“Lieb”-erate Me

 

 

Jonas Lee over in his Imaginarium has nominated me for a Liebster Award. Since I’m generally awesome (or so people seem to think), this is not the first of such an award. Actually, I just checked, and I was nominated here, here, here, and here. Wow. I’m starting to feel a little like the literary Meryl Streep here…. Anyhoo, I must say that Jonas is pretty amazing, because he responds to my comments in a timely fashion, and I just realized that his name is actually Jonas. (Dude, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile, but it kinda just clicked now. You have an awesome name!)

Since I have received this award before, I’m beginning to run out of interesting facts to mention about myself, so I have taken the liberty of copying Jonas’ (so cool!!!!!) 11 facts about himself and editing them to fit my self. Here they are:

11 Facts:

1. I hold no Bachelor’s degree, or Master’s either. While I believe that, in some ways, further education might benefit me, I find that I am a little bit smarter and a damn bit funnier than those who suffer from such an education. That, and I don’t want school loan sharks hounding me. I already have Victoria’s Secret on my back about a little $2800 deficit.
2. I panic when anything flies near my face. Insects, rocks, baseballs…. you get the picture. The only exception is penis, because I usually initiate such things.
3. While Jonas can quote the entire movie “Clue”, I can quote the entire movie “Clueless”. A much more useful feat.
4. I, too, am super stubborn.
5. Green Lantern is NOT my favorite super hero. Unless it’s Ryan Reynolds, because he is beautiful. But Mystique is pretty frickin’ awesome. I suppose she may be considered a super villain though…
6. I would take sex over a philosophical debate anytime.
7. I am right handed, but my left boob is bigger than my right, and my left hip is going out. Fuckin’ A.
8. I almost named my daughter Ophelia. But then I remembered that I don’t have a daughter.
9. French fries magically disappear around me. As do Doritos, cheese, ramen noodles, candy… really, anything that can be put in my mouth. (Yes, that was meant to sound dirty.)
10. I,too, have astigmatism in both eyes. And have a nasty habit of wearing my contacts for four months longer than I should.
11. As a child, I never wanted to be a garbage man, but I did think being a lion would have been an excellent career choice.

Now I will answer the questions asked of me.

My 11 Questions:

1. You are able to scratch one thing off your bucket list, no matter what it entails. What is it?

I suppose I would choose to be a model in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, because that seems like the most unlikely thing to happen from my Honey-Do List. Because I’m short, not because I’m chubby.

2. You can listen to any band/artist (live) in their time period. Who would you want to see?

Iron Maiden!!!!! Because I want to see Eddie! And because if I see them in concert now, it would kind of be like watching my Grampa on stage.

3. If you could collaborate with any artist/author/professional on a project, who would you choose?

My first choice would have been Maya Angelou, but since she decided to die before I met her, I will have to go with #2. Dolly Parton. Because the woman is brilliant. And adorably nice.

4. Would you rather live in a zombie apocalypse (Walking Dead) or an electronic apocalypse (Revolution)?

A zombie apocalypse.

5. Why to number 4?

Because who would be able to survive if we were in an electronic apocalypse and I couldn’t write on my blog?! Too, any excuse to chop people’s heads off is a good thing, even if they ARE already dead.

6. Pop Tarts or Toaster Strudel?

Toaster Strudel, because they are so flakily delicious.

7. Favorite smell?

Raw onions. And horses. Don’t judge me.

8. You can have one super power. What would you choose?

The power of seduction.

9.What is your worst habit?

Acting as though the world revolves around me. It isn’t my fault….it’s my histrionic personality.

10. What do you find to be your best quality (physically or mentally)?

My boobs and my ability to understand why idiots are idiots.

11. What keeps you from having your dreams come true?

Nothing can stop me! Except shiny things. And mermaids. And pretty men and women that smell nice.

I’m sorry, Jonas, (Jonas!! I had to say it twice!) but it is a well-known fact that I do not follow all the rules of Liebster-dom, and so I cannot ask question of people I do not post links to. Suffice to say that anyone who comments on my blog is very wise, and should be paid attention to.

The End

 

Almost 20 Questions

It is lovely to be loved. This time, I am appreciated by one JoJo Knows Everything,  who has nominated me for the Liebster Award. As a receiver of several such awards, I have adopted the tradition of not following all of the rules of such awards, but of course answering the questions asked of me, as well as sharing the requested number of facts about moi, because, really, who doesn’t want to know more about me?

The Facts:

(Here I will admit that I am running out of facts about me, because, despite what my histrionic personality will tell you, I really am not all that interesting.)

1. I wear contacts.

When I was younger, I wore glasses, but begged for contacts incessantly, because my blue-plastic-framed spectacles refused to stay put on my nose, and so my ten year old self walked around with glasses on the end of my button nose like an 80-year-old-granny.

2. I have all my wisdom teeth.

Because I am very wise. And have a big mouth.

3. I bite my nails.

A habit I have never been able to break since childhood. I believe one of my life goals at the age of eleven was to have long nails.

4. I fart.

But if you ask me, I will deny, deny, deny.

5. I think about food every second of every day.

Which is why a goodly amount of time and money are spent in a McDonald’s drive thru.

6. I refuse to live in a beige house.

People who live in beige houses are boring and perfect. While I possess a set of nearly-perfect breasts, I cannot boast that the rest of my body and mind is of such  caliber. And so I must live in a rainbow house.

7. I wish to have a “Grandma Garden”.

That is, a garden perfectly groomed like one planted by a person who is retired with very little else to do. Sadly, I am much too lazy, and have things to do.

8. My Rockstar has a perfect man ass.

I realize this fact is not exactly about me, but here you go- I spend an exorbitant amount of time thinking about sinking my teeth into his perfect man ass.

9. I cannot help but stare at the eyebrows of people who have filled them in with eyebrow pencil.

I just can’t help it.

10. I’m having hip problems at 32.

Probably due to the extensive high-heel collection I have, and the sometimes excessive on-top sex I have with my Rockstar.

11. My dog farts.

And if you asked her, if she hadn’t a long tongue, she would probably admit it.

Now on to the questions asked of me!

1. Why do you write?

I write to keep from crying. And I write because I cannot teach. And I write because I’m supposedly good at it.

       2.   Pick one thing, event, or person that has made you a writer.

Earnest Hemingway. Not really, because I haven’t actually read any of his books, but if you can go through life in an alcohol-induced haze and still be recognized for your writing so many years later, that’s something.

       3.   How many people do you know named Josh?

One, two… nope. Just one.

      4.   Who is your writing inspiration?

My blog readers. Because without them, I would just be a diarist.

      5.   How many days a week/month do you work on your blog?

Not as often as I used to, but probably more than I should.

      6.    Where do you feel most at home?

In bed, lying on my back, with my Rockstar’s arm flung over my belly and my legs flung over his.

      7.    If you could have a magical power what would it be?

Being awesome. Apparently, I was born magical.

      8.   The one place you have to see before you die.

Oz.

      9.  How do you feel about Highlander?

I’ve never seen it, but I feel it must be amazing.

     10.  Worst flavor?

Anything on Cornuts.

     11. You’re in a cave. To your left is a mammoth grizzly bear with its arms wrapped around the thing you love most in the world. Armed only with your wits and a small bread pudding, what do you do?

Charge the bear while screaming “aiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiiaiaiai!” and bop it in the head with the bread pudding. Duh.

The rest of the rules I shall toss to the wind, but take the time to explore my comments, and you will surely find some smart blogs to read. XOXO

I’m Awesome, Or So They Say

Before you say that no one even knows who these proverbial They are, let me just say- this time, I can actually clarify who “They” , in fact, are.

It seems while I’ve been pretending to be too busy writing my November novel to write on my blog, I have become more popular than ever before, so much so, that I received two, yes, count them, TWO blog awards in the same day! Just a few days ago. I did not immediately respond, because I was sadly, working, and going to concerts, and masturbating. (Ok, I only said that last thing to make sure you were paying attention.)

Anyhoo, Archon over there in his Den bestowed upon me the You’re a Winner! Award, which requires me to do nothing but appreciate, which I most certainly do, since without Archon, I would only receive comments from one Pouring My Art Out, which is, in itself, not something to complain about, but I like to think that Archon and PMAO are fighting over who will eventually win my hand in virtual blogospherial matrimony. (Yes, that is my histrionica kicking in there.) Both are unfailingly loyal in being the only two bloggers to “Like” and comment on every single post I make. John used to  silently appreciate me, but he has more important things to waste his time on. (I know, I can’t think of anything either.) Whatever, the point is- Thanks, Grumpy Dude!

Too, I was awarded the Liebster Award by honeyimalesbian, a blogger who I am ashamed to admit I did not know existed until I received said award. (Isn’t it nice to be appreciated by people you didn’t know about?) I appreciate her just as greatly, and shall make an effort to further get to know the workings of her inner mind.

As always, there are rules that come with the Liebster Award, which I most certainly do not intend to fully abide by. Nominating fellow bloggers is one, where I will hereby direct you to the right of your screen to click on a blogger of your choosing from my blogroll. Secondly, I am to answer the ten questions asked of me by Honey, and here they are:

1. Where would you love to go on a trip?

Neverland, Wonderland, and Chicago. In that order.

2. What did you want to be when you grew up? Did you do it?

An artist, a writer, a rancher, an actress, a mother, a wife, a stripper, and then a writer again.

Maybe I will do it, if I ever grow up.

3.  When and why did you start blogging?

A little over two years ago, because a coworker started a blog and I thought I could do it better, and because I have a lot of opinions nobody wants to know.

4.  Are you a foodie?

I love food, it is my nemesis.

5. When was your first kiss??

I kissed a girl and I like it, when I was very young.

I kissed a boy when I was 15, and didn’t like it as much.

6. What do you read/ watch when you are in a creative funk?

Other people’s blogs/ Sex and the City. Because everyone else’s lives are much more desirable than my own.

7.  Introvert? Extrovert?

I am an introvert stuck in an extrovert’s body. Or at least my boobs are extroverted.

8. What is your favorite season?

The one when I get the most presents. Or feel like giving them.

9. Coffee or Tea?

I don’t think anything with whip cream, chocolate, and caramel added can really be considered coffee anymore.

10. Whats the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?

Loved me even when I continued to be a neurotic, fucked-up, self-absorbed nincompoop.

Now, I’m supposed to ask 10 questions of my own of all the people I didn’t nominate, but I don’t have time for that shit. I have a book to write. XOXO

I Can Be German, Sure

Once upon a time, a wonderful blogger named Pharphelonus from Playing with Words is Fun nominated a babbling mess of a woman for the Leibster Awards. While this was not the first time she had been the recipient of this award, she graciously accepted it anyway, and virtually sent a booby squish to he who bequeathed it to her. Because she was much to lazy to explain in her own words the meaning of such an award, she copied and pasted (and edited it to her own satisfaction) the definition of this amazing gift:

Liebster (pronounced: leeb-stir) is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome. (Why thank you! I am flattered that you believe my blog is all these wonderful descriptions. You have only got one wrong- the “welcome”. Because, in fact, YOU, dear readers are welcome. XOXO)  The Liebster Blog Award recognizes up and coming bloggers and winners are asked to “pay it back and forward.”  The award is given to those bloggers who have less than 200 followers. (Technically, I have more followers than that, but we needn’t be bothered with minute detail, do we?)

The Rules for the Liebster Award are as follows:

• Link back to the blogger who gave you this award
• Post the award to your blog
• Post 11 things about yourself.
• Answer the questions asked of you, plus create 11 new questions for your nominees to answer
• Nominate 11 people you think deserve the award and link them to your post.
• Go to their pages and tell them they have been chosen.

Having done the linkage to the amazing Pharphelonus who’s blog I didn’t realize I wasn’t following (that has been rectified, my Lovely) I shall proceed on with the trivia of myself:

1. I have tiny hands.

While I have never considered my phalanges and carpal parts to be small, it has come to my attention very recently (as in, last night at work) that they are indeed of the miniature sort. My coworkers were questioning my judgement in ordering Small gloves for our supply, when I proved to them there was at least one person who could don such dwarfish accessories. (That would be me.) Despite the ability of my hands to fit into kid-sized gloves, my ring finger will not admit any jewelry that is smaller than a 9. This gives them sufficient  power to poke attackers eyes out or to manually pleasure myself at any given time.

2. I am computer-illiterate.

You would think that an individual who writes a blog would be tech savvy, buy nay, it is a sad fact that I cannot set up a new computer on my own, whether it was I that bought it or my rockstar. (He was very disappointed in me.)

3. My first favorite color was red.

I recall a time long ago when I was five where I was proud to announce that my favorite color was red. (And that I hated pink.) It seems I misused this wonderful primary color to the point of exhaustion, because I have never felt the same adoration for it since.

4. To me, the artist known again as Prince is approaching Celestial status.

I’d admire any 5′ 2″ 90 pound man who wears stillettos and creates massive amounts of music. (I’ll admit I don’t like all of it, but still) The fact that he lives in the same state as me also adds to his mystery.

5. I love to sing, and have been writing songs in my head since childhood.

It is questionable as to whether my singing voice is worthy of fame, but my Rockstar has yet to yell “Shut the fuck up!” while we’re cruising around in his car. The odd thing is until I was about 20, my singing voice was buried under a heavy coat of self-consciousness. But then I realized Cyndi Lauper sounded like shit and was still awesome, so I thought, “What the hell?”

6. I could be a vegetarian very easily.

I get through eating meat by not thinking about the fact that whatever I’m eating pooped and had a face. I prefer the taste of freshly steamed broccoli to the taste of a butchered cow anyway, but to keep from seeming arrogant or supercilious, I will on occasion snarf down a couple pounds of steak in one sitting.

7. I must be barefoot.

This may seem strange coming from a girl who spends her spare dollars on stillettos and patent-leather wedges, but once the shoes come off, there is no putting on of socks. Ish.

8. I was supposed to be a Victoria’s Secret model.

Except they keep hiring the tall, lanky chics who need to wear push-up bras to enhance what they have. Just think how much padding they’d save if they’d just hire me….

9. When I was younger, I aspired to be like Audrey Hepburn. Alas, it seems I have become a Marylin Monroe instead. Or at least, that’s what people tell me.

10. I always wanted to drive a Zamboni.

When I was fifteen, the pastor’s son made a joke about being a Zamboni driver when he grew up. I have since then always thought that was a grand idea.

11. I cannot swim.

I may have mentioned this in the past, but despite having my own gigantic floating devices attatched to the front of me, I sink like a rock.

Now on to what other people want to know about me:

1. Who is your life hero, or person you most admire, and why?

If we are talking about real life people, I would say my Auntie, because she is nice to everyone and has her own business doing what she loves, and is 60, yet still acts like she’s a mature 23. She will never say no to anyone if they need help.

2. If you had one chance to go back and say “yes” to something you said “no” to in life, what would it be?

My used-to-be-friend and I were going to leave everything here and move to Colorado (for some reason I don’t remember). We didn’t go because I changed my mind and wanted to stay here with the person who would become my ex-husband. Look how well that turned out.

3. If money was no concern, would you consider plastic surgery to make you look younger?

It’s called pigtails and attitude. Why would I waste money on pain when people already adore me and there are shoes to buy?

4. Are you inspired more by people you like, and want to be like, or people you detest and want to be better than?

Well, I’m already better than the people I detest, so they are no inspiration to me. And to be honest, I don’t want to be like anyone else. I just want to be me.

5. What arrogant, but silly contradiction in people annoys you most (mine is petty as hell: people who order a wedge of lemon as “dressing” for a salad in a restaurant, then go lay in the sun all afternoon)?

Fat people ordering Diet Coke. (Although, I could probably be considered one of them.)

6. Mountain cabin or beach house, and why?

A Castle. In a mountain cabin, there is danger of a bear coming to maul you in the night. In a beach house, you’re likely to be swept away in a hurricane. In a castle? You can be a princess that sends flaming arrows down on attackers.

7. Your dream cruise would take you to ________, and why?

I would never dream of going on a cruise. Way too many people. I dream of taking a road trip to wherever with the person of my choosing and an MP3 player with 4000 awesome songs.

8. If you were going to be stuck in an elevator with one person for 6 hours, and you got to pick the person without them knowing you picked them, who would you choose, and why? Also, would you tell them, while stranded, that you are the reason they are the one in the elevator with you?

Again, my amazing Auntie. Because 6 hours of conversations is just us getting started.

9. Is there a person in your life you willingly admit things to that you could never tell your spouse?

Yes. It’s called the internet. My blog is the vessel.

10. Favorite fruit?

Starburst

11. It’s 1 p.m. on a weekday and you get a visit from God, and you have no doubt it is legit. He tells you you will die suddenly in 24 hours. How do you spend those 24 hours?

First of all, why would God show up at 1PM? And honestly, if God came and said I’m gonna die in 24 hours, I’d say, “What the hell, Dude? Take me now.” And I’d be yelling “Hoo-fuckin-rah, mothafuckers!” all the way to the pearly gates.

As for the rest of the rules, once again I must admit that I am too lazy to be doing all that linking and notifying, and so I will just tell you to check out anyone who has ever “liked” one of my posts, or commented on my blog. Because obviously, they are very smart peoples. XOXO