I’m Awesome, Or So They Say

Before you say that no one even knows who these proverbial They are, let me just say- this time, I can actually clarify who “They” , in fact, are.

It seems while I’ve been pretending to be too busy writing my November novel to write on my blog, I have become more popular than ever before, so much so, that I received two, yes, count them, TWO blog awards in the same day! Just a few days ago. I did not immediately respond, because I was sadly, working, and going to concerts, and masturbating. (Ok, I only said that last thing to make sure you were paying attention.)

Anyhoo, Archon over there in his Den bestowed upon me the You’re a Winner! Award, which requires me to do nothing but appreciate, which I most certainly do, since without Archon, I would only receive comments from one Pouring My Art Out, which is, in itself, not something to complain about, but I like to think that Archon and PMAO are fighting over who will eventually win my hand in virtual blogospherial matrimony. (Yes, that is my histrionica kicking in there.) Both are unfailingly loyal in being the only two bloggers to “Like” and comment on every single post I make. John used to  silently appreciate me, but he has more important things to waste his time on. (I know, I can’t think of anything either.) Whatever, the point is- Thanks, Grumpy Dude!

Too, I was awarded the Liebster Award by honeyimalesbian, a blogger who I am ashamed to admit I did not know existed until I received said award. (Isn’t it nice to be appreciated by people you didn’t know about?) I appreciate her just as greatly, and shall make an effort to further get to know the workings of her inner mind.

As always, there are rules that come with the Liebster Award, which I most certainly do not intend to fully abide by. Nominating fellow bloggers is one, where I will hereby direct you to the right of your screen to click on a blogger of your choosing from my blogroll. Secondly, I am to answer the ten questions asked of me by Honey, and here they are:

1. Where would you love to go on a trip?

Neverland, Wonderland, and Chicago. In that order.

2. What did you want to be when you grew up? Did you do it?

An artist, a writer, a rancher, an actress, a mother, a wife, a stripper, and then a writer again.

Maybe I will do it, if I ever grow up.

3.  When and why did you start blogging?

A little over two years ago, because a coworker started a blog and I thought I could do it better, and because I have a lot of opinions nobody wants to know.

4.  Are you a foodie?

I love food, it is my nemesis.

5. When was your first kiss??

I kissed a girl and I like it, when I was very young.

I kissed a boy when I was 15, and didn’t like it as much.

6. What do you read/ watch when you are in a creative funk?

Other people’s blogs/ Sex and the City. Because everyone else’s lives are much more desirable than my own.

7.  Introvert? Extrovert?

I am an introvert stuck in an extrovert’s body. Or at least my boobs are extroverted.

8. What is your favorite season?

The one when I get the most presents. Or feel like giving them.

9. Coffee or Tea?

I don’t think anything with whip cream, chocolate, and caramel added can really be considered coffee anymore.

10. Whats the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Loved me even when I continued to be a neurotic, fucked-up, self-absorbed nincompoop.

Now, I’m supposed to ask 10 questions of my own of all the people I didn’t nominate, but I don’t have time for that shit. I have a book to write. XOXO

A Lesbian Romantic Monday

I am slightly disturbed that none of Edward Hotspur’s Romantic Monday Banners have two women on them, because I am forced to use the less-than-tantalizing cherry blossom pic. There can be romance between women dammit! I’ll write you a story just to prove it:

“I’ve never had an orgasm.”

Frankie was shocked; whether it was at the fact a coworker at her new job was bringing up this subject, or the fact that it was a late-thirty-something woman had yet to experience true pleasure she couldn’t say. Either way, she decided to ignore her unsettled brain.

“Did the guys here say something to you?” Frankie asked up front. She didn’t go around boasting her interest in women, but if someone asked her, she didn’t deny it. All it took was a group of guys standing around talking about hot ass for them to find out she was very opinionated on the subject; despite the fact that she had a boyfriend. It usually didn’t take long for everyone she worked with to find out she was bisexual. She figured that was the reason this woman she’d only been introduced to was spouting her most intimate secret to her.

Heather looked at her quizzically. “No? What would they have said?”

“Nevermind.” Frankie shook her head and changed the subject. “So really? You seriously have never had an orgasm? You mean with intercourse?”

Heather looked at her pointedly. “No, I mean, EVER.”

“Whaaaaaaaat?!?!?!!?!??!?!” Frankie’s brain was going nuts. She cleared her throat so she didn’t blurt out what she was thinking- something along the lines of “Well, that explains alot.” Instead, she said, “Wait. So you’re telling me that you’re thirty-eight and you’ve never had an orgasm. What about with a vibrator?”

“No, I have one, but it doesn’t do anything for me. My exboyfriends all said I’m too uptight and need to relax. The last one was really pissed when he couldn’t get me off.”

Frankie let out the breath she didn’t realize she was holding. Holy shit, she thought. “Sooo, what are you gonna do about it? You need to be having an orgasm before your 40th.” she said it jokingly, but she meant it.

Heather threw up her hands, frustrated. “I don’t know! I feel like I don’t know what I’m missing. I mean, I guess I enjoy sex, but it’s not like there’s big finale or anything.” She looked at Frankie and then looked away quickly, as if she was ashamed. “If I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell anyone? Like ANYONE? I would be so completely embarrassed.”

Frankie shrugged. She didn’t like people enough to be caring what secrets who had, so she was pretty sure she wasn’t going to break this woman’s confidence. “Sure. I won’t tell anyone.”

The brunette took a deep breath before she began. “I’ve always had this fantasy of going down on another woman. I mean, I feel like if I could figure out how to give someone like me an orgasm, then maybe I’d be able to figure out how to give myself one.” She looked at Frankie sheepishly. “Please don’t be all weird, but all the other girls I’ve told that to just freaked out and didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”

Frankie laughed inwardly, wondering if Heather had realized that she wouldn ‘t be able to pleasure herself the way she fantasized pleasuring another woman. The image of Heather bending like a contortionist in order to tongue her own clit made Frankie emit a noticeable giggle.

“Why are you laughing at me?” Heather asked, hurt.

Frankie waved a hand. “No, I’m not, I promise. I just…” She just what? She didn’t even know. She cleared her throat again, and gave Heather her flirtiest grin. “So, are you asking me if you can go down on me?” She always deflected awkward situations by flirting; it seemed the most natural thing to do.

Heather shook her head. “Well, no- I mean, I don’t even really know you. And you have a boyfriend. Do you think this means I’m bisexual?”

Ugh. Frankie hated the titles. Gay, lesbian, bisexual. Why did everybody have to put a label on things? She always wondered why people couldn’t just accept that some people are attracted to who they’re attracted to, regardless of gender.

“No, it doesn’t mean that at all. It just means you want to have an orgasm.” Frankie’s blunt manner sometimes got the best of her, and she couldn’t control how she worded things. “I like girls, and I don’t consider myself bisexual.”

Frankie found it intensely amusing that Heather now looked at her with different eyes. “You like women? I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, well, you’re probably the only one who didn’t.” Frankie stood up. “So anyway, you need to have an orgasm already.”

Which is how they’d ended up here. For weeks after their initial conversation, Heather had continuously broached the idea that Frankie bring her home. Because Frankie wasn’t appalled at the idea of two women together, Heather had asked Frankie to talk with her boyfriend and ok a sort of Orgasm Finding Ceremony. Frankie’s boyfriend had been as shocked as she about a nearly-forty year old woman not having an orgasm, and told Frankie to do what she had to. Heather was certainly neurotic, which was exactly why Frankie didn’t let her know what she was planning. So after work, she grabbed Heather’s hand.

“You’re coming with me tonight.” She didn’t want to Heather to feel awkward because she was a woman, so she took a no-nonsense manly approach.

In the car ride, she could tell Heather was nervous, because she wasn’t saying anything. Heather talked incessently, which was one of the reasons Frankie had given pause to this decision, but then the whole ridiculousness of Heather’s dilemma got the better of her. She pulled into the parking lot and put the car into park.

“Let’s go.” She spoke gruffly, but when Heather looked at her, she winked and Heather’s face split into a wondrous grin. Frankie knew she’d put Heather at ease, and breathed an inward sigh of relief.

Frankie had rented a hotel room, because if this turned out to be a bad experience, she didn’t want either of them reliving it every night they came home for the foreseeable future. She took ahold of Heather’s hand, and pulled her into the room. She reached around Heather and pulled the door shut, making sure her breath landed on the side of Heather’s neck as she did so. She berated herself for wearing her shorter heels today, because Heather was a good 5 inches taller than she, but she figured that wouldn’t matter soon enough.

She led Heather to the bed, and guided her to sit down. Heather remained mute, and Frankie could see the tendrils of her hair shaking nervously. She knelt down in front of Heather so they were face to face.

“Listen. Tonight is nothing to be nervous about. I’m here to be what you need, so you don’t have to worry about anything out there.” She nodded her head in the direction of the outside world. “And you don’t have to worry about anything in here. I want you to relax, and not think about what other lovers could or couldn’t give you. I’m not them.”

Heather nodded, and with that silent admission, Frankie set out to deliver pleasure.

She removed Heather’s shoes, a dingy unstylish pair, and ran her hand up Heather’s leg. Heather was wearing a black skirt that fell just above the knee, and Frankie placed a kiss on one knee, and then the other. She  looked up to see Heather looking down at her. She winked again to lighten the mood, and continued her journey.

She straightened up and pulled Heather forward enough to slide her skirt off. Heather was forced to lean back, and she did so, resting her elbows on the bed and watching intently. Frankie figured this was as good a position as any, and pressed Heather’s knees apart to that her panties were squarely in front of Frankie’s face. Frankie ran her tongue along the inside of Heather’s thighs, first one, and then the other, before burying her nose in the satiny fabric. She heard Heather gasp, and she smiled to herself. It was a sweet musky smell; and Frankie inhaled deeply. She never tired of that scent.

She pulled down Heather’s panties, and admired the well-groomed landing strip that was underneath.

The End.

P.S. Just kidding, but I’ll finish it tomorrow.

Straight Smut

Sorry to all my non-straight readers who’ve been waiting for more smut. I must appeal to everybody, so this time it’s gonna be a him and her. 😉 Don’t worry, I’ll do more sometime…

Beth felt a hand slide up under her men’s t-shirt she always wore to bed. The callousness of his hand  dragged across the skin of her breasts roughly, and the sensation drew her out of her sleepy haze. She stayed still, relishing the feeling of his touch; then she felt him slide down from his spot next to her until his head rested on her belly. He had told her once he could feel her heartbeat quicken when he rested there. She ran her fingers through his hair sleepily as he slid his arm underneath her, bringing his face closer to the spot between her thighs.

His lips brushed the sensitive spot on her inner thigh, and then her other thigh. He kissed the lowest part of her belly, and the spot at the bottom of her ribs. His breath on her skin sent chills up her body, and she shivered involuntarily. Her nipples were hard now, and his fingers pinched one of them, softly at first. He exerted more pressure until he heard her gasp.

He smiled in the dark, and replaced his head on her belly. His hand slid down her body again and then between her legs. She was wet already, and he lightly ran his fingers over her mound. She moved slightly, trying to get him to apply more pressure, but his hand wandered to her thigh. Her hands, still in his hair, tried to force his head lower, but he resisted. His fingers moved back up, this time parting her outer lips, and he pressed down on her clit before sliding his fingers into her.

Her heart began to beat faster, and he relished in the sound of it against his ear as he worked his fingers in and out. Beth’s hips moved with his fingers, her body tensing. He was hard already from listening to her whimpers, and he lowered his head so he could taste her. A flick of his tongue was enough to send her over the edge.

Sidenote: I decided just now that lesbian S&M smut is much more fun to write.

Smut-R-Us

So, one of my secret pasttimes is writing erotica for fun. I have debated on whether or not to share my smut writings, simply because I have relatives that read this blog, but then I thought, “What the hell? They’ve already read all the secret stuff I’d be embarrassed about.” After my little post on Exquisite Pain, I thought I’d share a little story that will help explain the allure. Here we go:

Linnea tipped her head back, the crimson scarf tied over her eyes obscuring her view, so she tilted her head for any sound that was an indication of what was to come. The anticipation hung in the air, heavy like incense, and Linnea’s muscles visibly tensed when she sensed a presence to her right.

A loud SMACK! resounded throughout the space, and Linnea let out a gasp at the unexpected spanking. Her arms strained against the silken scarves that held her wrists, but Jess had tied them securely, and there was no give. Her buttocks stung at the next blow, even as Linnea felt the spot between her thighs dampen with desire. The matching scarves that secured her ankles to the bedpost grew taught as she began to struggle after the third spanking. She pressed her hips to the bed, trying to alleviate some of the longing that was burning in her loins.

Jess watched in amusement, her nipples growing taught as she admired the rosy flush of Linnea’s backside where she had administered her discipline. She ran one perfectly-manicured fingernail up the back of Linnea’s thigh, her lips tilting in a half smile as she watched the goosebumps rise on her pale skin. Blushing Desire was the color of the nailpolish; Jess found that amazingly fitting. She ran her nails up Linnea’s thigh once more, exerting more pressure this time- hard enough to leave a pinkened trail of marks; hard enough to draw a whimper from Linnea’s lips.

Jess let out a pleased laugh from deep in her throat as she noticed the sheet beneath Linnea become wet with her desire. “How easily pleased,”  Jess thought, and she leaned forward enough that her whisper caused the tendrils of hair near Linnea’s ear to tremble with her breath.

“Little Pet, your desire amuses me.”

Linnea moved her head, trying to get closer to her lover, but Jess backed away. Linnea felt panicked for a second, certain that Jess had deserted her, but a moment later relief washed over her when she felt Jess straddle her. Linnea could feel the dampness of Jess’s own want just above her tailbone as she balanced there, and the brush of Jess’s taut nipples on her back as she leaned down to whisper again.

“This,” Jess plunged her fingers into Linnea, “is mine.” Linnea’s whimpering grew louder as Jess’s fingers moved. Jess’s breath was hot on Linnea’s neck as she worked her way deeper into Linnea’s depths. Linnea felt Jess’s other hand part her buttocks, and a second later a finger plunged into her ass. Linnea squealed in surprise, and bucked wildly for a moment until she felt Jess’s hold on her nether regions tighten. The vice-like grip was still in place as Jess whispered again, “All of this is mine.”

La la la. I can’t give it ALL to you at once. 😉 XOXO

What I Have To Say

So, I decided to be a bit less creative today and go with an autotopic that popped out at me. Here it is:

If you had the attention of the entire world for two minutes, what would you say?

Since the idea of being seen by the entire world appeals to my histrionic personality disorder, of course I had to take this topic and run with it. However, since two minutes is not a very long time, I decided I would have to talk very fast in order to get everything I would have to say in. While some of it is perhaps not super profound, I am willing to pass out copies of my speech to the presidents of the world if they are so inclined to strive for world peace. Here we go:

To all women, men, children, trannies, and monsters,

It is my hope that all the people of the world can unite and quit being judgemental cocksuckers. While I do not condone killing, I believe war to be an essential evil, if only to protect innocent people from being murdered. To those of you who do not support War, I urge you to move to a different country where freedom is more easily won. Unfortuneately, you don’t have alot of choices there, do you? I DO wish that everyone could be brought home safe, but by not supporting the war, you are essentially belittling what the men and women of our Armed Forces are giving their lives for, which is just shitty of you.

To all politicians and voters, I believe it would be beneficial to the U.S. to eliminate the parties of Republican and Democrat, because the ridiculousness with which you all conduct yourselves is embarrassing. Being President or Senator are jobs that should be taken seriously, and should NOT be done with the intentions of pursuing your own personal agenda. For this reason , I believe politician should be paid “normal people” wages, so all the greedy fuckerheads would be weeded out and the remaining candidates would be there because they actually CARE about our countries future. On that note, I do not think 2 years of political commercializing is necessary; if you have noticed, everybody knows about Kim Kardashian and that whole clusterfuck, which only took 72 or so days. Politicians just need to hire better publicists.

To those who don’t approve of gays, lesbians, bi- or transgender people I say, unless you have been in their shoes, you cannot judge, and God says to love everybody. They just want to love and be loved, exactly like everybody else, and what people do in their own bedrooms is their OWN business, so why are you making it yours?

To people who don’t read I say. You should really read, because no matter what you read, you will be a little less moronic. You will always learn something from a book, and that’s never a bad thing.

Everyone every day needs to take a moment out of their busy lives and just chill, and notice the beautiful world in which we live. If it’s not beautiful where you live, think of the beautiful people that you know.

The last thing I have to say is love. If you all treat every person you meet like your brother, (assuming that you like your brother) the world will be a better place, so the next time you see someone that needs help, help them if you can. The next time you see someone that needs a hug, hug them, because they might be me. And hugs always make me feel better.

P.S. And something really needs to be done about Taylor Swift.