#1. Open-mouthed chewing and/or loud eating habits- absolutely without a doubt the most obnoxious habit in the ENTIRE world. There is nothing more irritating than having to listen to someone smack their lips while eating their dill-pickle-flavored chips. When finally they are done chewing and have swallowed, the agony begins again with another handful. Popcorn is especially obnoxious, as well. I can think of nothing worse than to be seated at a table with people of this sort and to be unable to smother them with a loaf of bread when they so unwittingly offend me so. Sadly, it seems to be my lot in life to be surrounded by people that refuse to chew with their mouths closed.
#2. Lazy people- I detest people who are simply to lazy to do what is required of them. This usually manifests itself at a job, but if you are too lazy to clean the cat shit out of the litter box at home- that pisses me off too. I admit that I am a complete lazy fucker- AFTER the house is clean and there is nothing else to be done. At work, I have my moments of utter slackerism, but for the most part, I’m there to work, not to hear about your stupid fight with your stupid boyfriend because you’re too stupid to dump his stupid ass.
#3 Stupid people- I would like to think that God didn’t deem it necessary to make stupid people. Unfortuneately, this thought is glaringly absurd when I find myself surrounded by morons. I try to be nice to the ones who don’t know any better, but the ones that are stupid on purpose? That is just not acceptable.
#4 Taylor Swift- I don’t even want to talk about it.
#5 People who cannot control their children- these and the Stupid People are sometimes one in the same. I do not find it remotely acceptable when your child is screaming “Shut up!” or “No, I won’t!” when I am going about my business. I do not like to be run into by the child that is running rampant through a store while their parent is gazing on in a dim-witted fashion. I believe that these parents should be sterilized and their children shipped off to a deserted island where man-eating gators flourish.
#6 Fuckerhead Drivers- the definition of these people encompasses many things. The person who is driving too slow when I can’t pass them; the person who is driving to slow because they are on the phone; the person who is driving to slow because they suck ass. Generally, the drivers who won’t get the fuck outta my way.
#7 People who scream at their kids- if you didn’t want them, you shouldn’t have had them. That’s all I have to say about that.
#8 Muffin tops- buy some pants that fit, yo. The excess fat you have hanging over your pants makes you look fat, even though you’re skinny, and it makes me so mad.
#9 Corn Nuts- you might as well say, “Pass the bag of noisy-to-eat bits of crap that smell like vomit and the bottom of my toilet, please.”