Pornstar Status

You’ve missed me, haven’t you?

It’s ok. You don’t have to admit it. I know that truth.

Anyhoo, I apologize that your last week has been mostly completely devoid of Sparklebumps entertainment. You know what they say- Misery loves company. Yes, I do.  So my intent is to make you as miserable as I.

Just kidding! I loves you all and want you to be happy! It’s not YOUR fault I suck at making basic life decisions, and so I shall drag myself out of bed to write a post that will (it is hoped) brighten your day.

I’ve always dreamed of being a Porn Star. While this urge has mostly remained in my subconcious, it’s always been there a little bit. Ever since my used-to-be-friend and I found her dad’s stash of Playboys.

I believe my desire to be a world famous Porn Queen stems from my histrionic personality disorder and the fact that I want everyone to look at me! Look at me!!!!! If I think this through a little more, I would actually throw a robe on if everyone was looking at me naked and scream, “Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me!”

I must say though, I believe I would be a huge hit if I ever were to film my sexual deviances for public consumption. (Even bigger than that Kardashian chic.) There would be none of that fake orgasming shit while screaming, “Oh god, oh yeah, right there, baby, fuck me good.Aghhhhhhh!” No. That shit pisses me right off. My sex scenes would harbor only true and legitimate cummings, accompanied by my true and legitimate orgasm squeaking. (Shut up. I can’t help it. And anyway, people seem to like it, so there.)

I would also make sure to only star in porn that carries a well-written story line and stars people with stellar acting abilities. I realize this is generally not the prerequisite for skin flicks, but it should be, dammit. Wouldn’t a movie about a Princess who is forced to be a sex slave while trying to save her country from anarchy be much more interesting than a copier-machine repair man accidentally sticking his boner into the secretary’s ass when she drops that memo onto the floor?

You may be wondering what has inspired today’s post.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a little post entitled Anal Glands, Shrimp Scampi, and Gene Simmons. A few days later I was browsing through my spam and saw that this post had been linked to another website. Being the insanely curious woman that I am, I clicked on the link (though I’ve been told that clicking on spam is a bad thing) and my eyes were immediately met with the sight of a girl bent over get drilled by another girl with a dildo. How thrilled do you think I was when I saw that my post made it on to the Strippers for your Desktop website?  I didn’t even realize this was something I was aiming for.

Actually, I must admit, at first I was completely appalled that my superior writing skills were being linked to porn sites (what would my church family say?), but after the initial shock wore off, I just shrugged and thought, “What the hell? There really is no such thing as bad publicity…”

I have since decided that if the whole “real” writing thing doesn’t work out, I shall be able to become famous by writing daily about anal glands. Maybe someday there could even be a Sparklebumps Channel  that only airs well-written porn starring Yours Truly.

What I Have To Say

So, I decided to be a bit less creative today and go with an autotopic that popped out at me. Here it is:

If you had the attention of the entire world for two minutes, what would you say?

Since the idea of being seen by the entire world appeals to my histrionic personality disorder, of course I had to take this topic and run with it. However, since two minutes is not a very long time, I decided I would have to talk very fast in order to get everything I would have to say in. While some of it is perhaps not super profound, I am willing to pass out copies of my speech to the presidents of the world if they are so inclined to strive for world peace. Here we go:

To all women, men, children, trannies, and monsters,

It is my hope that all the people of the world can unite and quit being judgemental cocksuckers. While I do not condone killing, I believe war to be an essential evil, if only to protect innocent people from being murdered. To those of you who do not support War, I urge you to move to a different country where freedom is more easily won. Unfortuneately, you don’t have alot of choices there, do you? I DO wish that everyone could be brought home safe, but by not supporting the war, you are essentially belittling what the men and women of our Armed Forces are giving their lives for, which is just shitty of you.

To all politicians and voters, I believe it would be beneficial to the U.S. to eliminate the parties of Republican and Democrat, because the ridiculousness with which you all conduct yourselves is embarrassing. Being President or Senator are jobs that should be taken seriously, and should NOT be done with the intentions of pursuing your own personal agenda. For this reason , I believe politician should be paid “normal people” wages, so all the greedy fuckerheads would be weeded out and the remaining candidates would be there because they actually CARE about our countries future. On that note, I do not think 2 years of political commercializing is necessary; if you have noticed, everybody knows about Kim Kardashian and that whole clusterfuck, which only took 72 or so days. Politicians just need to hire better publicists.

To those who don’t approve of gays, lesbians, bi- or transgender people I say, unless you have been in their shoes, you cannot judge, and God says to love everybody. They just want to love and be loved, exactly like everybody else, and what people do in their own bedrooms is their OWN business, so why are you making it yours?

To people who don’t read I say. You should really read, because no matter what you read, you will be a little less moronic. You will always learn something from a book, and that’s never a bad thing.

Everyone every day needs to take a moment out of their busy lives and just chill, and notice the beautiful world in which we live. If it’s not beautiful where you live, think of the beautiful people that you know.

The last thing I have to say is love. If you all treat every person you meet like your brother, (assuming that you like your brother) the world will be a better place, so the next time you see someone that needs help, help them if you can. The next time you see someone that needs a hug, hug them, because they might be me. And hugs always make me feel better.

P.S. And something really needs to be done about Taylor Swift.