I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on your inconceivable awesomeness.
Any man who can have a last name that is the same as the world’s most loved breakfast meat and still maintain his utter coolness is a god.
Also, your absolute grotness (hotness with a bit of gross) despite the fact that you have a skeletal face is quite admirable.
I myself cannot name that evasive quality you possess that makes my knees go weak when I watch your movies. Is it the fact that I spent hours upon hours as a child watching you being Footloose and fancy-free? I believe that may have had something to do with it. The fact that you posed as a teenager successfully when you were 26 is quite commendable, too.
I applaud you for your total and unadulterated creepiness in such movies as Trapped, Hollow Man, Sleepers, and…. OK, nevermind; there are too many to name. Let us just say that your film career has landed you in my top 5 list of most creepy actors of all time. This has me wondering if, in fact, you are naturally creepy, and are just using the… gift God has given you? No matter- your disturbing demeanor in no way would deter me from stripping in your presence and jumping your bones. I am proud to annonce that you shall be the first man I think of when I write my first screenplay about a serial killer/rapist/transvestite clown.
Kudos to you, for landing that hot Kyra Sedgewick lady as your wife. She is much more beautiful than you, and I am quite sure people look at you two walking down the street and think, “He must have a giant penis”. (Congrats on that.) I also must compliment you on directing her in the movie Loverboy, which made me acutely aware of the fact that I should NOT procreate; as I would exhibit all the same tendencies as the mother in that movie.
I believe you were appropriately cast as the man Jennifer Aniston engaged in “sex, the really dirty kind” with in Picture Perfect. As I have mentioned, it is very easy to imagine you are the kind of guy who likes to do girls up the butt. (I can imagine you administering a Golden Shower too, for some reason.)
In closing, I would like to ask you a favor. Because of the six degrees of you, Kevin Bacon, I have a pretty good idea that you may be able to hook me up with Christopher Meloni. I would be willing to trade one boob squish for one Chris Meloni. I think that’s quite a fair deal. Thank you.
P.S. Please don’t change the way you are. Your creepiness is perfect on you.