In the Spirit of Christmas

I found out today that even spam can be Christmassy. (Sort of)

As I checked my junk emails this morning, I should have known when the subject line “Stuff her stocking!” flashed before my eyes that the subject matter would be rated higher than PG. I was not fully prepared for the upsetting question that would be posed to me when I clicked to open it, however.

“Do you want to get laid for Christmas?”

As I have pointed out on numerous occassions, most certainly I would like to get laid, whether it be Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or Sadie Hawkins Day. Be that as it may, putting the ideas of naked fun time and Christmas in the same sentence greatly disturbs me.

I am well aware of such offensive Christmas songs as Merry Christmas, Darling and Santa’s Got a Brand-New Bag. Perhaps it is the quote, “Remember the Reason for the Season” being drilled into my head as a child, but I highly doubt Baby Jesus would find people copulating a satisfactory birthday present.  I am less offended by the song Santa Baby, (because Eartha Kitt is awesome) unless of course it is the hideous Jessica Simpson version playing.

It is well known that my sexual explicity content is quite high. However, for my own personal preference, Christmas may be the one time when I shan’t mention boom boom.

The second part of my spam email that got me thinking was the link provided to me after they indecently asked if I wanted a boner in my stocking. It contained the words “date-aholic.” I suppose it depends on who you ask, but I was under the impression that “dates” were the occassions when a boy picks you up, takes you out to a nice dinner, maybe a movie, holds your hand, and kisses you on your front stoop at the end of the night. I am sure this has changed slightly with the times, but I’m pretty sure a date still includes some semblance of wining and dining. So why all the mystery? Instead of using “date-aholic” as their website, wouldn’t it just be more gracious of this company to use the tag line, “FREE SEX” ?  Merry Christmas indeed.

Junk Mail Entertainment

So I don’t check my e-mail all that often, because like phone calls, I usually only receive one or two good ones in a given month. While going through my junk emails this morning , however, I decided to share a few of the subject lines with you, since it seems that the majority of people who send these to me believe me to be NOT what I am.

You have been invited to hook up for sex: How very flattering. However, since they didn’t send a picture, I must regretfully decline.

Learn how to take professional pictures from photography school: Because I was thinking I’d go to photography school so I could learn to do something ELSE.

Natural Moroccan Hair and skin care: I’m not sure why they sent this to me, as I do not have Moroccan hair OR skin. I’m Minnesotan, yo.

Seek hot chics in your city: Technically, I live in a suburb of a city, and I can tell you one thing- from walking uptown, I am quite certain there are NO hot chics here.

Cougar Dating: I wasn’t sure if this one was asking me to BE the cougar or to date one. If it assumes that I am the cougar, I am seriously offended. So fuck them.

High-end Rolex replicas make for perfect X-Mas gifts: Admittedly, I am  quite poor; however, I am not so cheap as to buy someone I like a knock-off. If I am to buy a present, it will reflect my love and not my dollars. So hugs for everybody! (Since they are the only thing I can afford at this time)

Obtaining Social Security Disability is a complex process; we can help: I highly doubt they give disability for histrionica and shoe obsession.

Wow! This is Amazing!: This one was for a men’s supplement. Incidentally, this is the exact phrase I use when I look in my Rockstar’s pants- and he doesn’t use any supplements.

Viagra,  Cialis, Levitra: oh, my! It sounds like a perverse version of the Wizard of Oz. I hope Dorothy finds men with NO erectile dysfunctions… because that would be best.