One in 300

… And then I found myself completely out of my element, surrounded by actual singers, as in- voice teachers, theatre majors, baritones, and a microbiologist.

Welcome to my Les Miserables audition.

I believe this was the utterance of my thoughts to myself:

“Fuck. what was I thinking?! I’m scared to sing in front of my Rockstar unless I’ve the help of my good friend Jack Daniels. “They’re all gonna laugh at you!” What was that line from anyway? Whatever. What’s the worse that could happen?”

“You could become the inspiration for one of those horrendous audition montages you always see in movies. You know- the ones where the terrible singers all make fools of themselves, and then one amazing singer shows up and automatically blows everybody away.”

“But why couldn’t I be the one who blows everybody away?” I wondered  sadly to myself.

“Because this isn’t a fucking boob competition, dumbass.” Myself is sometimes painfully honest to…myself.

“Well, at least this girl next to me has purple feet.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what the casting directors are going to be looking at. Her feet. PShhh. You’re pathetic.”

I p’shawed myself. “Well, they’re gonna look at MINE! ‘Cause I gots beautiful red heels on.” I mentally stuck my tongue out at myself.

“Ooh! The piano is free! We should go play it, and leave a talented impression, ‘cuz you know your singing isn’t gonna impress no one.” Myself speaks in Southern uneducated black woman bad English sometimes.

“Fine.” I go to the piano because I know she’s right.

Of course it would happen that the first audition I ever go to draws a crowd of hopefuls numbering 300. After sitting in a hallway for 5 hours with singers warming up and “lalala”-ing, I wasn’t a bit nervous. I just knew there was no way in hell I was getting a part, even if there were 301 parts to cast. But dammit, I fuckin’ stayed anyway, and I DID what I said I was going to- luckily the directors had the decency to compliment me on my choice of song-Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’, even if I DID choke and make up a few words. No surprise when I didn’t get a call back today. The only consolation I have is that the people who can actually sing were just a wee bit disappointed when I had to cease my stellar piano playing to go make a fool of myself. That, and the fact that in all 300 people, I was one of the cutest, (the other being an amazing male singer  with a nicely-shaped disturbingly shiny shaved head) and was the only one stupid enough to wear 6 inch heels. The Miserable indeed.

“At the End of the Day”…

…I must audition for the local production of Les Miserables, whether I can truly sing or not.

Because it is my absolute favorite musical of all time.

I was really meant to be in the big Hollywood blockbuster production of Les Mis, but nobody even bothered to ask me if I wanted to win an Oscar for portraying a sad and pathetically fallen-from-grace Fantine. Instead, the picked Anne Hathaway and her amazing alien-esque eyes. Damn Them.

‘Tis alright, though. I’ve always favored Eponine and her heart-broken renditions of On My Own and A Little Fall of Rain. Luckily, in every production I’ve ever seen, the actor cast as Marius tends to be fi-ine. So if I get the part, I’ll get to have an attractive dude who can sing “hold me close, and let it be.”

While I would do well and have the “tools” to perfectly portray a prostitute, I suppose in the end I most closely could resemble a disenchanted Mme. Thenardier. I most certainly understand the concept of being married to someone who “isn’t worth my spit.” (Although, that’s a bit more harsh than I would actually put it.)

For my upcoming audition, I may choose one song from the person who’s part I wish to play, and another un-related song. Here is where I shall ask for opinions on which un-related songs may wow the Les Mis casting judges. While I have a strong voice that mostly hits correct notes, I would prefer any suggestions that are written for male types such as Steve Perry. (I suppose since I can execute any Journey song without the slightest qualm, any of those may be a good option.)

Now for the part of choosing a character to play…. I believe I shall sing one of Eponine’s selections, but the more I think about it, I believe it would be amazing and sexually confusing for all paying play-goers if I were to play the un-relenting Javier. I don’t always agree with era-appropriating old storylines, but would it not be a good time to see me in a power-hungry authoritative roll? I most certainly do.

“I dreamed a dream” that I starred in some production of Les Mis, and dammit, that’s what I’m gonna do.