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Life Soundtrack


So I realized that after a few weeks of having my blog, I have yet really addressed the issue of music! Shame on me! Music is a HUGE part of my life (dating a Rockstar and all) and I cannot believe I overlooked it… I get distracted so easily. I am always humming or bursting into song, (which gets me a few perplexed looks, so today, I shall fill you in on the soundtrack of my life.

Childhood Days. Honestly, the first music I can remember having an effect on me was New Kids on the Block. Don’t judge me, I was 6. My Used-to-be-Friend Catherine was 3 yrs older than me and aquainted me with pre-teen eidolons of the 80’s. We both loved Joey McIntire the best, but she always got first dibs, since she was older, so I was stuck liking Jordan. Many, many hours were spent sitting in our basements belting out “Cover Gir-r-r-rl” and “Step By Step”. And much to my father’s chagrin, one Christmas my Auntie bestowed me with a life size poster of them. Sadly, Catherine forsook the boys and turned her attentions to M.C. Hammer. I was left to extol NKOTB on my own, and to avoid ridicule, tore all of my Teen Beat posters of them out of my locker at the end of 3rd grade. I still resent Merry Weathers for that…

My mom always listened to country. So in my growing up days, I was subject to the atrocious croonings of Kenny Rogers and the less offensive Alabama. There is one song I will always remember driving to school singing a song entitled “I’m Gonna Get You.” Please, if any one knows what the heck I’m talking about, please enlighten me as to who sang that, because I have never been able to figure it out, and my mom thinks I’m fabricating it.

Michael Jackson was also a great source of musical joy around that time. Alas, I never acquired the effortless dance aspects that made him so alluring to me.

Church years. From the ages of 10 to 15, I was not allowed to be exposed to anything other than music that praised God. Unfortuneately, most of it came screeching at me in operatic refuse out of my dad’s radio at high volumes. Luckily, there was an excess of gifted singers at my church and school, so I was not completely disenchanted with Jesus music.

When I was 9, I had a got a crush on a boy named Ryan. It was not just his sandy blonde hair that made him attractive to me. No, no. As we were sitting in our school’s auditorium waiting to practice for the annual program, he sat down and played piano like a blonde version of Mozart. Ok,  maybe not, but it sounded really good to me. I decided that day that I wanted to be a stellar pianist. The next 11 years I spent hours trying to play Chopin as fast as those frickin’ men on my classical tapes. I have decided that Man fingers are more speedy than Women’s. Providentially, my talent as a musician served as a link to my peers, since my dad had pretty much castigated the personality out of me at that time.

Late teens and early 20’s. Nothing really stands out in the music area at this time, other than at the time, I believed Colin Raye to be the foxiest and most talented country singer then. I listened to Pop alot then, what comes to mind: Savage Garden, Matchbox 20, and Goo-Goo Dolls. I DO remember driving to my first apartment in my ’93 Mustang convertible that had not yet rusted out and lost it’s  muffler singing to “I Will Buy You a New Life.” By the way, Backstreet Boys was the very first CD I ever bought that I hid in the shelved of my closet from my dad.

My first boyfriend, (my ex-hubby) loved Alan Jackson, and one of our first “dates” we spent sitting out on a dock, looking at the stars, while “Buicks to the Moon” played in his truck. Incidentally, I had spent weeks in my younger years at my Uncle’s, who also thought Alan Jackson was the shit, so we connected because of that.

A few years later, when I lived and worked with my friend, we were driving back from work and put “Everything To Me” by Avalon on repeat. Perhaps it was the thought that our parents now considered us “Children of Satan”, but we both ended up singing through our tears. More likely it was because she had just had a baby she hadn’t planned on, and I was trying to decide if I should break up with my boyfriend, but I will always remember trying to pretend I had something in my eye so she wouldn’t know I was crying.

Which reminds me, I ended up going to Canada and hanging with a bunch of natives, and when I put in a Coyote Ugly soundtrack, one of them said, “What the hell is this crap.” I listen to that CD now and I say the same thing.

Drunken days and Getting to know my Bro. I lump these together, since the music is very similiar. While I was dating my ex, we hung out alot at his brother’s, in the basement that had been converted into a bar. There were many nights of drunken debauchery, and it was only made better by the gargantuan sound system that rattled the house. Mostly 80’s tunes were played, several while I meditated on the floor in front of the fridge in a drunken haze.

My brother has always been a source of hopelessness for my parents, as he experimented with drugs alot in his teen years and listend to “Devil music”. He moved out when I was very young and didn’t get to know him until I moved out. At first, I was nervous about getting to know someone I had been raised so differently from, but we are great friends now. He has spent many hours introducing me to the likes of Poison, Tesla, The Black Crowes, Prince, Mariah Carey, and Black Sabbath.

Married years. After I married, we bought a shithole of a house that we fixed up. Many hours were spent sanding, painting, and caulking to the voices of  Johnny Lang and Ann and Nancy Wilson.

Here I will take a small break and include a band has weasled it’s way into my life soundtrack at different intervals. Audioslave. In a previous post, I mentioned an incredibly hot makeout session I had with my Rockstar when I tried to set him up with my friend. “Like a Stone” was played that night. I would like to state that I detest that song and Chris Cornell’s voice is excruciating. While I was married, I really got into WWE wrestling and one of the Diva’s theme songs was “Be Yourself.” My brother throughout the years has tried to get me to listen to them, but to no avail. I didn’t begin to take a liking to them until my Rockstar played “Jewel of the Summertime” for me. And “that’s all I have to say about that.”

When I started dating my Rockstar, we watched tha movie “Rockstar”(imagine that) and I found out that the singing was done by a man in the band Steelheart. My Rockstar started looking up their vids on youtube, and he said,”This is probably one of their best songs. I will always remember sitting on his lap watching the video for “All Your Love.” (How romantic) We broke that folding chair after that….

Along those lines, since we are both into music so much, there are numerous songs that could be added to my “Gettin’ it on list”, and it may be a bit sacreligious, but Lita Ford’s song “Holy Man” will always be the first one I think of.

Oh, there are so so many more that I could go on forever, but for now that will have to do. But to quote one of my favorite hymns, “How can I keep from singing?” XOXO

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Suckage Part 2: “Breaking Dawn” or Breaking Down?


On to part 2… Sorry, I may drag this out.

I have readily admitted that I failed to read Twilight in it’s entirety. Now will ashamedly admit that I DID read the rest of the series. I  will tell you why. Because I work in a bookstore, and so I feel that it is my job to keep abreast of the popular literature of the day. Too bad for me. That is not to say that I wasn’t entertained by Bella’s adventures in the last 3 books; actually, quite the contrary. But it wasn’t because I was drawn into the heart-wrenching love story, or the “epic” (there’s that word again) battles, or even the werewolves. No, no. It was because as the series went on, it got only more and more ridiculous, and by the end of Breaking Dawn (the 4th book) I was laughing my fool head off. (out loud)

There is not really much to say about New Moon, other than “Way to go again, Stephanie! You once again made every pre-teen girl want a debilitating relationship with a sparkly vampire.” Edward leaves Bella because he is afraid for her safety, which sends Bella into a depressive state for 4 months. Great inspirational reading for today’s kids. Don’t worry. He comes back. (I personally think he came back because what dude who hasn’t had sex in 100 yrs could stay away from a horny girl who throws herself at him?)

LALALA. I don’t really remember much about Eclipse either, except that in order to get Edward to agree to turn her into a vampire, Bella unenthusiastically agrees to marry him. I really think she didn’t want to say yes because then she wouldn’t have had a hot werewolf bugging her all the time. Points for Stephanie Meyer- she got me to wanna see what happens in the last book.

Breaking Dawn. I don’t even know how to begin.  I believe Stephanie Meyer thought that exact same thing when she sat down to write this poppycock. It begins with Bella and Edward getting married and going to stay on their own personal island for their honeymoon. They do it, (finally!) and then I have decided that Bella must have sucked (not literally) in bed, because Edward’s like, “Umm, no. We are NOT doing that again.” He gives the excuse that his rock hard…. abs and other assorted muscles left too many bruises on her, so he makes her do other fun stuff that you are supposed to do on an island. 3 or 4 weeks later, (sorry, it’s been a long time since I read it) Bella realizes, “Damn! I haven’t been on the rag for awhile, I must be pregnant!” then “AGH! My baby is growing at an extremely accelerated pace and ripping my guts out!” So they go back home to the family doctor, (yes, that was a pun) and Edward, like the normal prick he is, becomes completely unsupportive and tries to get Bella to abort. During this time, Jacob the werewolf is back and he feels compelled to stay by Bella’s side at all times. So in less than a month, Bella ejaculates this perfect baby and dies. (Hallelujah!) But no. Stephanie couldn’t have just been smart and left her dead. She made Edward turn her into a vampire. The coolest, slickest vampire that ever lived. (or didn’t live, if you wanna be technical) By the way, she still has no personality. And in the time that it took her to turn, Jacob fell in love with her baby. Yeah. I’ll repeat it. Jacob, who is 17, is “in love” with the baby. WTF?!How did the only character who had a personality in the book end up being a pedifile?! They blame it on this thing called imprinting, which I think Stephanie just threw in there to keep Bella from looking like a major cunt because she didn’t have the balls to tell Jacob to go away. Anyway, the only thing I can think of is that Stephanie Meyer did some acid, or smoked some really good weed before she figured out what she was going to name the baby. She named it Renesmee. Say it out loud. You will laugh too. It’s supposed to be Bella’s mom’s name intigrated with Edward’s mom’s name. It just ends up sounding like Bella was drunk. Anyway, the kid grows up to be a three-year-old just like that, and there’s almost another “epic” battle, (that doesn’t matter) and everyone lives happily ever after.  I read through this book so hastily, waiting to see how it progressed, and I was not disappointed. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any stupider, it did. I was so wildly entertained that I told everyone I worked with about the “worst book I had ever read.”

I’m sorry I didn’t post something more interesting, but I gots lots to do today at work. Be happy! XOXO

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A Guy Thing To Do


Thank you, everyone who read my blog yesterday, it was my biggest day yet! In the grand scheme of things, I shall always remember you when I am famous. XOXO

I have always appreciated beauty. And women are way more fun to look at than men, which is the only explaination I have for the following story. You may find it creepy anyway.

There is a gorgeous young woman who comes into my bookstore to sell books occasionally. She is just this tiny petite thing with perfect hair, a perfect smile, and a perfect baby that always has a perfect flowery headband on. When she sells books, she has to sign her name on our little sheet thing, and being the little-bit creepy person that I am, I decided to look her up on facebook. Now, this was not with the intention of finding out where she lives, or finding out what she did last Friday night. My sole purpose was to appreciate any very nice pictures that she had on her profile. And in my defense, if she really DIDN’T want anyone looking at her, she woulda put her profile on private. So there. Anyway, the other night when I was drinking, I confessed to my Rockstar this semi-creepy thing that I did, and showed him her pics so he could appreciate her too. He said, “That was totally a guy thing to do.”

I agree. No normal woman I know would ever look up a girl she didn’t know on facebook just to ogle her pics. But then, when have I ever claimed to be normal? This got me to thinking of the other non-feminine qualities I possess.

I suppose the first thing that came to mind is sex. Yes, there are many women out there that are just as horny as men. But They DO say that when women have sex with a man, there is a chemical in their body that wants more with that man, or something to that effect. I haven’t that chemical. Basically, I’m up for a little bit of cuddling after the big finish, but as far as one-night stands go, I don’t want to see the dude again. Ever. Thank you, goodbye. I found out this is not a normal reaction for a woman to have when my Rockstar was reading Nikki Sixx’s Heroin Diaries. He brought up a story about Nikki and Tommy doing some girls backstage, and he wondered, “I don’t understand how guys can just meet a girl and 30 seconds later be doing them. For me, it’s easier to get turned on when you get to know her first.” I know. You guys are thinking, Awww, that’s sweet. It IS sweet. But I blurted out, “I don’t know. I guess if somebody wants to fuck me that’s kind of a turn on in itself.” To which he replied, “Yeah, you’re kinda like a dude that way.” Hmm.

That brings me to porn. Porn is super-fun, and lots of girls like it. But for the most part I think girls like the nice fluffy soft porn. I like the gritty pie-in-your-eye porn where the chic is getting reamed in the butt. Although, I guess really I prefer to watch girl-on-girl vids. Also very guy-like.

The next thing I thought of was food. I love to eat. A LOT.  I have never been one of those girls who is watching her figure and will forego yumminess. Bring on the chocolate cake! This quality I have used to make my ex-hubby cringe, as he was 270 lbs, yet I somehow managed to out-eat him anytime we went out. I don’t know if I have worms or what, or maybe I’m just REALLY hungry. Anyhoo, now when I go out to eat with my Rockstar and his Daughter, he knows he can just shove their plates over to me when they are done. What’s  a doggie bag again? So now you are probably thinking, “Damn this bitch must have a fat ass!” I admit I am no skinny-minnie, and I should prolly exercise sometime, but I am proud to say I’m a size 11 and 175 lbs. And you must remember that at least 20 lbs of that is in my bra. Moving on.

Fast cars. (and big trucks) Mainly Mustangs. I honestly think they are the hottest thing there is. I drive through the Ford dealer quite frequently just to get a look at the sexy things. And when I see one at a stoplight, I kick it down just so I can listen to their engine roar. And if I had $60,000, I would have to choose whether I would buy a Shelby Mustang or a beautiful Ford F-350. That is a decision that would be very hard to make. I hear men buy big trucks to compensate for smaller things. I just want one so I can run people over without feeling the thump.

Very closely related: blow-shit-up movies. And action movies in general. I really do like romantic movies. For example, The Princess Bride is my absolute favorite movie of all time. (As you wish!) But a close second is Independence Day. Any movie that involves blowing up aliens is alright by me. And I really liked the Spiderman movies, except for the long drawn-out  love story that they included. And all you girls will hate me for this, but The Notebook was the most obnoxious and nauseating 2 hours I ever wasted. Oh, any time they show boobies in a movie is a plus.

Well, that pretty much sums up my mannish qualities. I have been described as “princess-like”- as in being in need of rescuing, but I can change a tire and drive a stick shift, and my Rockstar was the only one who helped me carry my piano up a flight of stairs. I still love sparkles and ruffly things, but maybe my Man qualities just make it easier for me to be “one of the boys.” And just to prove that I really am a woman, I do not in any way find farting amusing. XOXO

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