For my post title, I was going to steal the title from a Sex and the City episode, but that would border on plagiarism, so I put the English version of it. 🙂 Tricky me. No this post is NOT about S&M, and how I liked to get spanked,(god, you have no idea!) but about the fact that I have a new pair of “tallest shoes”, and how I am sure to be a cripple by the time I’m 50.
I suppose my first pair of heels were the chunky Mary Janes my fashionable friends convinced me to buy when I was 16. They were so beautiful; little flowers were embroidered along the toe and down the heel, and I wore them until they broke. (Sad day.) I have not stopped buying heels since. The height of my addiction was when I kept paying off my Victoria’s Secret card, and they conveniently kept raising my credit limit, and happened to mail me a new shoe catalogue at least twice a week. (Bastards!) $2800 later, my good credit score is replaced with 13 pairs of fabulous shoes that I, in no way, can use as collateral in buying a house. Victoria took away my credit card, but I have figured out other ways to feed my obsession.
I get the most notice of my shoes at church, and no Sunday is complete without a white-haired elderly person exclaiming, “Oh! Look at your shoes! How can you walk in those! My feet would be killing me!” I assure them that my feet do not suffer (much) because I take my shoes off while I’m at the piano, and only extensive hours in said shoes cause discomfort.
On the way to visit my brother, I accidentally (on purpose) stopped at a store to look for a new pair of heels. After all, it’s been over a month since I’ve bought a pair… Anyhoo, I walked in and my eyes were immediately drawn to a pair of 6″ leopard-print booties with patent leather heels (Hallelujah! I have seen the light!) I rushed to them and tried them on, admiring them as I sauntered back and forth in front of the store’s little shoe mirrors. I looked at the price tag- $22.98?! What madness is this?! A breathtaking pair of shoes for under $30?! I restrained myself from buying 3 other pairs of shoes, (becuase I don’t need my Rockstar’s Daughter saying again, “You bought ANOTHER pair of shoes? I don’t think Dad wants that many shoes in his closet.”) And I glided out to my car with my purchase and proceeded to decorate my feet with my new shoes. I then was off to my brother’s.
During the day, my brother and I ventured to a few stores, and ended up at my fave, Half-Priced Books. At each stop we made, I looked down at my new shoes and thought, “They are so PRETTY! I can’t stop looking at them!” and the Click click click of my stillettos as I walked through stores sent a chill straight to my nether-regions. Now I will tell you a secret.
What no one will mention about high heels is that they are really meant for fashion shoot photos only. As in, minimal walking required. Because after 2 or 3 hours of standing, walking, or running in heels, a person’s back begins to bunch up, their legs begin to spasm, and their feet (if feet had voices) begin to scream, “You bitch!!! Your killing me!” I am convinced every woman that’s worn heels for an entire day would concur. Back to my story.
As I was click click clicking my way through the bookstore, I noticed that my feet were beginning to ache. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, trying to alleviate the pain, but to no avail. At one point, I even sat on the floor of the store, using the excuse that I was looking at the Larry McMurtry books on the bottom shelve.( It’s true) As we left, my brother walked ahead of me to the car as I stumbled along in my 6″ torture devices, trying desperately to keep up the appearance that my shoes were fucking fabulous. When we arrived back at his house, I let out a huge sigh of relief when I unzipped my new booties and flung them away from me.
Yes, how silly of me to keep buying shoes that after a few hours of wearing feel as though I’m walking on sharpened bowie knives. However, as any masochist, I am addicted to the equisite pain of showing off gorgeous shoes, and when I am forced to cruise around in a scooter because of the extensive damage my heel wearage has caused to my body, I will continue to make a fashion statement.