The One Scary Thing In Life

I’d like to quote Maya Angelou and say, “Life doesn’t frighten me, no not at all.”

That would not be a lie.

While I find life to be exhausting at times, and often think that death would be quite romantic, (I never understood how death could frighten people) there’s really nothing to fear from life.

Well, I mean besides for answering phones, and venturing into unfamiliar businesses, and telling your Rockstar to his face exactly how you’re feeling. But nevermind about that.

I do not fear heights, or water, (even though I cannot swim) or snakes, (I wish to have a managerie of them one day) or spiders. (OK, that may be a bit of a fib.) I do not fall into hysterics when I glimpse a clown, and I quite enjoy rollercoasters. Since I moonlight as a superhero, I don’t even have a fear of flying. All of these are the most common of phobias, yet I face this list and simply say, “Pshaw”. (Which means oh, shit)

Perhaps it is the overly-zealous religious upbringing I had, and I’m sure all you Athiests will burst into incredulous guffaws, but demons scare the livin’ bejesus outta me.

You would think this would keep me from watching every exorcism-based movie that comes out.

(Pun intended) Hell, no.

IT is BECAUSE of my religious background that these movies enthrall me so. I also find it quite interesting that only Catholic people seem to get possessed.

I’ve just gotten done freaking myself out by watching The Devil Inside, a Blair Witch-like faux-cumentary. I must say that despite critic reviews, I found it to be pleasingly terrifying. I’m sorry, but who does NOT get chills by listening to the multi-languaged ramblings of pluralized demon voices coming from an unexpected female body? While true exorcisms are not allowed to be filmed, and I really have no intention or desire to witness one, it is easy to believe that such horrific happenings occur. (For me, anyway. You athiests may be less trusting.) Perhaps it is my childlike faith, (or my foolish gullibility) that makes me believe so.

According to what I have been taught, no demon’s gonna get me, ’cause I believe in God.

I wonder why that doesn’t work for the Catholics?

Yes, I realize that being robbed at knifepoint or threatened with an armed weapon could be just as terrifying as speaking in tongues while writhing around in unnatural positions. But believe me when I say that there is still a possibility of kicking a thug in the balls while he’s trying to rape you. What’r’ya gonna do to the Devil’s assistant when he’s IN you? Feed him?

You all probably think I’m nuts.

But let me point out something.

Just because you don’t believe in the demons, doesn’t make them not real.

And when you get possessed by Azazael or Beelzebub or some other ancient spirit named Legion, don’t be pissed when I told you so.

Just please don’t pass them on to me.

Lust Incarnate

There aren’t many people who haven’t heard of Lucifer; the whole story of how he got a God complex and was thrown out of  Heaven with his minions is pretty well- known.

A lot of people wonder, “What would make an angel ignore all the perfection of heaven enough to get cast out for all eternity by a forgiving God?”  Believe me. I’ve been asking myself that same question ever since God decided He didn’t want me there anymore, either. See, what people don’t realize is that Lucifer and his buddies aren’t the only ones that got banished from Heaven- they’re just the only ones who got any publicity.

People call me Zu, but my real name is Pharzuph.

I can’t say that I’m completely unrecognized. You’ll find me mentioned in the angelology texts as the fallen angel of fornication and lust. Hey, it could be worse. I’d rather be known as a whore than be stuck ruling a burning lake of fire, wouldn’t you?  I guess you can probably figure out now what got me kicked out of Kingdom Come.

Anyway, I guess God had a little soft spot for me, because he didn’t send me straight to Hell. Instead, I’m stuck here in this shithole of  reality called New York City. On the plus side, I get to do what I do best. To clear things up, I’m a high-class escort, not a two-dollar hooker. Like there’s a difference. The only distinction between the two is soap and a couple hundred bucks.

Check back for more of Zu’s story! XOXO

If I Was God

The question has been posed numerous times throughout the history of the world concerning the “whys”  of God. Now let me ask you something- Does the being who created everything need a reason to fuck with people? I think not.

This got me to thinking. What would I do if I was God?

First of all, I would never have given humans free choice. Now, I’m not saying God made a mistake with that one, but why mess with perfection? You see what happens when people are left to their own devices. People try destroying infidels by flying planes into buildings and women tempt men into eating fruit. Perhaps I would have given free choice to people and then just blown everybody up every hundred years or so when shit got really bad…

Since I’m kind of a bitch, I’d probably strike people dead with lightening at various intervals when I was bored. After an eternity of having absolute power, I’m quite certain just sitting around watching  the idiots of the world running around like, well, idiots would be quite dull unless you were screwing with people every now and again. I’m quite certain there would be many more “natural” disasters too.

One of the things that would be completely different is that the only people I would bless with children would be the ones that wanted them in the first place. None of this “accidental pregnancy” shit. Oh, yes, I realize that “oops” pregnancies may at times change people into better beings, however, I think it more often than not ends in instances of unacceptable parenting behavior. And I REALLY really tired of seeing people who shouldn’t have kids sporting an entire brood of younglings.

I also would deem it necessary to  bring back awesome creatures like unicorns and dinosaurs. Dinosaurs are frickin’ awesome, man! After I Jurassic Park-ed the entire world,  I’d just sit back and watch to see if any kid brought a stray baby T-rex home. THAT would be interesting.

While I’m on the subject of living things, I must mention that mosquitoes would NOT be among them. Woodticks, too. I don’t think any child needs to worry themselves to death over whether they will get Lyme’s disease or West Nile like I did when I was a kid. There was an entire summer when I refused to enter the outdoors after Lyme’s disease was discovered. What a waste…. And as much as I’d like to do away with arachnids, I realize some of them prove useful, so Charlotte and her other spider friends would be safe.

I would also make sure that there were many less ugly people around. I’d keep a few here and there so the beautiful people would still have something to make fun of, but for the most part, I just don’t feel that the world benefits more from having asthetically non-pleasing people, so I’d just make sure everyone turned out gorgeous.

Because I believe in corporal punishment, and everything would be all about me if I were God, (hmm, odd that me being a non-deity doesn’t affect that fact now) unbelief and defiance would be dealt with swiftly and harshly. As in- you’d better believe, bitches, or I’ll smite you down!

Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not God…

P.S. The main thing I would do would be to make everyone love one another. Just think- if hate had never existed in the world, you wouldn’t even know what it was, so you wouldn’t even miss it.

The Story of Jonah- A Translation

So awhile back I was inspired to translate the 10 commandments for the common fol who perhaps don’t know how to speak King James. Here’s the story of Jonah, which I chose because I got to hear it at church on Sunday:

So Jonah was kickin’ back  having a beer, when God spoke to him, saying, “Alright, Dude, listen up. I want you to go to Ninevah and tell them about Me. The people there are pissin’ me right off and I’m going to blow the shit outta them if they don’t repent.”

Jonah thought to himself, “Fuck that shit. Ninevah is Crime Central. If I go there, I’ll prolly get ass-raped, or someone will steall all my beer money.”

So Jonah decided to ignore God and got on a ship headed in the opposite direction.

That pissed God off, and He thought, “What the fuck, Jonah? I’m the boss here. I’ll show you what happens when you don’t do what I say, dumbass.”

So God created a huge strom, and the seamen (heehee, I said semen!) freaked out because they thought they were all going to die. They found Jonah taking a nap downstairs and kicked him, saying, “Get up, you fucker! What are ya thinkin’? Get busy praying so we don’t have a Titanic incident.”

Jonah  said, “Aw shit, dudes. This storm is my fault.”

Then the seamen (haha!) were like, “Well waht are we gonna do with you?”

Jonah shrugged. “Well, God’ll prolly stop this storm if you guys throw me overboard…”

The seamen liked Jonah, so they didn’t really want to toss him into the sea, but they didn’t want to die either, so they did.

Then God sent a huge fish to swallow Jonah whole, and Jonah had to sit in the stinky rank-pussy smelling fish belly for three days.

While gagging from the smell, Jonah prayed to God. “God, I fucked up. Seriously, dude, if you get me outta here, I will do whatever you say, because

it reeks pretty bad in here.

God was listening, and He made the fish up-chuck. With a giant belch, the fish threw up and Jonah was tossed with a bunch of algae and shit onto dry land.

“Are you gonna do what I told you to now, you little shit?” God said to Jonah.

“Yes! I don’t wanna go through all that shit again, do I?” So Jonah went to Ninevah and yelled at all the people- “Listen up! Quit your whoring around and your gambling and whatnot, or God’s gonna wipe you out!” All the people saw what a wreck Jonah was, and they could smell him from a mile away, so they figured he was telling the truth. So they put on really bad clothes and repented, and God didn’t kill ’em all.

The End

There’s No One Quite Like Dolly

It may not surprise my regular readers to find out that I find Dolly Parton to be utterly and absolutely amazing. No, this is not simply a silly celebrity idolization- I have read the woman’s bio and her view on life is so similiar to mine that it’s almost scary. I will admit, I loved her long before I ever read about her; after all, who doesn’t love a talented woman who accessorizes her ginormous boobage in rhinestones and wears too much makeup?

Dolly states that her three passions in life are God, music, and sex. Anyone who puts God and sex in the same sentence and does not apologize for it is worthy of applause in my book. Incidentally, God, sex, and books are my passions….not necessarily in that order.

I will admit that Dolly’s singing voice is not enviable. However, her song-writing abilities make up for that, and her crazy wanna-be-a-star ambition must needs be admired.

One of the estimable characteristics Dolly possesses is that she will never say anything bad about anyone. (This is something I think that I will never have) And even though she’s almost 70, she is still beautiful to me.

Now that my Dolly Lovefest is done, I shall leave you with a few of my favorite quotes from her:

“You’d be surprised how much money it takes to look this cheap.”

“My weaknesses have always been food and men, not necessarily in that order.” (Umm, I understand, Dolly. I do.)

“I modelled my look on the town tramp.”

P.S. I think I shall adopt Dolly’s thinking on excessive boobage- “If God didn’t want people looking, he wouldn’t have given them to me.” 🙂

 

The Tree

To escape the Evil giving chase,

I climbed the only tree I could see.

When my hands wrapped around it’s ridged branches

it enclosed it’s shelter close around me.

How could I feel

anything other than safe

when the breath fo God, His Love,

surrounds me in this Given Place?

The Hounds of Hell are yet

snapping at my heels;

but holy Love, and Peace, and Laughter

extinguish any horror that I feel.

What Joy I feel! What Euphoria and Bliss!

The wooden limbs part,

as Sun bestow’s Heaven’s kiss.

The Ten Commandments: A Translation

While sitting in church today, I decided to compose a little sermon. Having spent a great deal of time in church in my life, I am well aware of the dangers of a boring sermon. So here is an attempt to translate the ten commandments in a completely non-dull way that is easy to understand:

1. Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.

Obviously this is God talking here. Basically He means, quit idolizing Kim Kardashian, because she is not going to kick your ass if you like God more than her.

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

Statues of Kim Kardashian are not permitted either.

3.Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

God doesn’t appreciate it when you spout pointless phrases such as “Jesus fuckin’ Christ” and “God damn you.” If God wants to damn someone, He can do it without you telling Him to. He wishes you to only speak His name in honoring ways, such as “Hey God, what’s up?” and “You are one cool dude, Lord.”

4. Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it holy.

Take a day off every week. But don’t be a lazy slob the rest of the week.

5. Honor thy Father and thy Mother.

Even though you may not agree with your dad when he’s giving a pounding to you, God expects you to smile and nod. However, I don’t really think a “thank you” is necessary.

6. Thou shalt not kill.

Blowing people up and chopping their heads off is out.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

I looked up the definition of adultery just to make sure I didn’t give you falsified information.

Adultery: .noun, plural -ter·ies.

Def. voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse.

No fucking around with a married person- unless you are the spouse of said married person.

There are many people who believe having sex without marriage is adultery. To those people I say, “Na-na-na-na-NA-na.”

8.Thou shalt not steal.

If you want something that’s not yours, you must buy or trade for it. No freebies unless noted.

9Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

This is usually translated as “Lying is not allowed.” What that means is- God is listening when you tell your girlfriend she’s the only one you look at and imagine naked; also, remain silent when she asks, “Does this make me look fat?”

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house.

If you are rich, this probably won’t be a problem for you, as you will have your own nice abode, but basically, don’t be jealous when your friends have it better than you.

 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.

This was nice of God to include all sexual preferences in this one. He means, it’s best not to lust after your aquaintance’s old lady, even if she looks like Jessica Alba; or for that matter, don’t lust after his servants or his livestock either. Keep you pants on and get your own shit.

Disclosure: All commandments have been taken from the King James Version of the Holy Bible. All translations have been taken from Sparklebumps’ brain, and therefore have not been meant to offend any person or persons that read them. The language used in this post was to help lay-people understand what is expected of them. Though she believes she has a friend in Jesus, she in no way is denouncing any beliefs that her reader’s may have that differ from hers. God expects us to love everybody and to leave the judgeing business up to him. So there.

 

Yes, I CAN Do Anything. So There.

Happy Sunday, Lovelys.  As a reformed back-slidden Christian, it is my duty to bring praise to the Lord by tickling the ivories at church. Parenthetically, I happen to get paid to do this. This may seem uncharitable, but I assure you, they would be overwrought without me. The church I play at has been my Grandma’s church since I was very young, and frankly, the congregation largely consists of people my Grandma’s age. Which means every week I get to play for very non-musical individuals who are about ready for dirt naps. So I jazz up the hymns and try to bring a bit of life back into the church.

Sunday tends to be either a day of great joy or one of utter irritation. I have been pianist at the church for 6 yrs or so, and during the extent of my marriage, my hubby never once set foot inside with me. Needless to say, I was thrilled when my Rockstar offered to go with me after we moved past the Fuck Buddy stage. Unfortuneately, the church is 70 miles away from home, so I soon realized he was not exactly ecstatic to waste half his Sunday driving (especially during football season). Oh, well. At least he comes sometimes.

Now I know that believing in Jesus makes you happy, because when I leave church, I am always in high spirits. I suppose this is mostly due to the fact that everyone there is generous with their compliments about my playing, and my shoes, and my hair…. I DO love attention, you know. And where in the Bible does it say you can’t be fashionable at church? Anyhoo, moving on.

When I was very young (to quote A.A. Milne), my auntie lived in a beautiful old Victorian house right a block away from church. I was too young to really remember much about it, except that I remember coloring in a Pac-Man coloring book on my cousin’s floor. They moved out of the house because my uncle believed it needed more work than he wanted to put into it. My Auntie has ever since resented him a little bit for making her sell her beautiful house. The people that moved in after that bought it for $399,000.

A few months ago, my Auntie was delighted to tell me that the house was for sale. The people who had lived in it had lost it, and the bank listed it for $149,000. Half the price it sold for before. As my Rockstar and I live in an apartment, I decided that we must buy it. Too bad I have crap credit (damn Victoria’s Secret) and make $8.50 an hr. My Rockstar looked at the house and said, “why would anyone want that?! It’s a million years old. It would cost a fortune to heat and fix up.” Well, he is kind of a No Man and can be very negative sometimes. Blah on him. Maybe it’s because I have childhood memories of the house, or maybe it’s because it has an awesome room for a library, but I must have it, and I don’t care if it needs work, because I have always wanted to learn how to tile and roof and carpenter. I was somewhat disheartened with his attitude, and my credit is so bad, that I didn’t really think anymore of it. Since then, the price has come down $30,000 and I have decided that I am too damn stubborn to not get what I want. Yes, the house will probably sell before I ever get a chance to make enough money to buy it, but I will do whatever it takes to get it. I am going tomorrow  to sell a bunch of crap that I don’t really use anyway, and I have applied at a few places, so that I can have a 2nd job to pay off my debt and come up with a down payment. Yes, the house is far away from my job, but I’ll worry about that when and if the time comes. I DO believe anything is possible- you just have to figure out a way, and trust in God. So wish me luck; maybe I will have to sell everything I own in order to buy it, but DAMN IT, it’s my dream house, and if my Rockstar is nice I may let him live in it with me when I buy it. (which he says he won’t, so too bad for him.) XOXO