Storytime

Check out my “F*cked-Up Fairy Tale” Here

A Search Term Story

Instead of dragging you all down with my normal sarcastic responses to the fucked up search terms that bring people my way, I’ve decided to insert them all into a delightful tale that is sure to entertain you all for generations. The search terms will be capitalized and in bold print, so that you will know what my creative mind had to work with. Enjoy! XOXO

Once upon a time, there was a Rockstar who FELL IN LOVE WITH A HISTRIONIC NYMPHO named Sparklebumps. She caught his attention one day when she walked by him on the street and said, “LOOK AT MY FAT ASS!”

He didn’t know how to respond, except to say, “It doesn’t look like PRINCESS LEIA’S ASS IN THE GOLD BIKINI.”

Sparklebumps snorted and said, “Well, you don’t have a CHRIS MELONI BUTT either.”

The Rockstar shrugged and said, “No, but I have a HISTIONIC PENIS that needs alot of attention.”

That was all Sparklebumps needed to hear. She grabbed his SUPERHERO BULGE and whispered sexily into his ear, “Are you ready for the ride of your life, you HORNY HAIRY ASS FUCK ?”

The Rockstar was so turned on by her dirty talk that he wanted to do her right that second, but she pushed him away and said, “Wait, wait! I NEVER WEAR EYESHADOW when I do men. I used to, but when I do, I magically turn into a superhero called BLUE EYESHADOW GIRL .” So she washed her makeup off.

Before they got down to business, Sparklebumps put her hand on the Rockstar’s chest to stop him and asked, “I’m not going to get REBECCA STAMOS X-MEN CROTCH from you, am I?”

Rockstar was confused. “What the heck is that?!”

“It’s the newest STD. Your cootch gets scaly and turns blue.”

The Rockstar waved nonchalantly. “Nah. I’ve only fucked SLUTS IN TRUCKS and they only have diseases like herpes and stuff.”

“Oh. Ok. then.” Sparklebumps the proceeded to administer her a speciality, a CHRIS MELONI BLOWJOB. (That’s a blowjob given with all the enthusiasm usually reserved for good ole’ Chris.)

The Rockstar screamed, “Oh! Oh my! Aaaaah!” when he blew his load, because he was trying to cover up the fact that he normally squealed when he came. Sparklebumps was surprised at his SUPERFICIAL EMOTIONAL RESPONSIVENESS but she was so tired that she fell asleep immediately.

The next morning, the Rockstar woke her up and handed her a sparkly bag.

“What’s this?” Sparklebumps asked sleepily.

“Oh, I give all my WOMEN BITCHES MORNING AFTER GIFTBAGS. I do have to say though, your ass looked pretty damn good in them yoga pants, and you are frickin’ amazing in bed.”

Sparklebumps smiled.

“EVERYONE CHECKS OUT MY ASS IN YOGA PANTS , but as far as amazing- I WAS TOLD I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO WORK at the Bunny Ranch.”

“Well, I disagree. But anyhoo, do you wanna be in my band? It’s called LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER and we write IRANIAN RACIAL EPITHETS .”

“Yeah, man, I’ll be in your band!. I have a great idea for an album title. What do you think about ‘POKING EYES OUT: THE SOCKET DREAM ?’ We can put a phot of my tits on the cover and that would make perfect sense!”

“Awesome! We can sing about the WOMEN WE’VE FUCKED AND MUSTANGS and our lyrics will make people ask themselves, ‘WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO A SLUT ?'”

So LEMONPARTY THEMACUSER hit #1 on the Billboard charts with their hit single, “TEAM DRIVER SUCKBUDDY ” and Sparklebumps mentored an all-girl band named the CHRIS MELONI SEVEN who opened for them on tour.

After making billions, Sparklebumps and her Rockstar bought a castle where they lived happily ever after, and the HISTRIONIC PENIS got more than enough attention.

THE END

 

A True and Sparkly Tale

Once upon a time, there was a land full of happy people with sparkly souls where everyone loved everyone else and no one judged anybody. The King and Queen  gave birth to a daughter they called Glitteratia. Princess  Glitteratia was blessed at her christening with the ability to make people smile, and everyone in the kingdom would go around grinning after going to visit her.

One day, some horrible people called Baptists snuck into the castle and stole Glitteratia from her cradle while she slept. They stole her because they didn’t think it was proper for a child to be raised in a place where it was ok for men to fall in love with other men, and where alcohol flowed freely. So the Baptists raised Glitteratia as their own, brainwashing her to think that sex was Evil, and that no living person would ever look at her again if she had it. The land of Baptists was filled with sad people who when around with furrowed brows who would occassionally find it necessary to confess the sexualized thoughts in front of an entire congregation of Baptists. This is how Glitteratia came to know that she was not one of them, because she lacked the desire to stand up in front of the multitudes and confess her sins.

On her 18th birthday, Glitteratia escaped with her Beany Babies and books and made her way through the wilderness to a sort of Purgatory that was filled with Republicans and just a few Democrats. While this land was not achingly beautiful like the land of her birth, she decided it was far superior to the Baptist land she had escaped from, so she decided to stay for awhile. She started dating a pretty boy who fell madly in love with her (for awhile) and ended up marrying him. The pretty boy had a sister who lacked a personality and insisted on trying to be friends with Glitteratia, even though her lack of personality bothered Glitteratia immensely.

Glitteratia grew depressed in the land of Republicans, because their favorite pasttimes were to go four-wheeling and to shoot deer. They also made a national holiday out of Election Day, and everyone would hunker down in front of the TV do view the results of voting. This is when Glitteratia realized she did not belong.

In the world that is not Glitteratia’s birthplace, people have a name for the sparkly land’s natives personalities. It is called histrionic, and here it is considered a disorder. Glitteratia’s husband was not willing to properly care for her personalitie’s needs and he did not realize that in an act of self-preservation, Glitteratia would leave him in search of someone more capable of giving her attention and appreciating her sparkliness. He was heartbroken, and was never fully healed.

Glitteratia wandered Minnesota until she found her soulmate huddled in an empty apartment all alone. He was called Rockstar, and had been stolen from Glitteratia’s homeland also when he was just a babe. They came together, and were never parted, no matter how many times his Daughter tried to run Glitteratia off. Since Rockstar was older, he had been away from the sparkly land for much longer, and had a hard time finding the sparkliness in his soul. Glitteratia was convinced this is why she found him; so that he can realize his true identity and they can live happily ever after.

Glitteratia now blogs under the psuedonym Sparklebumps.