? Why aren’t we married?” (I realize I have said these very things, but for quite a different reason.) If a woman “dates” someone, (in the instances I’m referring to, the woman did nothing but go fuck the man several nights a week) yet never gets out of bed with him, how is that man supposed to see how wonderful and amazing (or not) of a woman you are?As much as I adore the Sex, I must point out that True Love does not begin with a boner.

2. If a woman is in a relationship with a man, yet realizes that it is doomed, it is not beneficial to either party to “accidentally” on purpose become pregnant.

My Rockstar has experience with this. He will agree with me.

TO THOSE ATTEMPTING TO MAKE THEIR WAY UP THE JOB FOODCHAIN:

1. Consistantly having your cell phone glued to your ear on phone calls with your girlfriend when you are supposed to be managing a shift is not the way to maintain you already tentatively-scheduled management hours.

2. Sitting down and/or standing outside while your overlord manager is present instead of ensuring your business is running smoothly and doing all to ensure it WILL run smoothly is not a way to impress the bosses.

TO THE VEHICULARILY DENSE:

1. Owning a Camaro does not automatically make you “cool”.

Owning a Mustang does not automatically make you “cool” either, but it gives you a much better chance.

2. Most major highways are constructed with two lanes- a slow lane and a fast lane.

The outside lane is made for the slow polk. This is to ensure that a shoulder is present for any overly-cautious drivers who need to check for tire poundage or are being pulled over by State Troopers for going under the posted speed limit. If a Polk is found in the non-designated slow lane, it’s more than possible he will be honked at profusely and flipped the bird by a red-head in yellow truck.

I guess that’s all I have for now, but feel free to offer up suggestions of other types of Stupids for me to guide.

Sunday Drive

It has been said that drivers in St. Cloud, Minnesota are the worst in the world. Spending a good deal of my time driving to and from work in this town, I know this fact to be true. I would venture to say, however, that ALL drivers in Minnesota are the worst- while I have not had the pleasure of driving across other states now and then, it is safe to say that from what I’ve seen of Minnesota drivers, if the rest of the country drove as such, we would have reverted back to horses as our main source of transportation long ago.

Why am I mentioning the flaws of the Minnesota Licensed, you ask? Let me tell you.

I have mentioned in the past that I play piano for church every Sunday. (You may laugh now at the thought of the Bookwhore in church, everyone does.) Because I have continued to move further and further away from the church, I now live a good hour’s drive away. This drive allows me to reflect on my week, and to crank up Rob Zombie’s Pussy Liquor and Zakk Wilde’s Counterfeit God and jam out while I drive.

Yesterday, I was going about my own business, cruising at an unapproved 70 mph when I came up behind a polk of a driver. The main road I take to church is a source of constant chagrin to me, as it is infested daily with drivers who insist on going under the speed limit, and it is a two-lane highway with many hills not acceptable for passing. This causes me to resort to the only choice that remains- tailgating the slow-polks to irritate them enough that they go faster.

Said polk was just jaunting along at a less-than-desirable 45 mph when I came up behind him. Since I was jamming out at the time to Sick Puppies’ Riptide, I perhaps didn’t quite notice that I was committing my habitual tailgating crime. I realized it when the man began to turn, and I passed him on the right, and he swerved as if to hit me, then proceeded to flick me the bird. I just waved as I cruised past him in my yellow truck, but inside, I was steaming.

On the remaining drive to church, I daydreamed about what my inner homicidal maniac wanted to do to that rude man:

I would have made a quick U-turn and followed that asshole down the rode of his choice, tailgating and laying on the horn until he decided to stop along some desolate highway. Then I would have stopped, thrown my lovely truck into park and jumped down from the excessively-tall cab, landing rightly on my bronze sparkly wedges I was sporting. I then would have proceeded to pound on the man’s hood like Tarzan before dragging his terrified ass outta his driver’s seat and shout, “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! JUST FUCKING GO FASTER, YOU DOUCHE!”. I then would have found it necessary to pummel his face to a bloody pulp before connecting my fabulous shoes with his manhood, at which time he would crumple to the asphalt, meanwhile, I’d be standing with hand on hip waving my finger at him and yelling, ” I better not see you going under 60 mph, and if you use that finger at me again in any way other than a pleasure-inducing manner, I will fucking bite it off, you fucker.”

Yeah, that woulda shown him!

Driving Minnesota

I have come to believe in my 14 years of driving, that I should be the only Minnesota driver on the road. This is why:

Last Saturday. it decided to snow. One of the joys of living in Minnesota is listening to the dumbshit weather people, and then laughing uncontrollably when they get it wrong. Every day. As I have never lived in another state, I do not know if ALL weather people went to Idiot School, but I am most assured that all the  Minnesotan ones did.

Anyhoo, the forecast for our first wintry storm was 1-2 inches. Then it changed to 3-4.  From what I could tell, it was at least 7. Now, I am not a great measurer of things, but I DO know what 7 inches looks like, (after all, that’s average )  After my Rockstar cleaned off my car for me, (because he refuses to tell me he loves me) I was off to work.

Now, I know several people who live in Minnesota that have not originated here, and I ask them all the same question. Why the fuck would you move HERE?! I admit, our ten thousand lakes (mudholes and swamps) may attract fisherman types, however, the long stretches of marshy swamplands along our highways would convince me this is a place NOT to move to, if I were a visitor. Anyway, my point is, most of the drivers on the road should be used to a bit of snow. This seems not to be the case.

There is a very strange thing that happens to Minnesota drivers when it snows. The people who normally are zipping along at excessive speeds instead are creeping along at 25-30 mph. I realize it is safest to slow down a bit because of icy roads, but when the plow has just blown by (while pelting my car with a wave of grey slush) there is no reason not to go at least 55. What never fails is that on a 4 lane highway, I will be stuck behind one of these fucktards; meanwhile, the plow that is scraping an almost clear road is blocking the other lane.  The result is a line of cars, bumper to bumper, two miles long, all because Joe Asshat forgot how to drive in the snow.

What is especially amusing is the number of cars one will see along a highway during the first snowfall of the year. How cruel of me to laugh at other people’s expense, you say? I have earned the right to laugh at these fools; having put my own car in the ditch 5 or 7 times. Every single one of those times was because I was going too fast and not paying attention on gravel roads. I am happy to say that it’s been at least 7 years since I’ve spent time in a ditch.

Getting to town is especially excruciating. I am convinced that St. Cloud’s stoplight system is run by evil leprachauns that use it for their own amusement. How else can you explain a green left turn light that only lets two cars through? If you are unlucky enough to be the third car, you will have the pleasure of sitting at that stoplight for at least 10 minutes before it is your turn again. The red lights for straightaways are also the longest I’ve experienced in my travels. So add to this the fuckerheads who aren’t paying attention and don’t know how to drive in the snow, and you will understand why I am so distraught that my car horn no longer works.

My Rockstar thinks I am a…. less than stellar driver. To him I say, “I’ve never been in an accident; when I text while driving I don’t swerve; when the light is green, I step on it (which makes the person in the other lane think I’m trying to drag race), when I cut people off, I’m going fast enough that they don’t even realize I was there, and when it snows, I make enough room for the idiots going 70 to pass me if they want.” I am considerate of other drivers, which I am convinced no one else is. Plus I know how to drive a stick shift. Both kinds. (Heehee)