Tag Archives: letters

Listen Up, Santa


Look here, Santa, you tubby piece of Christmas cheer,

I’m done being Miss Nice Sparkle. I couldn’t help but notice that you COMPLETELY disregarded my last year’s letter. What? You think just because you wrote back and told me no that I was going to just shut up and let it slide? Fuck that shit.

You need to remember your sole purpose- that of bringing hope and PRESENTS to all the good little girls and boys in the world. Yeah, so maybe I’m about 20 years out of the age range of your average clientele, but damn it! I have a child-like imagination, you fucker! And, you know, maybe I wouldn’t necessarily be categorized as “good”, or “well-behaved”, but I’m tired of letting people walk all over me; and nobody was supposed to know about that whole selling booby pictures for money thing. How was I supposed to know that dude was going to sell them on Ebay? Anyhoo, you’re old enough that you could probably just forget about that whole incident. Except I thought it was kinda weird that the username of the purchaser of afore-mentioned photos was S.A. Claus. Ha. Did you realize your initials spell “sac”? I bet you got alotta shit for that in school.

So, here’s the deal. I’m gonna give you one last chance to bring me everything I ask for. I kinda wondered if you were pissed off because I didn’t leave any cookies for you last year, but hey. I have people I’ve actually met who deserve lovingly-made assorted baked goods more than you. It’s time now for you to be made aware of my demands:

1. I’ve been waiting more than patiently for that Mustang I mentioned last year. When you didn’t bring it, I thought- Fine. I’ll go buy it myself. I don’t need any handouts from a bearded fruity geriatric. But when I went to the Ford dealer, I remembered how fuck-traded the salesmen there were, so I just rolled my eyes and walked out. I’m pretty sure they were looking at my ass the whole time. So yeah. If it won’t fit in your sleigh, frickin’ buy a barge and ship it down here.

2. I decided that even though one can never have enough books, I should maybe read some of the thousands I already possess. So call up your dealer in Columbia and hook me up with a steady supply of coke, so I have enough energy to read after my normal 12 hour days at work. I also expect one of those awesome antique wingbacked chairs to sit in.

3. Since you have an army of elves, I don’t think it would be too difficult for you to just give one to me. I always wanted my very own little person to do my bidding. Not to be racist, but it seems normal for an elf to be sub-servient to someone of slightly higher stature. Just to be on the safe side, send one of the runty ones, though. And make sure that little shit is one of the good singers. I expect to be serenaded in an acceptable high-pitched manner.

4. To make it look like I’m not completely selfish, can you send another elf to help out at my Gramma and Gramps’? Gramma won’t admit they kinda need some help with cleaning and other menial tasks, but I think she wouldn’t mind if an elf showed up to help. She’d probably just think he’s a kid and shower him with presents anyway. She probably won’t be cognizant long enough to wonder why he hasn’t grown up in 10 or 12 years.

5. This may seem like it’s not for me, but trust me, it is. You need to bring my Rockstar a Custom Les Paul goldtop for Christmas. He’s been pretty depressed lately because of his job, and if he gets one of those, maybe he’ll buck up and finally write some awesome songs we can record. And just maybe, he’ll come out of his haze long enough to remember he’s dating a horny little bitch who needs to get some more than the average person.

6. Since things have been going swimmingly with my Rockstar’s Daughter, I suppose you can bring her something. She’s been wanting a drumset, but if that’s what you decide to bring her, you better fucking bring one of those electric ones she can bang away on through headphones. And don’t think I’m being mean, because that’s the kind my Rockstar was going to get her anyway. but if you bring it, then he’ll have more money to spend on me. And that’s good for everyone. 😉

7. So, I know the whole baby thing threw you off last year. So instead of bringing me a newborn, you can just get the adoption papers all ready for the cutie at church who’s in foster care. She’s the same age as my Rockstar’s Daughter, (But way sweeter) so I figure they’ll get along great. She also has a baby sister who I’ll take too.

I guess that about sums it up for now. But just remember, if my demands aren’t met to my satisfaction, I’ll let everyone know what a booby-obsessed funky little perv you are.

With all my Love,

Sparklebumps

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Filed under Children, Christmas, Entertainment, Family, Humor, Life, Love, Uncategorized

To the Makers of my Rockstar’s Undies


Dear Undertech,

My Rockstar recently purchased a package of your silky boxer briefs. While I appreciate the fun and vibrant graphics that your company chose to place on panties designed for men’s crotchal areas, I must point out that I KNOW what you’re trying to do. You are trying to distract people from the fact that you have placed no convenient hole for peeing and other more exciting activities on the front of your Butt Duds.

I will explain the source of my disappointment.

While my Rockstar and I were driving the many miles back home from the desert wastelands of South Dakota this week, I found myself slightly bored and without entertainment. I had already belted out all the favorite songs I have off of my MP3 player, and needed something more to stimulate my me. And so without further ado, I unzippered my Rockstar’s very fun rust-colored plaid short and stuck my hand inside to see what would happen. Imagine my delight when my hand slid repeatedly over the silkiness of his new underoos and the friction was enough to produce a mentionable boner! I unbuckled my seatbelt and proceeded to ready myself to administer a Sparklebumps Special. If you’ve not heard of those- how sad for you. Anyhoo, I found my busy hand searching unsuccessfully for a button, or an opening sufficient enough to dislodge my Rockstar’s waiting erection from it’s satiny prison, but alas! There was none to be found. In the end, my Rockstar was forced to push down his paradisically-colored boxer briefs in order to receive his intended blowjob.

As a company that thrives off of purchasing customers, I would just like to point out how dangerous it could be that any man who buys your product would have to flex and struggle to remove his panties while driving in order to receive a blowjob. How much safer would it be to just create a small opening to release penises that should be receiving desired oral attentions? Do we really want yahoos swerving around on our roads just because an underoo was mistaken to not include an exit hole? I think not!

My Rockstar fully intended to purchase more of your colorfully silky male lingerie at a later date, but I have convinced him of the unwise-ness of that decision. I have also informed him that he may only wear said undies when he is NOT expecting favored favors.

I feel that in the future, you will think harder on your underoo design, Undertech.

Irritatingly,

Sparklebumps

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Filed under Fashion, Humor, Life, Love, Sex, Uncategorized

A Letter From a Past Life


One of the habits that I have that has been both a blessing and a curse is that I tend to hoard stuff. I have kept the hoarding mainly designated to books, because I do not believe that will place me on that awful  Hoarders show. The only other things that I excessively save are notes and letters I’ve received from the past. I was digging through a box today when I came across a letter my ex-hubby wrote right after I left him. Here you go:

To my love the Best wife ever

I Have Really Been Doing some hard Thinking and Besides stresses of my Back a Dumb Bad and A poor economy and way to many Bills I have come to realize that my actions are to Blame.

I Have Been A very poor Husband and my Priorities are really screwed up.

I Totally Have not Been spending enough close time with you or making you feel special and I don’t kiss you enough and It’s not because I Don’t love you or like to

I have took things for granit though things were better than they were and not attending to your needs when I should Have Been and have not took you to nice places enogh.

also I Have not Been doing my Part of HouseHold chores like I should Have Been, you are the hardest working wife ever and should not Have to come Home to A mess after such A long day. I have Been very poor for noticing these things Becaus I can be kind of Dumb sometimes

I know you can’t Pay all the Bills and I really need to step it up and not Be lazy with work.

I’v made you unHappie for A long time now and not even Relized it

I Have A lot to change and will now try to change

I Know you want Babies and I Due to, I Hope it Has nothing to do with you wanting to leave

I also understand why you want to go and I don’t blame you, this would be a lot to Deal with for A long time

We Have Been together for A long time and I know we have A lot of Good memeries and Happines in the past

I Really love you more than anything in the world and want you to be Happie

I really couldn’t imagin life without you and fear facing it I know I Have A lot of issues But please Before we call it quits for Good and move on, I ask you as your loving Husband that we give it some time and take some merital counciling together so I can make you Happy again, I do believe you want to Be married to me and I want to make you Happy

I know I can change things to make you Happy if you let me pleas don’t give up on our marrage just yet

your loving husband

Yeah, I kind of felt like a Bitch after that one.

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Filed under Family, Life, Love, Uncategorized