No, You Should NOT Have Passionate Kisses, Mary Chapin Carpenter

This letter is to you, Mary Chapin Carpenter,

No, you are not a dear, Mary, and so I cannot address this letter thusly. Let me begin by explaining the reason I am composing this letter.

I have long despised your mediocre talent, and even more has your choice in song recordings galled me for many years. Songs such as He Thinks He’ll Keep Her and I Feel Lucky have irritated the beJesus out of me since childhood, but none of these “hit singles” have caused me to cringe and my ears to fold in on themselves quite as much as the song Passionate Kisses.

I know not whether it is the unmusical tone of your voice, or the even less harmonic rhythm of the song itself, but, oh evil songstress of country, how I loathe thee. Let us look upon the unpoetic lyrics of said song for a moment, shall we?

Is it too much to ask
I want a comfortable bed that won’t hurt my back
Food to fill me up
And warm clothes and all that stuff
Shouldn’t I have this
Shouldn’t I have this
Shouldn’t I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you.

While I do not deny that we all at one time or another crave a bed that doesn’t cause our backs to ache, and I myself want more food than is necessary to fill me up, I must point out that these very commonplace wants do not, in my opinion, cause you stand out enough that you should deserve such things as passionate kisses from me or anyone else. Moving on….

Is it too much to demand
I want a full house and a rock and roll band
Pens that won’t run out of ink
And cool quiet and time to think
Shouldn’t I have this
Shouldn’t I have this
Shouldn’t I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you.

I might mention here that, to be honest, you are not a performer of such caliber that you are in the position to be demanding of anything. If you were, you would not be needing to ask for a full house for your rock and roll band, because it would already be sold out. Too, you would have enough money to buy pens that have ink in them if you were able to sell tickets to your shows. Maybe it is your entitled attitude that causes people to not want to see you in concert, hmm? Or maybe they just realize that you will ask just anyone for passionate kisses, and do not want to run the risk of acquiring herpes labialis. Anyhoo, I digress.

Do I want too much
Am I going overboard to want that touch
I shout it out to the night
“Give me what I deserve, ’cause it’s my right”
Shouldn’t I have this (shouldn’t I)
Shouldn’t I have this (shouldn’t I)
Shouldn’t I have all of this, and

Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you
Passionate kisses
Passionate kisses, whoa oh oh
Passionate kisses from you 

Did you ever think maybe, just maybe, if you quit yelling at whoever it is you want to make out with so desperately IN THE NIGHT while they are trying to sleep that they might actually want to kiss you? Maybe if you ever shut the fuck up for one goddamn second, and quit whining about passionate kisses, someone might actually desire to smush their lips against yours?!

I have come to the end of this atrocious song, and find that I have nothing more to say to you, Mary Chapin Carpenter. You may blame my place of work for playing this song frequently, because having had to listen to it on a regular basis has made me quite certain you will never, EVER be getting your coveted “passionate kisses” from me. To be clear, your tiresome neediness is the reason you lack affection.

Goodbye,

Sparklebumps

“Niblets in the Sun”

On occasion, my  Rockstar and I spend a goodly amount of minutes wandering through the virtual musical world of Rhapsody. Last night was one of those nights. (We also just so happened to be accompanied by Marilyn Monroe and her strawberry-flavored vodka.)

After listening to the growling of a less-than-talented death metal band, I told my Rockstar that we needed to listen to something a little more happy. He pooh-poohed George Strait’s new album (which was fine), and somehow we started listening to Madonna. My Rockstar requested Like a Virgin, me thinks because I do so make him feel as though he is touched for the very first time. This started a whole new wave of music listening- that of 80’s pop. Welcome to the land of the Eurythmics, Cyndi Lauper, Phil Collins, and Billy Joel.

To both my Rockstar and I, these musicians fall into the category of Talented-Because-of-Style, or in Phil Collins’ case, his name just happened to come up. I adore Billy Joel for his piano abilities; I have a hard time deciding if I actually like his songs. However, we chose to listen to Only the Good Die Young, and I found myself jigging along. (Yes, I jig, because I wish I was Irish.)

There was a point in the song where I sang along to my favorite lyrics: “That stained-glass window you’re hiding behind Niblets in the sun”, when my Rockstar gave me the strangest look. I sheepishly admitted that I never could understand what Billy said in that line, and Niblets seemed like an interesting enough choice to include. Now, I realize there are no Niblets in the sun, so it would be nearly impossible to hide behind them, (that is, if One could even figure out what a Niblet was in the first place) but who am I to judge Billy’s musical genius? I DID decide I had remained clueless long enough, and so I looked up the actual lyrics, which make a little more sense. (They are “the stained-glass window you’re hiding behind never lets in the sun”, in case you no longer wish to sing about Niblets either.)

We went on to listen to a plethora of other sub-standard music, when my Rockstar got caught up in John cougar Mellencamp’s web, and I discovered something. My Rockstar judges me when I get excited to hear the Backstreet Boys or the Spice Girls- John Cougar is his Spice Girls. I watched in abject horror as he plucked away on his guitar and sang to every Mellencamp song ever written. How I did wish then that I was behind some Niblets in the sun…

The Lyricist

So I know I’m not the only one who cannot always understand singers when they are singing their song lyrics. I especially have a tough time understanding Zakk Wylde. There is quite a list of songs that have Sparklebumps Translations- in other words, words I think they are singing. I took this opportunity to look up the actual song lyrics to some songs, but in all honesty, I think my lyrics are better….

1.The Blessed Hell Ride by Black Label Society

Sparklebump’s Translation: “One more drink, the dead break down and then another one.”

Actual Lyrics: “One more drink, a nervous breakdown, and then another war.”

I’ll take another drink. No war please.

2. Helter Skelter  by Motley Crue

Sparklebump’s Translation: “I told my dog, “Why they love you?” and “I’m cumming down back but don’t let me brain you.”

Actual Lyrics: “Do you, don’t you want me to love you” and “I’m coming down fast but don’t let me break you.”

3. Sweet Little Sister by Skid Row

Sparklebump’s Translation: “She got her ass in a crooked dress, smiling like an alligator. We got her headlights in the back of my car, tights lips now but six ship later.”

Actual Lyrics: “She’s got her hands in the cookie jar, Smiling like an alligator, Making headlines in the back of my car Tight lipped now but she’ll sink ships later ”

4. Walking on Broken Glass by Annie Lennox

Sparklebump’s Translation: “Since you went down on me, my whole life is trashed.”

Actual Lyrics: “Since you moved out on me, my whole life has crashed.”

I’m gonna say the guy had a magical tongue.

5. Cream by Prince

Sparklebump’s Translation: “This is it, it’s time for you to gallop and wire.” and “Look up in the air! It’s you tongue!”

Actual Lyrics: “This is it, it’s time for you to go to the wire” and “Look up in the air, it’s your guitar.”

6. Wild Side by Motley Crue

Sparklebump’s Translation: “I carry my crucifix under my bath dress”

Actual Lyrics:”I carry my crucifix under my deathlist.”

7.  Counterfeit God  by Black Label Society

Sparklebump’s Translation: “In this world of hat and face,” and “we edit your will and then your seed.”

Actual Lyrics: “In this world when at it’s best”  and “Hand over your will and then you’ll see.”

Sorry, there will have to be  a second installment of this, because my MP3 Player is short 400 songs today. XOXO

P.S. I never said my lyrics made sense….