Beautifically-Impaired

Hello, My Lovelys! My blog today shall be a little harsh, but I just can’t put it off any longer. I shall be addressing the fact of how unfortunate-looking my Rockstar’s ex is. (the one he has a daughter with, NOT his model ex-wife) I’m not saying this because I harbor a secret vendetta against her, because I don’t; I must mention it simply because I cannot understand how he could have kissed (or MORE-ed) someone who makes me go “Eeesh!” when I look at her. And as they say, “If you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me!”

Last evening was my Rockstar’s Daughter’s first soccer game, or as she put it, “The best day of my LIFE!”. It actually ended up being the night I realized that there are freezing mini-hurricanes in Minnesota, but that’s beside the point. While we were watching the game,(the Daughter was easy to spot on the field because her jersey hung down past her shorts, so she looked like she hadn’t any pants on) her Mom came up around half-time and started watching with us. I have already mentioned in past blogs how accutely curious I am about my Rockstar’s exes, and this one is no exception. I actually got aquainted with her when they were dating about 11 years ago, when I was still dating my not yet Ex-hubby. The only thing I remember about her back then is that she was the oldest person at the party we were at, and a complete Fun-Dud. (I suppose that comes sometimes with age, but thinking about it, she would have been around the age I am now, and I’m the funnest person I know.) I remember my Ex telling me at the time that this woman and my Rockstar started dating because she just started coming over to his house and taking her clothes off. Makes sense to me- after all, he IS a rockstar…

Anyhoo, as we were watching the soccer game, I was more than slightly distracted by this woman, who we will now artlessly call Ugly Ex. Her profile itself was so disturbing, that I began to tune out the game and examine her more closely (and probably not very discreetly.) When I stare at people like this, (which I do quite often, I admit) I try to notice everything about them. Yes, this may seem unconventional, but it’s just one of my things, so there. Have you ever heard of the word jowls? Because in my extensive reading, I have come upon this word quite frequently, mostly describing Henry VIII or Elvis in their later drug-induced years. I have never encountered someone in real life who actually has them, until last night. Ugly Ex has them. The oddest part about this is that she is not really over-weight- in fact, I would say she probably weighs less than me- in her bra, in her hair, in her ass, and anywhere else where a few extra pounds would actually look exceptional. So, aside from the jowls, her facial skin is very ruddy looking, which I suppose may not be able to be helped. As she turned to say something to my Rockstar, I was startled by her teeth, which are quite yellowed (from much smoking and Coca-Cola), and the fact that they are crooked. Remember Jewel’s little snaggle tooth? Imagine that all the way across. Ok, I admit, they are maybe not THAT bad, but I can’t come up with a better example. At that point, I felt I had to look away from her facial area, as I had seen enough, although I will mention that she has a double chin, which I have noticed may carry down slighty to the Daughter, unfortuneatly. Moving down, my eyes slid right past her very flat ass to her feet. Feet are kinda important to me, as I am obsessed with shoes, though I have come across many unpleasant paws in my life. Sadly, this was one of those occassions. Her very gnarly toenails were painted with that sandy brownish color that old ladies wear. By then, I felt I had come to a decision. My Rockstar had better be DAMN happy he’s got me. even if, at times, I AM neurotic.

No, I do not feel threatened by her. I may resent her a bit for having got to have a child with MY Rockstar, but I know he loves me (he never even liked her much- his words). Do not feel bad that I have torn her to pieces, because her looks have not in any way hindered her ability in catching enough men to have spawned three daughters from three different men. I just can’t get over the fact that when I look at her, it makes me go “Eesh!” XOXO

P.S. I just walked by Maurices on the way to work, and their mannequin’s boobies are disturbingly perky.

Exes and Os

This post is for anyone who has ever wondered about a significant other’s ex.

So on my lovely day of doing nothing yesterday, I accindentally on- purpose dug through my Rockstar’s personal junk drawer. Don’t judge me, you know you have done something similiar; YOU are just ashamed to admit it. I have no shame, and I will tell the truth. 🙂 Anyhoo, the intent was just to see if I could find out anything interesting that I didn’t already know about him. As I rifled through this alluring little drawer, I came across the norm- last year’s birthday card from me, a picture of his Daughter fishing, and Ooh! A girl’s phone number, with a note saying she was single again. That was intriguing, as I had never heard the girl’s name before, but I assume she was a one-night stand type of thing. (which my Rockstar doesn’t really find worthy of mentioning.) I kinda wanted to call the number and just say “Hey.” Probing deeper, I found aww, lyrics I had come up with that I told him to write down, (didn’t think he would keep those) and AHA! Something fun! A song he had started writing!!!! Aright, let me get situated. I pulled up a chair and plopped down. The following is a paraphrase, as I don’t exactly remember the lyrics:

“Seems like just yesterday we met,

something about your eyes, (paraphrase)

Now 10 yrs have gone by

And I really think you might have been the one.”

WAIT! This song isn’t about me! What the heck?! Hmmm, I wonder when he wrote this?

I will give a little background here. When he was 22 or so, my Rockstar lived in Texas, where he spent most of his time carousing and carrying on. One night, he was at a bar and saw a girl who “was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.” She was tall, blonde, green-eyed, and big -boobed. He ended up marrying here not long after that. They moved back to South Dakota (where he is originally from) and things proceeded to go downhill from there.  The Blonde dreamed of being a model, and I think realized she couldn’t do that in the plains of SD, and she began taking solace in the arms of a man (men?) NOT her husband. My Rockstar found out and kicked her ass to the curb, and then took her back at one point, as men are wont to do. Anyway, she ended up moving to New York and breaking his heart. She is now a grapic designer/ model that tans too much and bleaches too much and looks like a tranny a little bit.

SO. Here I am reading a song my Rockstar has written NOT about me. Now I believe that feelings that a person has when they are in their 20’s are very vivid and run very deep, so yes, it makes sense that he would have written a song about his broken heart. That in itself is not a cause for concern. But he has never said in so many words that I am pretty, or that he loves me. I do not doubt that he finds me not completely repulsive, as he can get a raging boner at any given time around me, but the fact that he has never said he loves me has been a source of unease for me. Yes, sometimes I can suffer from insecurity- most of the time I think I’m pretty awesome though. Perhaps it’s my insecurity, or maybe it’s just because I like to know stuff about people, but I have asked about this Blonde in the past. (which is how I came to know the lovely story I just told you above)

I have found out that she was a virgin when they met,(which was probably alot of why his heart shattered so bad when she betrayed him) and that she didn’t know how to get herself off until after him. There are other things, of course, but these are the interesting things to me. It is also fascinating to me that she is the complete opposite of me in looks. Don’t guys have a type? Yes, I admit that I chased him a bit, and maybe it was just my stellar personality that hooked him. Who knows. And I am very adept at getting myself off, which also makes me fun in bed, he says. He still affectionately calls her the “lying cheating cunt”, which astounds me as it has been almost 20 yrs.

My question is this. If you have ever been in love and had your heart broken, can it mend enough to love again? And if it does, will the next Love be as deep and fervent as the first? And can I be just a little sulky that he wrote a song about her when he hasn’t written a song about me? Or do I have to break his heart first? Anyway, maybe I shouldn’t have dug through his drawer. XOXO