Tag Archives: Kristen Stewart

Casting Agent Fail


I’ve just been to the movies.

I went to see Snow White and the Huntsman.

Given my inclination toward all things fairy tale and princess- related, you would think I’d be ecstatic right now.

I would be, except for one little casting mistake that was quite impossible to ignore.

Kristen Stewart was playing Snow White.

I could go on and on about the imagination it took to create such a magical masterpiece as I have just witnessed. The CG effects and action scenes rival those of Avatar. I could rave about the utter gorgeousness of Charlize Theron as the Wicked Queen, and the chilling effect her crazed-for-power eye bugginess had on my soul. I could babble deliriously over the rugged overly-handsome guy who played Thor who’s name I don’t know, and mention how sexy it was to hear him utter my favorite line- “Once upon a time.” Sadly, all of this cannot not make up for the disturbing and disgusting choice some must-be-insane completely mentally-handicapped fucktard made when he decided Kristen Stewart could ruin his entirely otherwise-perfect movie.

It is true I may have been slightly poisoned against Kristen during my temporary insanity days when I had to watch the Twilight movies. Don’t get me wrong. She was perfectly cast as the mousy personality-devoid Bella Swan. There was nothing she could do to make a limpid tiresome character less so. In fact, she seemed to have known this, because she did nothing including acting when she was getting paid to star in that squalid series. But I’m not talking about that anymore.

First of all, if you look back on your childhood storytime days, you may recall the fact that in the original Snow White, she was mentioned to be the fairest of them all. Who the fuck could even BEGIN to imagine Kristen Stewart as the fairest of anything?!?!?!?! Throughout the movie, the only thing I could think was,”Wow. Charlize Theron in full Aileen Wuernos Monster makeup would look better than Kristen Stewart at her best.” Kristen is not in any way hideous, or malformed, no. It is the fact that she has the figure of a 13 year old boy and the face of Sarah Plain and Tall that bothers me. If the girl could act, I wouldn’t give a shit- all the greatest actors are ugly. Chistopher Walken is a prime example. But how are we to believe that Snow White is the one to save the entire world from complete desolation when she walks around looking permanently constipated? You have no idea how badly I was hoping Charlize would slash scary knife repeatedly across Kristen’s face, just so her features would in some way move me.

Why couldn’t it have been ANYONE else?

Megan Fox, though slightly over-rated, would have at least provided the necessary eye-candy effect that Snow White is supposed to have.

How about Anne Hathaway? She’s deliciously pale and raven-haired. Her acting doesn’t suck either.

I realize Angelina is a bit old, but at least her acting ability is schooled enough that she could make you believe she was supposed to save the world.

Pretty much, any unknown half-decent looking actress off the street could have saved me from wanting to scream at the screen, “Kill her Charlize! Rip her face off!!!!!”

You have no idea how upset I am.

Advertisements

12 Comments

Filed under Beauty, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Uncategorized

“Breaking Dawn”: A Review


In another life, I believe that I should have been a movie critic. My belief is only confirmed when, year after year, completely uninteresting movies are nominated for Oscars (the exception being Inglorious Bastards. That movie kicked ass.) Anyhoo, time for a review.

I may have mentioned once or twice the utter abhorrence for Stephanie Meyer writings, and I do not recall if I mentioned the loathing I have for movies with “Twilight” in the title. That in no way impedes me from having watched all the Twilight movies to date. Call me masochistic, but I for some reason cannot halt myself from wasting 2 hours of my life that I KNOW will be wasted each time another chapter of this ridiculous Pale Skin/Doggy-style/Lack of Personality love triangle unfolds on screen.

I am proud to say that I restrained myself from wasting my hard-earned $9 an hour at the theatre for this last one, and waited patiently for it to come to Red Box. My embarrassment at renting such a load of crap was kept to a bare minimum, since I ventured to Red Box in the dead of night after closing at work last night.

I must admit, while reading Breaking Dawn a few years ago, I couldn’t put it down. Simply for the fact that I couldn’t believe the storyline could get any worse than it had in the 3 previous books. How wrong I was. I honestly believe the book should be kept in the HUMOR section of any good bookstore, because there were many instances when I burst into uncontrollable laughter. But we are not talking about the book.

I awoke this morning a bit groggy, until I remembered that I had rented such a deliciously foolish film to waste my time with- then I was instantly awake. I served myself up a bowl of the finest Cinnamon Toast Crunch and hunkered down to rot my brain.

The beginning of the movie started off with ugly Bella Swan getting married to an equally ugly Edward Cullen. I forgot to check the credits, but I have no doubt in my mind that Stephanie Meyer contributed to the writing of the screenplay, because it was as badly written as the book. Perhaps some people have a horrific aversion to the idea of marriage, but I have yet to meet an 18 year old girl who is one of them. This being said, Kristen Stewart perfectly portrayed a teen with no personality dreading marriage. She showed no excitement whatsoever over the beautiful wedding provided her (way to marry into money, girl!) Edward, (I’m sorry, I refuse to use the boy who played him’s actual name) equally seemed unthrilled to be marrying such a douchey bride. (Understandably so) I am slightly disappointed in Taylor Laughtner’s performance- he was superb in the first two movies, but I believe the dread of being a part of such a horrendous series has leaked into his acting. (Or maybe he was just sucking so as not to offend the other stars with his superior acting)

Part of the reasoning I had in watching this movie is the promise of seeing vampire sex. As the movies are geared toward young adults, I understood that there wouldn’t be the hard-core ass pounding that there should have been. (Or that I wanted to see) However, I do believe after a century of living like a priest, ANY vampire would have a little bit more reaction than, “Oops, I cracked the bed frame and hit you with a feather pillow.” There should have been AT LEAST one “Fuck yeah! I’m gettin’ laid, baby!” (You are allowed to say “fuck” once in a PG-13 movie) All I can say is, Bella must have been REALLY frickin’ bad in bed to have Edward completely refuse her after breaking the sex seal. (Call me up, Bella. I’ll give you some pointers)

I had thought on occassion, that Kristen Stewart couldn’t really look any worse than she did. (I think it’s the constant look of constipation that gets to me) I was wrong once again.

The story goes that they do sex once and then she is pregnant with a demon baby that is eating her from the inside out. I must say that the computer editing they did to make Bella look skeletal was excellent, she indeed looked worse than she did before. There’s not really too much to say, since they stretched out a book where not much happened into two movies where the same amount of nothing happened. There was alot of “Kill the fetus!” and “I’m keeping my baby!” and “Damn you, Edward! Everything is your fault! If she was with me we’d be having hot dog sex right now.” That is, until the baby was born- then it was, “Damn! That baby’s hot! I’m going to marry her one day!” (The werewolf imprinted on the baby. Don’t even get me started. Just read the book if you want to be greatly disturbed.)

Since it’s been awhile since I read the book, I didn’t recall exactly what went down after the gruesome labor scene (Kudos, Stephanie, you should really write horror), but I knew it was something like Bella almost died, blah, blah, blah.

Just when I was getting thrilled at the possibility that they killed Bella off for good, she opened her damn red eyes.

 

12 Comments

Filed under Books, Entertainment, Humor, Life, Sex, Uncategorized