Tag Archives: Elliot Stabler

Elliot Sta-ate of Mind


This is my 5th or 6th post about the fucked up search terms people type in and end up finding my blog with. I’m greatly disturbed to inform you that “Blake Shelton’s bulge” remains the most popular one. As I was writing this post on paper, (I sometimes do that) I realized I had a theme going, as evidenced by the title of today’s post. You’ll see…

Elliot Stabler naked: I think this may have been on my last search term post, but it is worthy of mentioning again, I think. All I have to say is- if Elliot Stabler were naked on my blog, you wouldn’t be reading the highly entertaining posts I type, as my fingers would be… otherwise engaged.

My dearest my loins burn for you: This seems the appropriate response I would have if ever I WERE to see Elliot Stabler naked and in person. I am also greatly flattered that whoever typed this search term in was directed to my site. I assure you the burning in their loins is due to my hilarious wit, and NOT gonner  gheonne gonnerh  fuck it. Herpes.

shameful public pants: zoobas, anyone? Some may also find my pants shamefully wet if ever I saw Elliot Stabler naked in public.

passing around a bottle of jack: I’m game. Especially if a naked Elliot Stabler is involved.

Are you sick of my Elliot obsession yet? You will be.

her heart began to beat faster: I bet she saw Elliot Stabler naked.

behaved women fucking: I’m quite certain a naked Elliot Stabler can make the most demure of women think twice about her morals.

girl receives a gift in dildo porn: Was it an Elliot Stabler replica, I wonder? That would be worth searching for.

deflowered girl porn: I’m not interested. Unless Elliot Stabler is involved, that is.

Aright, enough about him. On to the weird and unique.

Boobs rock: I agree. Especially mine. You agree too. Just admit it.

Fish boner capital punishment: Do fish have penises? I must admit that this is a biology question I don’t know the answer to. But I suppose if someone’s fucked-up self looks up “fish boners”, they must exist. Now the question is, are they using the fish boners to administer the capital punishment, or are they capitally punishing the fish boners?

Sex story of my mother with a sex thief: I suppose that if it was a theif stealing the sex, my mother would have had no choice in the matter. I do not care to think on that subject any longer.

I am Joe’s penis: Well, la dee da. You must be so proud. Were ya been, Joe’s penis? Oh wait, I don’t wanna know. I however, am NOT Joe’s penis, so I’m confused as to why this searching person was directed to my blog. Although, if I were to have a penis, I’d prolly call him Joe.

Talk dirty to me in Farsi: Please do! Not that I’ll have a clue what you are saying, but it will make me giggle and blush all the same. Shit, I was flustered when one of my cooks at work said, “How you doin’?” in his sexy voice to me last night. He found that highly amusing.

histrionic in love with older knight: This is the story of my life. My older knight weilds his guitar (and the sword within his pants) with extreme precision. Of course I’m going to love him…

I’ve included several eye candy pictures to make your day brighter. XOXO

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A Farewell to Elliot Stabler’s Arms


My dearest Elliot, (and your Arms)

I was quite distraught to have it brought to my attention that you and your beautiful arms will no longer be starring on Law and Order SVU. I realize this letter may seem a bit belated, but I must admit that I’ve been remiss in my duty as a devoted SVU fan and have not been watching the show in recent months due to my own self-obsession.

I must tell you that my heart felt as if it had been crushed by a thousand elephant’s asses when my beloved friend Delightful informed me that you and your arms were done for after she began watching the show to better understand my obsession with your real life persona Chris Meloni. I felt faint, and had to rest my head on the make-table at work, (which was quite unsanitary, so I had to waste time re-sanitizing it. Thanks.) How can life ever be the same if I am no longer able to adore the Catholic tattoo that graces you uber-buff bicep? I will no longer be able to fantasize your upper appendages being wrapped around my naked body in a passionate embrace, or lifting me from a burning building.

I am bereaved at the fact that I will no longer be able to yell your arms through the TV, screaming, “Just squeeze Olivia already, dammit!” and the fact I will never have had the satifaction of seeing you and she crawling out of bed mostly naked after finally giving in to the sexual tension greatly perturbs me.

No longer shall my desire be whetted by watching marathons of  newer SVU episodes that I haven’t seen a million times. While Richard Belzer’s character Munch is somewhat sexy in a twisted, highly-intelligent old man sort of way, he does not hold a candle to you, Ell. (Or your arms)

My dream of one day playing a victim that you have saved, or maybe replacing Olivia as your partner is destroyed. Where am I to go from here? My life is in ruins and I am in the depths of despair.

While your real-life persona Chris Meloni may yet impassion me by starring in big-budget movies, (or True Blood, I hear) I feel that will never compare to the intimate relationship we’ve had for the past ten, Elliot’s Arms. How could you think of making such a career choice without consulting me? Do you not know how I pine for your beefiness? Do you not know of the fire that burns in my loins at the thought of your sinewy strength? My yoga pants are dewy just writing about it.

My only hope is that you (or the producers of SVU) will come to your senses, and you will yet again grace my T.V. screen on a weekly basis. I will be waiting, bereft and inconsolable, until that time comes, Elliot and Elliot’s Arms.

With all the desire in my 5’3″ frame,

A Heartbroken Sparklebumps

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