Tag Archives: Jennifer Aniston

And the Oscar for Making Their Boobage Disappear Goes To…


All I can say is a non-intelligent sounding text acronym: “WTF?!?!??!”

I, like billions of other individuals throughout the world, tuned in to watch the Oscars last night. Actually, after a heated discussion about whether to forego this week’s episode of the Walking Dead in order to watch the Oscars, my Rockstar somewhat unwillingly tuned in. (Boobs win, y’all.)

My Rockstar and I have made a habit of watching the beginning of red-carpet awards shows so as to comment between ourselves on the amazing fashion sense (or lack thereof) of famed and sometimes not so famed celebutants. We have jokingly agreed that we should replace Joan and Melissa with our very honest and sometimes harsh own fashion police show. Last night was no exception.

At the beginning of the evening, I thought perhaps it was only a fluke that the three Jennifers (Garner, Lawrence, and Aniston) were all wearing questionable gowns. Do not misunderstand- all three of their gowns were absolutely amazing, except for one huge (or not huge) thing. All three women looked as though they had suffered a mastectomy before donning their designer duds. It’s true, Jennifer Aniston is not the bustiest of celebrities, but I’m quite certain more than one lonely man sitting at home has jacked off to her quite acceptable B-cups when she was portraying Rachel. However, that Garner chic (who I always considered to be gorgeous until I noticed last night that Ben Affleck must have run her through the ringer) has had quite lovely cleavage in the past, and is not the fact that J. Lawrence not a skinny mini what makes her appealing?

I continued watching in hopes that maybe the designers were only playing such tricks on girls named Jennifer. Sadly, it seems the fad for this year was making voluptuous actresses appear waif-like and un-endowed. Anne Hathaway, (who’s lovely knockers rival my own) Renee Zellweger, (who only had titties to speak of really as Bridget Jones) and Reese Witherspoon (who’s demi-cut dress even made my Rockstar go “WTF?!” ) all seemed to be channeling Audrey Hepburn. Don’t get me wrong- Audrey’s lack of boobage has always been greatly admired by me- so much so that during my anorexic days, I seethed at the fact that my ever-present hooters did not diminish to miniscule Audrey size. However, NONE of these women have Audrey-esque Love Warts. In fact, the only person who’s cleavage was almost perceptible to the naked eye was Nicole Kidman. (A surprising fact, considering that even though I’ve actually seen naked boobs on her in past films, she has none to speak of.)

When did flat-chested come back in style? It’s true, high fashion caters to women who are not blessed in the breast department, but I think Jennifer Aniston’s gorgeous red ball gown would have been even just a little bit more gorgeous if it had been cut in such a way to let her Girls breathe. I’ve come up with the perfect solution…

Someone needs to get me an invitation to next year’s Oscars, and I promise there will be enough cleavage to make up for what we missed this year. 🙂

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Dear Kevin Bacon…


Dear Kevin Bacon,

I would like to take this moment to congratulate you on your inconceivable awesomeness.

Any man who can have a last name that is the same as the world’s most loved breakfast meat and still maintain his utter coolness is a god.

Also, your absolute grotness (hotness with a bit of gross) despite the fact that you have a skeletal face is quite admirable.

I myself cannot name that evasive quality you possess that makes my knees go weak when I watch your movies. Is it the fact that I spent hours upon hours as a child watching you being Footloose and fancy-free? I believe that may have had something to do with it. The fact that you posed as a teenager successfully when you were 26 is quite commendable, too.

I applaud you for your total and unadulterated creepiness in such movies as Trapped, Hollow Man, Sleepers, and…. OK, nevermind; there are too many to name. Let us just say that your film career has landed you in my top 5 list of most creepy actors of all time. This has me wondering if, in fact, you are naturally creepy, and are just using the… gift God has given you? No matter- your disturbing demeanor in no way would deter me from stripping in your presence and jumping your bones. I am proud to annonce that you shall be the first man I think of when I write my first screenplay about a serial killer/rapist/transvestite clown.

Kudos to you, for landing that hot Kyra Sedgewick lady as your wife. She is much more beautiful than you, and I am quite sure people look at you two walking down the street and think, “He must have a giant penis”. (Congrats on that.) I also must compliment you on directing her in the movie Loverboy, which made me acutely aware of the fact that I should NOT procreate; as I would exhibit all the same tendencies as the mother in that movie.

I believe you were appropriately cast as the man Jennifer Aniston engaged in “sex, the really dirty kind” with in Picture Perfect. As I have mentioned, it is very easy to imagine you are the kind of guy who likes to do girls up the butt. (I can imagine you administering a Golden Shower too, for some reason.)

In closing, I would like to ask you a favor. Because of the six degrees of you, Kevin Bacon, I have a pretty good idea that you may be able to hook me up with Christopher Meloni. I would be willing to trade one boob squish for one Chris Meloni. I think that’s quite a fair deal. Thank you.

XOXO,

Sparklebumps

 

P.S. Please don’t change the way you are. Your creepiness is perfect on you.

 

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