You have no idea how I have come to dread these words.
No, it is not because I despise his child, or because I have a crippling phobia of school grounds (although groups of kids scare the BeJesus out of me). No, it is for the simple reason that the last 3 or 4 times I’ve taken his daughter to school, I’ve had to hear this repeated in various and still-hurtful ways- “Everything was better BEFORE you were around. Why don’t you go live somewhere ELSE!” Yes, a 9 year old can hurt my feelings.
My Rockstar’s Daughter does not despise me either, but I’m beginning to wonder if she suffers from bi-polar disorder. This morning was a prime example of why I suspect so.
I am NOT a morning person. Honestly, I could probably say I am not even a PERSON in the morning. I more closely resemble that scary Excorcist chic (when she was possessed) or any other frightening monster you only wish to meet never. So getting a kid up and ready for school in the morning is decidedly not my favorite thing to do. Luckily, I got laid last night, so I wasn’t in quite as terrible of a mood. Normally it takes every fiber of my being to retain my morning angst to narrowing my eyes at any unfortunate soul who happens to pass by. This morning, the Daughter woke up, got ready, and proceeded to ogle me as I slapped on my normal poundage of make-up. (I wear make-up as an accessory only- there’s no reason to cover up my face). Traditionally, being so inspected irks me, but this morning I simply asked the Daughter if she wanted her hair done. She requested curls, so off I went, posing as a hairdresser.
On the way to school, she rambled on about age, and how funny it was that I am now 30, my Rockstar is 40, and she shall be 10. She asked when her dad’s birthday was, and informed me that she was thinking of saving her money to buy him a black-and-white guitar for his 41st. The following is the conversation we had after that statement.
Me: That’s very fun. Maybe I can throw in some money for that if you let me put the name on the card?
Me: I was actually thinking of buying him a gold guitar for Christmas; you could help me buy that instead if you want, and we could give it to him together.
(I do not really know what possessed me to tell her the following- the only thing I can think is that I was so thrilled to be NOT hearing how I should move to another continent.)
Me: Do you want to know a secret?
Her: (perking up) YES! Tell me!
Me: I will, but you must promise NOT to tell ANYONE. I mean, ANYONE.
Her: Ok, I won’t.
Me: Pinky swear? (as any smart person knows, this is the most important binding oath)
Her: Pinky swear. (we actually shook on it.)
Me: So I’ve been thinking, if I give Daddy a guitar for Christmas, that I might ask him to marry me. (To be clear, the guitar is supposed to replace an engagement ring, and if I am to do the proposing, I will do it in style.)
Her: (eyes widening) ( and silence- but a smile working it’s way to her face)
Me: DON’T tell ANYONE!
Her: I’m going to tell Daddy! (I was afraid of this)
Me: NO! YOU CANNOT! You pinky swore!
Her: Ok, I won’t.
Me: But you never know, he might say no. So maybe I won’t ask.
Her: Well, I should tell him he should ask YOU.
Me: That would be preferred. But you can’t tell him I had anything to do with it.
Her: I could just ask him if he likes LIKES you, and then he could say yes or no. And then if he says yes, I would say, “Well, you should marry Sparklebumps, because she is a very nice woman. And she is poor.” (True, but I’m not exactly sure why this should matter, as we are not living in the 18th century.)
Me: (laughing) Yes, I suppose you could say that.
Her: I asked someone to marry me once.
Me: Oh? And what did he say?
Her: He didn’t say anything, because he was a gingerbread man. Will you make me a gingerbread man someday?
Me: Yes, of course.
Her: I have a secret. But you can’t tell ANYBODY.
Me: Ok, I won’t unless you tell my secret. Then I’m allowed to tell yours.
Her: Ok. (leaning in to whisper) I’m half human and half werewolf.
All I can say is this ride to school was infinitely better than the last few. Even if I DID have to share secrets with a werewolf girl.
P.S. XOXO to everyone who read my blog this weekend! I was more popular than ever!